i was dragged out of sleep by the sound of the cd player going off, and i couldn't figure out why i was hearing over the rhine in the middle of the night. i was way too delirious with sleep to realize that i had actually set the alarm for 05:00 of my own volition, and over the rhine was just doing what they were supposed to be doing, and right on time i might add. i got to work at 06:53, a good 2.5 hours prior to my past practice of rolling in between 9 and 10 am. then i fought and fought to keep my head from crashing into my keyboard. i was so out of it that i couldn't count my change when purchasing my bagel in the cafeteria. the only reason i finally gave the cashier the correct amount was that i knew i had 95 cents in one pocket (i needed to pay 85 cents) and i knew if i took out two nickels that would do it. but it was pathetically futile for me to try counting from my quarter on up. i tried. i failed. it was sad. it took 3 cups of strong coffee for me to finally keep my body perpendicular to the floor (versus the parallel my body was yearning for).

i went to the laundromat for the first time in like i don't know how many years. that big black oil drum looking thing is my very handy dandy laundry hamper. it is HUGE!!! i bet you can fit a body in it. ok, i admit it. i KNOW you can fit a body into because i went in it myself. not only is it huge, but it also has a strap so that little old me can easily (well, maybe not that easily) carry it down from my 3rd floor apartment to my car. i went to my local spin cycle, which is just a couple blocks away, got ALL my laundry done in one load cuz they have those humungo 5 load washers. i think going to the laundromat is going to be one of my favorite activities. when else am i going to be stuck in a place with absolutely nothing to do but wait for my clothes to stop spinning for a good hour and a half? i listened to cds and read a book. it was totally relaxing.

after doing laundry, i went over to olarn's to show him how easy it is to set up a website. on the way there, i came to the sudden realization that i was ravenous, which should have been no big surprise considering all i'd eaten the entire day was a bagel and 3 cups of coffee and it was now 8:15pm. it was that coffee that did me in, fooling me into thinking i was full the whole day so i forgot to eat lunch then dinner. i called olarn and had him go to hubbs and pick me up a grilled cheese & fries. now he says that he'll pay me for my technical services in grilled cheese sandwiches from now on. whatever. i'm not interested in getting paid for that stuff any way.

so i have just started re-reading one of the most spiritually moving books i have ever read. it's called life after god by douglas coupland. it's not a christian book, and it's actually BECAUSE it's not a christian book that it moves me so much and makes it seem so genuine. if it were a christian book, i'd read it and be like, 'yeah, whatever, you're SUPPOSED to say that.' but it's not. and here's an excerpt so you know what the heck i'm talking about. i have a sneaking suspicion this is where i'll end up someday:

"now--here is my secret: i tell it to you with an openness of heart that i doubt i shall ever achieve again, so i pray that you are in a quiet room as you hear these words. my secret is that i need god--that i am sick and can no longer make it alone. i need god to help me give, because i no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as i no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as i seem beyong being able to love.

i walk deeper and deeper into the rushing water. my testicles pull up into myself. the water enters my belly button and it freezes my chest, my arms, my neck. it reaches my nouth, my nose, my ears and the roar is so loud--this roar, this clapping of hands.

these hands--the hands that heal; the hands that hold; the hands we desire because they are better than desire.

i submerge myself in the pool completely. i grab my knees and i forget gravity and i float within the pool and yet, even here, i hear the roar of water, the roar of clapping hands.

these hands--the hands that care, the hands that mold; the hands that touch the lips, the lips that speak the words--the words that tell us we are whole." --from life after god by douglas coupland, 1994.

today's soundtrack:
good dog bad dog - over the rhine
under cold blue stars - josh rouse
blue - joni mitchell
for the roses - joni mitchell
murmur - r.e.m.
blackout - good life
figure 8 - elliott smith
the smiths - the smiths
cerulean - the ocean blue
after the gold rush - neil young
ghost of david - damien jurado
things shaped in passing - the 6 parts 7