today was my dad's birthday. he has lived to be 64. it seems such an incomplete age to be ending on. we had brought cake to the hospital for him to share w/ the nurses, but we couldn't get him to stay awake, so we decided to just give it to the nurses to eat amongst themselves. the nurses however didn't give up and later in the afternoon came into his room with a tiny cake and a birthday balloon. he stayed up long enough to hear them sing happy birthday, but then was right back asleep again.

i am in the hospital watching over my dad as he sleeps. he has become even weaker than he was yesterday. he can hardly stay awake, and the pain is more frequent and more intense that his morphine dosage had to be increased. he is too weak to even push the button to self-administer the morphine, and someone has to push the button for him to receive a boost of the drug every now and then. it's really hard, because i can't stand to see my dad suffer, but the more morphine he's on, the less coherent and alert he is. as i see him go deeper and deeper into sleep, my heart sinks lower and lower, knowing that my time left with a coherent and conscious father is as fragile as the last leaves on a tree before the winter wind swoops down and steals them away.

tomorrow we will bring my dad home to glenview. i will be moving in with my folks for the time being. the doctors are worried about how we'll manage all the machines and iv's, but my concern is getting my father home where he belongs where my whole family can be with him all the time. i just don't want him to have to be in the hospital any more, when there's nothing they can do for him here.

i had the chance to take some pictures at the bridge on north ave where i wanted to last night but was confined to my car by the rain. today was a gorgeous day--just a tad chilly, maybe, but i didn't notice. i was so glad to actually have some time outdoors in the sunshine. now that april is over, i'm hoping that may will be a sunnier, warmer month. but i don't want to jump right into summer either, which chicago has a tendency to do. the change of seasons is always a shock to the system here in the windy city.

today's soundtrack:
blue--joni mitchell
black out--the good life
songs for the new year--simon joyner
s/t--scientific