so here's what i am currently reading simultaneously...life after god by doug coupland...letters to a young poet by rainer maria rilke...catch me if you can by frank abagnale...late and posthumous poems by pablo neruda...and my latest is the catcher in the rye by j.d. salinger...add to this that i have been listening to gang of four's entertainment! nonstop and that i have just bought joy division's substance and a ramones compilation of quote unquote their toughest hits...when you take all this into consideration, you shouldn't be surprised at my current manic depressive state...

i came to a realisation this week...it's a rather disturbing one...and here is what i realised...this is embarrassing...but anyways...uhm...well...so it seems that ever since high school, ever since i read the catcher in the rye...well....i've been in love with holden caulfield all these years...oh, it's true...i am in love w/ a fictional sixteen year old prep school flunk-out who would chronologically be old enough to be my dad...now should i just leave it at that or shall i expound on my discovery? well, ok, it's not like i'm here pining for holden...it's just that one passage where he's telling his sister phoebe what he would do all day if he had his choice...about the thousands of kids playing...oh, wait, let me just quote that part:

"anyways, i keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. thousands of little kids, and nobody's around--nobody big, i mean--except me. and i'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. what i have to do, i have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff--i mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going i have to come out from somewhere and catch them. that's all i'd do all day. i'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. i know it's crazy, but that's the only thing i'd really like to be. i know it's crazy."

it sounds silly for holden to want to protect these kids from plunging from the idyllic field of childhood into the phoniness of adulthood...but it's sweet of him to want to, ya know? yeah...i need to grow up...but do i really? they say that girls mature faster than boys...and women always complain about how immature men are...and yeah, some of them are a bit much...but what's wrong w/ being carefree and playful and innocent like a child? sometimes i feel like a little girl in a grown woman's body trapped in a world of grown people w/ grown-up expectations of me...

i am a hopeless cause...HOPELESS i tell ya, HOPELESS!!!

on a good note, connolly & i went to barnes & noble last night and ate at the thai wild ginger WITHOUT OLARN and i had me some tofu pad thai which generally puts me in a good mood...yes...thai boy stayed home complaining about not having slept well this week...now if i stayed home every friday night to catch up on the sleep i should have gotten the week before, i would NEVER EVER get to go out on fridays...suck it up, dude, you're not dead yet...

josh called while i was @ B&N w/ connolly, and it was good talking to him again...it's been a while...we exchanged our ideas on how to "save money." that's always nice...yes, josh is getting married in october...i will need to find a floorlength black dress by then...ugh...dresses...someday maybe i will learn to wear dresses but for now i am not into them at all...i'd rather wear pajamas...