i went to the hospital and spoke to my dad's surgeon. i've also spoken on the phone with his personal physician, who's a very close family friend. both have told me that there is medically no hope for my dad short of a miracle. this puts me in a tight little corner. i am not a gracious loser when it's my loved ones at stake. my only hope is that i will get a miracle or that someday i will be reunited with my dad after this life is over. now i might get my miracle even if i don't believe in miracles, but if the miracle does occur, what then? and if i see my dad in the next life, that would assume that i've made the cut, and to make the cut that would mean choosing faith. (in case you're wondering, my dad's a pastor, i was raised in an evangelical christian family, i was immeresed in the christian subculture my entire life until i jumped out of the fishbowl--i mean left the Church--four months ago.)

tonight i decided i will pray. i am not turning to religion. that word has too much negative connotation for me, you know, like as in religiosity, which even jesus said he hated. am i turning to god? some think weak people turn to god. well, guess what? i'm weak. i'm very weak. i'm not going to fool anybody including myself into thinking i'm not. this is no "i've been born-again washed in the blood" terminology. it is a rational logical statement that i am weak. i don't mean anything "religious" or spiritual by that statement.

some think people who are lacking in knowledge turn to god. well, i know for a fact that i know so little in relation to the potential knowledge that exists in this universe that i mathematically know nothing. if the knowledge base out there is equal to all the money in the world plus all the money on other inhabited planets in this entire universe, my knowledge is less than a korean won (there are one thousand three hundred wons in one u.s. dollar, so that's like 1/13th of a penny). i'm not being modest. i'm being mathematical. so if i know nothing, how can i possibly know that there aren't other realms of reality, that there aren't things or beings that i can't see or hear or touch or taste, but who are real nonetheless as much as i am real? if i flat out deny the possiblity of anything, that would be based on fuzzy logic. i may choose to not believe in something, but then that's a matter of freedom and not reason. so basically, there might be a god and there might not be a god. which of the two you believe is your choice. my choice.

so am i turning to god? that depends on what you mean by turning to god. tonight i am simply going to have a few words with him. where i go from there who knows. i can't commit to anything right now. i'm trying to be open with my heart as well as with my mind. and for some inexplicable reason i am drawn to songs like the one here below by pedro the lion and books like life after god by douglas coupland. the christians would say that's god working in me. whatever. i'm not labeling it anything, but i'm not going to stop "it" either. but whatever it is had better knock me out of my socks because i am not easily impressed, having been raised by a pair of extremely zealous evangelical christians. i want the truth, even if it's not exactly popular with my friends or with my own liberal sensibilities. i may be disillusioned with the church, but i can't blame god for that. in fact, it's really a reflection on god's patience that he puts up with the church instead of zapping them into oblivion and creating a whole other alternate universe to start over. that's what i would do if i were god.

"i could hear the church bells ringing, they peeled aloud your praise
the member's faces were smiling with their hands outstretched to shake
it's true they did not move me, my heart was hard and tired
their perfect fire annoyed me, i could not find you anywhere

could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all

the devoted were wearing bracelets to remind them of why they came
some concrete motivation and the abstract could not do the same
but if all that's left is duty, i'm falling on my sword
at least then, i would not serve an unseen distant lord

could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all

if this only a test, i hope that i'm passing,
cuz i'm losing the stake but i still want to trust you

peace be still peace be still peace be still" ~ secret of the easy yoke by pedro the lion

as i type i am listening to:

tonight i will retire - damien jurado
ghost of david - damien jurado
secret of the easy yoke - pedro the lion
diamond ring - ptl
invention - ptl
whole - ptl
lullaby - ptl
healing time - denison witmer
reaching - denison witmer
light my way - denison witmer
everybody knows - denison witmer