we've all heard the saying that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. i guess i didn't realize how much my dad meant to me until now when i know i'm going to lose him soon. it was hard seeing him so helpless and weak in the hospital bed. i'm exhausted even though all i did was sit by his bed or entertain the flow of visitors all day long. my former pastor and my dad's current pastor steve nicholson came by. he and i had a good talk on our own, and i shared with him all the stuff i've been going through in terms of my personal life and my doubts about the faith i was raised on and disillusionment with the church. he was really understanding and affirming and spoke words that had such a healing effect on me. it's like he recognized who i was on my own, without my parents and brother or my friends, and he encouraged me to continue on my path in that direction. it's really hard to even describe how significant this conversation was to me at this juncture in my life, and i have a feeling it will continue to have an effect on me in the future.

it seems that it took my dad's coming this close to death to give me a kick in the rear in my quest for truth. today as i was speeding down lake ave, i heard a little voice inside me saying that through my father's process of dying, i would find salvation. it hurts to think that, but i know that my father would gladly die a thousand deaths to help me find the truth for myself.

soundtrack while driving - it's hard to find a friend - pedro the lion
soundtrack for tonight- a love supreme by john coltrane and that's it