last night was my first night in my very first very own apartment here in bucktown chicago. i am tired from moving, even though i didn't do much besides pack. connolly, olarn & my brother jim did all the carrying of stuff. connolly olarn & i are excited about the apt because we can walk to all our restaurants & enterntainment. we'll have fun down here. i wish josh & lielle could have stayed a little longer so we could all hang out in the neighborhood.

this morning was hard waking up alone, even though it was to josh's phone call. i have come to the realization that i am really alone now, and it's unfamiliar territory. my first reaction is to jump into relationships and hide, but i know that's not what i need. what i really need is to be on my own and be comfortable with that. but in all honesty i felt so disconnected from the world. i don't think i've ever felt so alone as i did for about 45 minutes this morning. i don't think it's anything i need sympathy for. being alone can be fertile soil for nuturing parts of myself that get washed out in the busyness of being around people all the time. but the feelings of loneliness that can accompany being alone...that'll take time adjusting to. but i know i'll be okay. more than okay even.

"a hole that big i'd never seen before in the tummy of a good ol' boy who always wanted more
then just yesterday i saw him satisfied it seems he'd met the hole fixin man much to his surprise
but are you for real, mr hole fixin man, you fixed my friend can you fix me, hey, mr hole fixin man, i'm broken as a boy can be so how about fixin me
and all the charms that never were enough, it seems the hole is always twice as big no matter what it was, but to see him now is almost to believe that maybe mr hole fixin man might have what i need
but are you for real, mr hole fixin man, you fixed my friend can you fix me, hey, mr hole fixin man, i'm broken as a boy can be so how about fixin me.mr hole fixin man, he says you died on calvary, hey mr hole fixin man, if you've got proof i will believe, how about fixin me." ~ whole by pedro the lion