sunday night after work, i went over to my mom's to take a shower cuz my pipes were frozen...my brother was at a super bowl party, so i think she was pretty glad to see me...i have to be honest with you...going over there is really hard for me because i miss my dad so much whenever i go there...his presence lingers in every nook and cranny in that place...while i was there, i found my notebook in which i'd written journal entries, misc notes to self, letters to josh i never sent and a few poems during my dad's last month and right after he died...it was so weird reading through it...i don't even remember having that notebook because i was always blogging on this thing...crimeny, i must have been writing CONSTANTLY...

there was a letter in there that i'd written to my dad...it was in korean...i know i wrote it during the last few days of his life because it was when i had started to spend the night in his hospital room...and it reminds me that i was the last person to be w/ my dad while he was still conscious and could speak and respond...

these are a few quotes from the notebook...

"cancer is the devil's love child with himself..."

"today my father turned 64 in a hospital room with hospital food surrounded by hospital things..."

"time is irritating me by being so stubbornly headed forward ignoring my pleas to slow down..."

"my emotions are playing tricks on me and have decided all of a sudden to be shrouded in a layer of mystery that i just can't penetrate. i am having a hard time figuring out what the heck is going on inside of me."

"death is shooting arrows.
his aim is sure;
his target--my father"

on a lighter note, my mom let me play uncle tupelo's march 16-20, 1992 album for her...when i first got no depression a while back, she put that one on herself...i explained to her why uncle tupelo was so important, who jay farrar and jeff tweedy were, about son volt and wilco...she listened and nodded politely. she told me she finds the music interesting, and she wants to hear it because i love it so much. i wonder if she'd get into bikini kill...i doubt it...

been listening to--
murray street--sonic youth
one beat--sleater-kinney
dig me out--sleater-kinney
reject all american--bikini kill
nemesisters--babes in toyland
s/t--le tigre
hungry for stink--l7
repeater--fugazi
steady diet of nothing--fugazi
argument--fugazi
a brief history of the 20th century--gang of four
entertainment!--gang of four
raw stooges--iggy & the stooges
summer teeth--wilco
march 16-20, 1992--uncle tupelo
substance--joy division
loud, fast ramones--the ramones