during the past few days, i've seen a lot of people visit my dad at the hospital, and i realized how much of an impact my dad has had on people's lives. i'm overwhelmed at the outpouring of affection and concern by those who have visited, many with tears streaming down their faces unable to believe that this may be the last they see of my father while he is alive. and although my father's body is being eaten from the inside by cancer, the doctors have expressed surprise at how alert and intact his mental faculties are. yes, he often says things that don't make sense entirely, but i've been amazed at how he receives these grieving guests and imparts words of comfort and that smile of his that can only be described as purely angelic. and i'm deeply comforted by the numerous lives who have been touched by my father's love and compassion over the years. i know that whenever i see or hear from these people, i will sense the gentle imprint of my father's heart in their lives.

i don't think my dad has much time left at all. maybe a little over a week at the most. his respiration has become irregular, and he declared himself DNR this morning. that means as soon as one of his vitals goes, it's pretty much over. my mother started sleeping over at the hospital tonight. i'm going to take the day off of work tomorrow to let her go home and get some rest while i stay with my dad. it's been hard watching him being as helpless as a person can be. when he sleeps, and his breathing becomes so infrequent, it seems like an eternity between each inhale, and i find myself holding my own breath in anticipation of his next.

i am holding my heart with both hands, trying to keep it in one piece, even though it's cracked in a million places like a wall of old plaster. tomorrow i will be seeing pedro the lion and damien jurado, both of whose songs have really meant a lot to me during this time. i just hope i can keep myself together during the concert. i mean, it's one thing to cry at church during worship, but breaking down at a show at the metro--ok, i guess it could happen. although i'm not going to as many concerts as i planned, i'm still trying to catch shows here and there because live music seems to be the only relief i can get from the constant emotional distress and my already begun grieving process. i almost didn't go to see over the rhine saturday night though, because i stayed late at the hospital, and it was raining, and i was quite discouraged. but at the last minute i went and got there an hour late, but in time for OTR. i'm glad i went. it seems that when i see live music, i somehow am rejuvenated so that even though my problems don't go away after the band has played the final encore, i've gotten back on my feet so that i can plod along yet again. if it weren't for the shows i've been seeing, i would be no good as a support to my dad or my mom right now. yeah, it's an escape mechanism, but let me tell ya, that's exactly what i want at the end of every night, a way to escape the emotional mess i'm in. call me weak. call me a coward. i am what i am, and i'll take my live music twice a week so that i can face the morning without falling to pieces.

today's soundtrack:
ghost of david - damien jurado
it's hard to find a friend - pedro the lion
the only reason i feel secure - pedro the lion
mp3s:
little blue river/in the garden - over the rhine
latter days - over the rhine
come let us return - kevin prosch
will you find me - american music club
waiting for the moon to rise - belle & sebastian
at my window sad and lonely - billy bragg & wilco
i didn't understand - elliott smith
where will i be - emmylou harris
the heart remains a child - everything but the girl
winning a battle, losing the war - kings of convenience
singing softly to me - kings of convenience
save me - aimee mann