how is it that all the sentimental nostalgic feelings associated with childhood frolics through hills and trees and flowers half a world away can be conjured up by a few measures of an indie rock song? that is exactly what the last 20 seconds of damien jurado's song 'parade' does to me...every time i hear those last measures, i feel the key turn in that faraway oft forgotten room in my heart where i hide my sweetest most innocent memories of my fairy tale life across the ocean...before i knew english...before i knew my multiplication table...before i knew my name would be 'sarah-ji'...before i knew what a computer was...before i knew what a typewriter was...before i knew what rock 'n' roll was...before i knew what air conditioning was...before i knew what america was...

...when all i knew was mom & daddy & grandma & grandpa & big brother & cousins & uncles & aunts...when all i knew was how to play...when all i knew was to how to trust...when all i knew was the truth...when all i knew was simple faith...

...last night i went to see my mom after work...my brother's in korea, so i try to stop by on the days that i drive up to work...while i was there, i found a bible my dad gave me over 20 years ago...i tried to find a photo of my dad to steal, but none of them really were all that satisfactory...yesterday, i found myself lingering in my mom's room, not wanting to leave...i was surrounded by years and years of my dad's stuff...his books...his study notes...just seeing his handwriting does weird things to my heart...

so here's my latest tidbit that i'm chewing on...last night ted & i were listening to dallas willard, some tapes i had of a conference he did @ the oak park vineyard a while back...dallas is the dude who wrote a divine conspiracy, a book i never finished and can't find my copy of any more...i bet pete has it...anyways, dallas was saying on these tapes that god's intention for all of humanity is that we would be so empowered that we would be able to do what we want to do...that may sound misleading at first, but he explained that what he means is that what god really wants is to be able to entrust us with all the power to do all that we dream of without us mucking everything up with that power...it makes sense...dallas also said that god made us to desire to create goodness...deep down inside, that's what we want...to create goodness and beauty and leave this world a better place...it sounds simplistic, but in some ways it is just that simple...

i'm slowly making a dent on the brothers karamazov...i've calculated that it will take me 15 more commute days on the train to complete...the letters are mighty tiny...i'm really fascinated by the characters...these 3 brothers and their irreverant dad...i just read the part where the brothers & dad & others meet w/ father z. @ the monestary...the middle brother's (ivan) reaction to meeting w/ the humble and wise elder was really interesting to me...anyways, i'm only a little over 1/10 of the way through, so it's all quite suspenseful right now...from what i hear, this book is supposed to reveal some sort of theology to me...caleb recommended this book to me last summer when i told him i wanted a book that would explain theology to me...so we shall see...

been listening to
summershine--VoL
either/or--elliott smith
i break chairs--damien jurado & gathered in song