since saturday, i've had a feeling that my dad is not going to last very much longer. i'm talking less than a month. the doctors seem to agree. he's got jaundice now and an infection that they can't locate. some of the doctors are surprised he's survived as long as he has.

i cried all the way down the tristate down the edens down peterson down lincoln down california round and round the hospital garage. i cried practically all afternoon. i've never cried in front of my dad before, but today he was so out of it he didn't even seem to notice. he was in and out of sleep, and so i cried. and the sky cried with me. the rain gave me comfort because somehow i didn't feel so alone. the sky has been such a friend during the day and the night; i can't explain what i mean by that. it just is.

tonight, my biggest fear was that if i left the hospital, my dad would slip away in the middle of the night when no one was there, and the thought of him dying in a hospital bed all alone literally broke my heart into a zillion pieces. my dad started coming to his senses later in the evening, and i think he sensed my distress and started speaking in that tone of voice you read about in books or see in movies--the kind where the kids are gathered around the dying parent as last words of wisdom are passed on. my dad spoke about the joys of a father-daughter relationship and how much he appreciated my compassion during this time. such formal words, but then again, my dad wrote a lot of sermons, so you know how it is...i then couldn't hold back the tears or the words that i've pretty much kept bottled up for my whole life and i told him how much i loved him, and that he was jesus to me when i couldn't see jesus anywhere else. i told him that his gentle reaction to my announcement that i was leaving the church and his unconditional love and acceptance were the truest experience of grace that i've known in my life, and that he's the reason i know i haven't left my faith behind completely. our family held hands and sang a couple really vintage vineyard songs (worship songs from church). it was the first time i had allowed myself to sing a worship song in months.

i'm not running back to the church just yet. i'm still far from that. but i can't deny this sense of the presence of another being in my life, a being that comforts and nurtures me when i am all alone. i'm really not interested in the church right now. but i am intrigued by what i suspect is the presence of god, a real and tangible presence, kind of like when you can literally feel someone else's presence when walking alone on a road, or when you feel someone staring at the back of your head. call me a kook, but i hear this stuff ain't all that nuts. i'm going to keep looking, and i hope this "presence" talks up a bit so i know what the deal is.

tonight's soundtrack was entirely made up of various songs from all of denison witmer's albums