today was an absolutely gorgeous day. the sun was making up for lost time and it was WARM, even at night after the sun was long gone i could drive with my windows rolled down. and i wore my sports sandals today. man, i missed those sandals. nike may be the devil, but they make some damn fine sports sandals. i have to find the exact same pair somewhere before they stop making this style & just stock up on em. alas, the warm weather will be yesterday's memory come tomorrow according to weather.com. although the mid 50s are nothing to cry about here in chicago this early in spring. i mean, just last week there was snow on the ground. still, my feet are going to wonder what's with the socks tomorrow...

my dad's doing better. there's hope that he'll be able to come home sometime in the next couple weeks. i was so exhausted today at the hospital, i pretty much dozed the whole time. i didn't bother doing any reading or work on my laptop. it was probably good for my body to just sit there for awhile. it's really hard to believe that my dad is dying of terminal cancer. he's alert, he's moving around, he's gaining weight. it's still all kind of surreal, like a movie script gone bad. somebody alert the screenwriter that the plot twist is just not going to work out and they should change the ending.

i ran into an old friend today--matt dobschuetz, my first friend at the vineyard. i was glad to see him because i wanted him to hear what was going on in my life from my own mouth. as i drove home from that little encounter, my mind was flooded with memories back when i was just a kid in college and knew nothing about anything, and what fun we had back then. i think those were the times i developed a habit of chauffeuring people around. matt had a skateboard, and i had a car. sometimes i think back to those days. i remember fitting 6 foot 5 ben in the trunk of my hatchback. i remember telling david raes i had a crush on bruce and he said, "sarah, all i have to say is that in the summertime he wears pink socks with yellow shorts." i remember syler falling out of his bronco when i told him how old bruce was. i remember joe samuel introducing me to mahler's 5th symphony. i remember the coffeehouse where andrea mazzeo played flute w/ andy young the hammer dulcimer guy and then we had a dance party right after and it was finals week and i danced like crazy to reestablish my sanity. i remember the day yumi & i were mad at men & we went to the smoke shop & bought a pack of dunhills and i went to the 7-11 and bought a six pack of coors, drank it all, smoked an entire pack of virginia slims and threw up. i remember my first concert at the beat kitchen w/ lauren brombert & the urban nomad. i remember david bringing me bagels and granny smith apples from the oak street market. i remember the "living in oblivion" mix tape matt made me (i think i still have it). i remember matt ending his year of vegetarianism by diving into a pan of wings from buffalo joes. all these memories from a life that i lost track of. what do you do with these memories anyway? i can't take pictures of them now. i do miss that chunk of my early adulthood. i think that was the last time i was really happy. now these memories just leave a bittersweet taste in my mind and heart.

well, i think things are looking up though. i'm making new friends (well, one, but that's a start) and reconnecting with old ones. i think i'm processing stuff more internally now that i'm alone. i don't mind the solitude. i rather enjoy it. it's something new at least for now.

today's (and late last nite's) soundtrack:
after the gold rush - neil young
didn't it rain - songs: ohia
letting off the happiness - bright eyes
the boy with the arab strap - belle & sebastian
crash - dave matthews band
things shaped in passing - the six parts seven
thick as a brick - jethro tull
misc. velvet undergound songs (all tomorrow's parties, femme fatale, i'm waiting for the man, sunday morning, venus in furs, stephanie says, lady godiva's operation, pale blue eyes, some kinda love, candy says, beginning to see the light, that's the story of my life, sweet jane, lonesome cowboy bill, oh! sweet nuthin, ocean, satellite of love, ride into the sun)