a strange thing happended on the way to the front of the stage at the pedro the lion concert. as i was weasling my way through the crowd to position myself for photos, some guy stopped me because he recognized me from this website. turns out one of his coworkers is the guitar player for one of the bands i photoed and that's how he saw my site. like what are the chances that i'd bump into him at a ptl concert? well, whatever the chances were, that's what happened. not only that, i used to go to church with his sister, and had even met him on an occassion. this world is a strange small place sometimes.

so yeah, pedro the lion--david bazan & crew totally rocked. his latest album is kind of in the vein of the last one (winners never quit), a bit harder with definitely more biting lyrics than previous albums/eps. it's really challenging to listen to. someone in the crowd asked him if he was a christian. i found his answer interesting. he said he believes everything the bible says about jesus, but he doesn't like to identify himself with christianity. he didn't go into details, but from what i know of the interviews he's given, i think he means that he doesn't want to identify with a system that has in many respects earned itself a bad name through its elitism, judgmentalism, lack of mercy, and legalism. i can relate to that, although i probably don't agree with everything david may say on the topic. i don't expect to find the perfect church, and it's not just w/ a specific church that i have issues. it's more the church at large. it really bothers me that so many people who are not christians associate christians w/ narrowminded right wing american dream chasers. and i don't think they're always inaccurate in their stereotypes. i am discouraged at how clueless and disconnected so many christians are from the real world, myself included even though i'm still only on the outskirts of the Church. okay, i know i need to respect individual choices, and i guess that means even the choice to shelter oneself from the rest of the world by becoming submerged in a culture of, by and for christians--christian music, christian books, chrisitian radio, christian tv, christian friends. i'll try to respect that choice, but i don't get it. and to be honest, i don't respect it. let's just leave it at that.

anyways, damien jurado opened up for pedro. i've really been digging damien's stuff lately. he's so versatile as a songwriter and musician. i enjoy his softer more acoustic songs as well as his edgier more electric stuff. tonight's concert was mostly of songs from i break chairs, known by some as damien's "loud" album. i suppose "loud" is a relative term...

the first act to open up was tw walsh (i don't know why i'm going in reverse order--it just came out that way), the only cleanshaven frontman of the 3 acts. i hadn't heard too much of him before. he's kinda new. he reminds me of old pedro songs (circa it's hard to find a friend) being sung by a mix of jason molina (of songs:ohia) and simon joyner. i don't think he has that many songs recorded yet, so we'll see how he progresses w/ time.

well, that's enough about concert stuff. i don't know when my next show will be. depends on my dad of course. besides, i'm sure i'll tire of this 2 shows/week schedule. i'm not as young as i used to be (and i really sensed that looking around me at the concert tonight. my cousin kris & i figured we were probably the 3rd & 4th oldest people there, and i just keep getting older for some reason. next month is when i hit that dreaded milestone birthday that i have been putting off for the past 30 years. crimeny. that looks like such a large number. they're so...round and big looking. i just hope i get to see mark eitzel my last night in my 20's.

today's soundtrack:
you know, the usual. and actually a bunch of worship music because it calms and comforts my dad, and i guess at this point i'd sit through just about anything if it'll provide any type of relief for him.

during the past few days, i've seen a lot of people visit my dad at the hospital, and i realized how much of an impact my dad has had on people's lives. i'm overwhelmed at the outpouring of affection and concern by those who have visited, many with tears streaming down their faces unable to believe that this may be the last they see of my father while he is alive. and although my father's body is being eaten from the inside by cancer, the doctors have expressed surprise at how alert and intact his mental faculties are. yes, he often says things that don't make sense entirely, but i've been amazed at how he receives these grieving guests and imparts words of comfort and that smile of his that can only be described as purely angelic. and i'm deeply comforted by the numerous lives who have been touched by my father's love and compassion over the years. i know that whenever i see or hear from these people, i will sense the gentle imprint of my father's heart in their lives.

i don't think my dad has much time left at all. maybe a little over a week at the most. his respiration has become irregular, and he declared himself DNR this morning. that means as soon as one of his vitals goes, it's pretty much over. my mother started sleeping over at the hospital tonight. i'm going to take the day off of work tomorrow to let her go home and get some rest while i stay with my dad. it's been hard watching him being as helpless as a person can be. when he sleeps, and his breathing becomes so infrequent, it seems like an eternity between each inhale, and i find myself holding my own breath in anticipation of his next.

i am holding my heart with both hands, trying to keep it in one piece, even though it's cracked in a million places like a wall of old plaster. tomorrow i will be seeing pedro the lion and damien jurado, both of whose songs have really meant a lot to me during this time. i just hope i can keep myself together during the concert. i mean, it's one thing to cry at church during worship, but breaking down at a show at the metro--ok, i guess it could happen. although i'm not going to as many concerts as i planned, i'm still trying to catch shows here and there because live music seems to be the only relief i can get from the constant emotional distress and my already begun grieving process. i almost didn't go to see over the rhine saturday night though, because i stayed late at the hospital, and it was raining, and i was quite discouraged. but at the last minute i went and got there an hour late, but in time for OTR. i'm glad i went. it seems that when i see live music, i somehow am rejuvenated so that even though my problems don't go away after the band has played the final encore, i've gotten back on my feet so that i can plod along yet again. if it weren't for the shows i've been seeing, i would be no good as a support to my dad or my mom right now. yeah, it's an escape mechanism, but let me tell ya, that's exactly what i want at the end of every night, a way to escape the emotional mess i'm in. call me weak. call me a coward. i am what i am, and i'll take my live music twice a week so that i can face the morning without falling to pieces.

today's soundtrack:
ghost of david - damien jurado
it's hard to find a friend - pedro the lion
the only reason i feel secure - pedro the lion
mp3s:
little blue river/in the garden - over the rhine
latter days - over the rhine
come let us return - kevin prosch
will you find me - american music club
waiting for the moon to rise - belle & sebastian
at my window sad and lonely - billy bragg & wilco
i didn't understand - elliott smith
where will i be - emmylou harris
the heart remains a child - everything but the girl
winning a battle, losing the war - kings of convenience
singing softly to me - kings of convenience
save me - aimee mann

my dad's ct scan revealed that the cancer has spread to the liver and other organs. it should be relatively quick from this point. he's pretty much sleeping all the time and gets confused and disoriented. tonight i kept watch by his side as he slept. i just can't believe that he's leaving me. i really think this is going to break me worse than anything else i've ever experienced. i just wish he didn't have to suffer; it's so hard seeing the lines of pain crinkling up his face even in his sleep.

i am going on 42 hours without sleep. i don't feel so bad though. i probably could have done medical school if there weren't textbooks involved. oh, i did finally finish that damn compensation survey that was kicking me around like a rag doll this whole week. no wonder my boss was so happy when i volunteered to fill that thing out. i had no clue what i was getting into.

i suppose i'm exhausted. my sinuses are so congested from a combination of crying for hours and allergies that i literally went through half a box of kleenex since i got home. i feel pretty awful right now. i guess i'll go to sleep now.

soundtrack today:
see the ocean blue - tob
it's hard to find a friend - pedro the lion
summershine - vigilantes of love
engine - american music club
davy jones' locker - the ocean blue
misc songs - the smiths

there's a lot going on...my dad--well, my family is meeting tomorrow night to discuss arrangements while we still have a bit of sanity so that when my dad actually does pass away, the details will be taken care of. it's strange to have to worry about things like what funeral home to use, which part's going to be in korean, who's going to do the services, etc etc etc. we'll know better tomorrow morning after the results from tonite's cat scan as to how much time my dad might have left.

in addition to all this stuff about my dad, i had a long talk with tim white, the manager for bill mallonee who i saw play sunday nite. would you believe he's copastoring a church plant and he knew exactly what i was talking about when i shared my feelings about the church at large? i think in the process of talking to him, i realized that i haven't lost my faith. and that i actually had one to begin with. i didn't think a person with my objections and doubts could legitimately claim to have faith. but it turns out not only can i claim it, but whether i claim it or not, it's there.

i'm still too scared to go to church, and i'm still too scared to play that violet burning cd. but i may be going to cornerstone in july. this is something i never would've considered in the past, i mean who wants to spend 5 days with a bunch of christians? bruce told me i'd be the only heathen there. well, it turns out i'm not so heathen after all. but the violet burning...pedro the lion...damien jurado...denison witmer...over the rhine...miranda stone...five iron frenzy...starflyer 59...bill mallonee & the vigilantes of love...unwed sailor...stickman jones...aaron sprinkle...poor old lu...brooks williams...did i mention pedro the lion?...and the list goes on and on...i think i could stand being around christians if i get to listen to quality music like that. i hear they're mostly pretty cool christians anyways, not the ones who think that the bible being the sword of the spirit means use it to go for the gutteral on folks who don't believe the same as they do.

anyways, these photos are from tuesday nite's zero7 concert. they were totally awesome!

today's soundtrack:
firecracker - unwed sailor
things shaped in passing - the 6 parts seven
see the ocean blue - the ocean blue
summershine - vigilantes of love
various songs by denison witmer

since saturday, i've had a feeling that my dad is not going to last very much longer. i'm talking less than a month. the doctors seem to agree. he's got jaundice now and an infection that they can't locate. some of the doctors are surprised he's survived as long as he has.

i cried all the way down the tristate down the edens down peterson down lincoln down california round and round the hospital garage. i cried practically all afternoon. i've never cried in front of my dad before, but today he was so out of it he didn't even seem to notice. he was in and out of sleep, and so i cried. and the sky cried with me. the rain gave me comfort because somehow i didn't feel so alone. the sky has been such a friend during the day and the night; i can't explain what i mean by that. it just is.

tonight, my biggest fear was that if i left the hospital, my dad would slip away in the middle of the night when no one was there, and the thought of him dying in a hospital bed all alone literally broke my heart into a zillion pieces. my dad started coming to his senses later in the evening, and i think he sensed my distress and started speaking in that tone of voice you read about in books or see in movies--the kind where the kids are gathered around the dying parent as last words of wisdom are passed on. my dad spoke about the joys of a father-daughter relationship and how much he appreciated my compassion during this time. such formal words, but then again, my dad wrote a lot of sermons, so you know how it is...i then couldn't hold back the tears or the words that i've pretty much kept bottled up for my whole life and i told him how much i loved him, and that he was jesus to me when i couldn't see jesus anywhere else. i told him that his gentle reaction to my announcement that i was leaving the church and his unconditional love and acceptance were the truest experience of grace that i've known in my life, and that he's the reason i know i haven't left my faith behind completely. our family held hands and sang a couple really vintage vineyard songs (worship songs from church). it was the first time i had allowed myself to sing a worship song in months.

i'm not running back to the church just yet. i'm still far from that. but i can't deny this sense of the presence of another being in my life, a being that comforts and nurtures me when i am all alone. i'm really not interested in the church right now. but i am intrigued by what i suspect is the presence of god, a real and tangible presence, kind of like when you can literally feel someone else's presence when walking alone on a road, or when you feel someone staring at the back of your head. call me a kook, but i hear this stuff ain't all that nuts. i'm going to keep looking, and i hope this "presence" talks up a bit so i know what the deal is.

tonight's soundtrack was entirely made up of various songs from all of denison witmer's albums

got a call from the hospital. it is as i feared. the doctors are telling us to get ready. funny how your heart can be torn out of your chest and trampled to shredded goop by mere auditory signals transmitted over a wire. everything else is on hold. i'm off to the hospital. it's for days like this that i keep that denison mix cd in my cd changer at all times.

show some love to somebody other than yourself today, even if it's just to a cat. send an email to a friend you haven't spoken to in ages. pick up the damn phone. there is so much we neglect to feel on any given day because we do not value the life we've been given. so much time and energy wasted on what we wish for or what could've been and not on just being.

peace out--

i was listening to damien jurado's i break chairs & the trouble w/ sweeney's dear life & the vol's audible sigh before all hell broke loose.

ok, so my little plan to take a nap has been foiled by a big package from burnttoastvinyl waiting for me when i opened my front door. if you've never been to btv, i highly recommend it. i get lots of great cds there. also pastemusic.com while i'm advertising. currently listening to unwed sailor's firecracker ep. you know, i think listening to instrumental stuff is better for blogging. my mind is cluttered as it is--i really don't need to be hearing someone else's voice forming words outloud while i'm trying to form my own words in my head.

well, no nap but my headache is gone hallelujah and i really mean it. i was in so much pain earlier i found myself subconsciously invoking the holy spirit for help, and i haven't done that in like i don't know how long (except to pray for my dad of course, but he's dying of cancer; what else am i supposed to do?). anyways, i'm off to the double door to catch zero7. for a few hours, i will forget that i have torture waiting for me at work tomorrow.

update on my dad: his condition seems to have plateaued (those of you just joining this blog, refer to the entry of april 3rd for background info if you care, otherwise, go check out my new concert photos: stickman jones and early day miners and songs: ohia). actually, in some sense, he's worse. they had to take him off the food because he just couldn't digest it, and so he's back on intravenous sugar solution. and his surgical incision has been showing signs of infection. his temperature is not always stable--fever one day, normal the next. he's been in the hospital since 3.21, and i'm really anxious to get him home. he'd get better so much faster i think if he were home, but there's no way they'll let him out until he can eat. i hate seeing him this way. my mother & i have practically become part of the furniture on the 3rd floor of swedish covenant. and to make things worse, the gentleman who was sharing my dad's room died suddenly in the middle of the nite friday. i had listened to his entire conversations w/ friends and family. he was scheduled for a colonoscopy in the morning, but he died quite unexpectedly before dawn. now i'm freaking out that my dad might not make it through the night. i know it's unnecessary torture i'm putting myself through, but i saw that man's teenage daughter take off from the hospital after a little spat w/ her dad, and to think that was the last interaction she had w/ him...i just feel so bad for her. it really makes you think about the way you treat people and how you take the ones closest to you for granted. fact is, none of us knows how long we're here for. it's easy to say live like today is your last day on the planet, but who really does that? i mean, you have to balance that out with paying bills and eating and laundry, you know? like if today were my last day, i'd get nothing done. anyways, i guess we all just need to think about what really matters in this life and come to terms w/ the reality of death and be at peace and all that jazz and just love the people we're blessed to have in our lives right now and show kindness and compassion to those who really need it and to those who don't. i guess that's what random acts of kindess are. well, that's my spiel for the day. i gotta get out of these work clothes and into something more suitable for the double door.
today's soundtrack:
tails - lisa loeb
control - pedro the lion
blind - the sundays
davy jones' locker - the ocean blue
soul's core - shawn mullins
the only reason i feel secure - pedro the lion
from the nest of idea - scientific
firecracker ep - unwed sailor

i have a splitting headache...this compensation survey i'm doing for work is kicking my butt big time. if i think about it too much more, i may start hyperventilating. i just want to crawl under my desk and hide for a week or so...i need some migraine drugs...i took my last pill...somebody put my out of my misery!!!! ouch...one of these days, i'm gonna get it right. i am feeling a bit delusional right now to be perfectly honest. my eyes are bugging out from staring at a computer screen all day trying to make heads or tails of this crazy assignment. it's starting to look like english...like really old archaic english circa 900 AD...

all right, enough bitchin and moanin. i think i'll take a little nap before the zero7 concert tonight. i'm definitely going to need it. the good news is that my boss let me pick which day i want to work from home next week first (usually, she picks when she'll be at home & i pick a different day). so i picked the day after the pedrotheliondamienjuradotwwalsh concert!! that means i can stay up late and still get decent sleep before i roll out of bed and start working around 8:30am! hopefully, i'll be able to pick my telecommuting days to coincide w/ the mornings after mid-week concerts all the time. i know i have a couple more in may.

oh, and since i'm too busy and too tired to take photos, my pal josh robertson will be today's guest photographer for my blogger. he can do wonders w/ that face of his and a cheap logitech webcam. this photo to the left is a depiction of josh's favorite yahoo emoticon. a striking resemblance, i must say.

so i went to see bill mallonee of the vigilantes of love last night at the abbey pub. it was a drizzly cold night, which was unfortunate because i'm sure a lot more people would've showed up if the weather had been better. it's too bad because bill did a lot of new songs. those who did make it were appreciative however, and they should be loyal fans coming out on a sunday night with the weather being as crappy as it was. okay, so it wasn't raining cats & dogs, but after the warm weather we were having last week, it was enough to depress the hell out of me. i considered staying home myself, but changed my mind around 9pm. i'm glad that i did. bill is definitely one of the most talented singer/songwriters in indie rock that i know of.

an interesting side note to the evening is that i got to meet bill's manager tim white of the wildwood agency. when i stopped by the goods table to buy some cds, he said he saw me taking photos of the show and asked if i could send them to him. i'm always happy to supply artists & their agents w/ the photos i take, so that was cool. then when i got home and looked up his agency's website, i was intrigued by their vision statement which you can go read yourself if you want here. i especially liked the quote by dan taylor (i think he's an author) at the end: "mistaking this active life of faith for an institutionally backed and culturally bound belief system is similar to reducing the mona lisa to paint-by-numbers." i found it interesting because it kind of sums up my own disillusionment w/ most of the formal church and expresses my own desires nevertheless to express and to discover truth creatively and personally in my own life. but i need to get a hold of the truth first i guess... when i looked at the agency's roster of artists, i noticed that there were a lot of names i recognized (and one band i'd photo'ed a couple weeks ago). one of the bands was the violet burning, which was kind of freaky for me because they hold a special place in my heart. i had been thinking of them these past few days, especially of one of their cds that they put out recently. i wanted to listen to that cd, but i was afraid to because it always moved me so strongly, and i didn't know if i was ready to have that happen to me right now. i did actually put it in my car cd changer this morning, and i forgot which number it was and i basically played russian roulette w/ the cd player to and from work. i didn't land on that cd yet, and now i know which one it is, and i'm too scared to play it...why do i get this weird feeling that meeting tim white from this agency was not an accident?

so the saga of sarah's search for the one thing that is everything continues...for all you friends of mine who are worried i'm going to turn into one of them right-wing fundamentalists, calm down. you know i never was one of those to begin with and i'd rather die than go that route (although there are some people i love who fall in that category god bless 'em). no matter where i end up in my search, if i don't get to be myself, i won't go for it. plain and simple. i just know that there has to be a way for me to find truth and be able to live it out as sarah and not some cookie cutter bible thumping numbskull (god bless 'em). if god ain't flexible to accomodate that, well, then, i'll just be moseyin' right along. but if i do find what i'm looking for, i'm not saying i won't be changed...but i'll be changed into more myself, i just know it, even though that doesn't make any sense. i believe that when you find the truth, you are freed to be who you really are way deep on the inside, so it's really not a compromising of yourself but more of a consummation or completion. at least that's what i'm hoping for cuz otherwise i'll be searching for a long time...but this is important to me so bear with me...

i will be busy working (my paying job) this week to finish a salary survey that is life or death (well, not really--it'll just look bad for me if i don't get it done) and must be emailed out by friday. ugh...so i'm going to bed early and waking up before the sun makes it back to our side of the earth. anyways, here are the lyrics to a song that kind of captures how i'm feeling these days:

“i want to know i want to know
will it make a difference when i go
it makes a difference that i’m feeling this way
with plenty to think about and so little to say
except for this confession that is poised on my lips
i’m not letting go of god, i’m just losing my grip” – when i go by over the rhine

today’s soundtrack—
summershine – bill mallonee & the vigilantes of love
films for radio – over the rhine
something about airplanes – death cab for cutie

-peace out

when i got home tonight from the hospital and checked my email, i found these pictures in my mailbox. meet joshua mars robertson, certified flight instructor and pilot extraordinnaire, a.k.a. my best friend. leave it to josh to send me webcam photos that would take an otherwise exhausted cranky girl like me and instantly throw her into a laughing fit. god bless long-distance webcam best friends. god bless friends.



for those of you who don't know who josh is, he & i went to high school together, which means we've known each other for half our lives. josh & i were on the boy's swim team together. yes, that's right. i was on the boy's swim team. turns out a lot of my friends were on the team and i got hooked on the swim meets. since i was there for every single meet, the coach finally put me to work and i kept score. i didn't even know how to swim at the time, and i still got to take my yearbook photo w/ the entire boys swim team. josh was our star butterflier. i can't even describe to you what a thrill it was to see him do that event. anyways, josh & i actually became best friends over the course of the past year during which he trained in california to be a certified flight instructor. he's the one who hooked me up w/ olarn & connolly, two of the guys i hang out with the most these days.

josh moved a month ago to new york with his lovely girlfriend lielle. they just got an apartment and are experiencing the joys of cable internet access, hence josh's return to the webcam broadcast which i had been missing these past several months. it's strange...when josh was in cali, he was the one on dial-up and i was the one on cable internet. i was the one working and he was the one with no set schedule. now he's got a jampacked teaching schedule, and me...well, i better pray i stay employed.

anyways, this is the new york josh i refer to every now and then. my chicago josh is josh bearman, and you can read his blogger here. ok. now we're clear, eh? gotta go see bill mallonee of the vigilantes of love...

peace out--

today's soundtrack:
axxess & ace - songs: ohia
loaded - the velvet underground
naked - ricki lee jones
music for the morning after - pete yorn
the ghost of fashion - clem snide

just got home from being out in the neighborhood w/ connie & my cousin kris. it's been a while since we hung out, and it was good to be w/ the girls again. we went to the northside cafe & grill for dinner then headed over to the maproom where a rockabilly band was playing. they were called the wild ones, and they were fun to watch. a lot of elvis covers & other really popular songs from back then. the maproom has a million different beers from all over, and tonight i decided to deviate from my usual sierra nevada and chose victory brewery's hop devil. the venue was fun but loud; i am afraid i may have freaked out my ear drums a bit more than i would have liked to.

this picture (of me, kris & connie) was taken at danny's tavern by someone named nikki whom we had just met. i was pretty surprised that she held so still for an 8 second exposure considering the probability that she'd been drinking for a couple hours already. we had fun just talking it up, meeting people from the neighborhood, and generally hanging out. i think i will be going back to danny's. i have to say it was the darkest bar i've been to in i don't remember when. also, i hear that u2 go there when they are in town. i don't know when that'll be, but if i am in the area, i am there. i will definitely check out danny's on the weeknights and hope it's less crowded. i just hope it doesn't turn into one of those hip yuppie places in lakeview where you put on a mask at the door and hope people don't see the real you.

hanging out at local bars is always a fascinating experience for me, probably because i did so little of it during the age when most people do it. i always feel like an outside observer, kind of like an anthropologist, and i love to watch the people there, and listen to what they have to say. first impressions clouded by alcohol, shrouded in smoke and obscured by darkness set to whatever soundtrack being played at that particular establishment are always interesting, and i wonder what it would be like meeting these people on the streets in the sobering light of day. would they still buy into my "my knowledge is a mathematical zero" theory in the sunlit evian hours as easily as they do during the barely candle-lit booze-soaked hours of the night? would i still find them as interesting to talk to in their daytime occupations as i do in their careerless alcohol colored bar personas? i don't know...

ok. i am like way exhausted, so i will leave you w/ my soundtrack for the past day:
things shaped in passing -- the six parts seven (i like this cd more and more each time i listen to it)
other songs -- ron sexsmith
amplified heart -- everything but the girl
unforgettable fire -- u2
songs for the new year -- simon joyner
firecracker -- lisa loeb

as i was driving home tonight from the hospital after visiting with my dad, i saw a little girl around six years old in a bright pink fuzzy coat clutching her father's hand tightly as they ran across irving park road on lincoln ave. the two of them were laughing as they continued down lincoln, hand in hand. and i saw the father's face, and on it i saw written a look of delight and pure affection. and i thought back to my own childhood, searching for the memory of when i clutched my own father's hand as we walked down some street, back when i believed that i was safe from all the dangers of the world and of this life as long as i held onto my father's hand. i missed my childhood sorely, and i wished i could be that little girl again so that i could sit in my dad's lap and feel what it's like to be held and surrounded by unconditional love and total safety. the memories have faded over the years. i wish i'd known how much the memories would mean to me now, so that i would have preserved them better, filed them better.

tonight i finished douglas coupland's life after god for the 2nd time. i almost didn't get through it, and as expected by the end of the book, i was sobbing. i can't believe how much i relate to the narrator's feelings of loneliness and longing and anxiety and neediness and emptiness and restlessness. here's a passage in which the narrator's friend todd shares some thoughts...

"i think about this...i think about how hard it is--even with the desire, and even with the will and the time--i think of how hard it is to reach that spot inside us that remains pure that we never manage to touch but which we know exists--and i try to touch that spot...what is you, scout? what is the you of you? what is the link? where do you begin and end? this you thing--is it an invisible silk woven from your memories? is it a spirit? is it electric? what exactly is it?...oh, i know you guys think my life is some big joke--that it's going nowhere. but i'm happy. and it's not like i'm lost or anything. we're all too fucking middle class to ever be lost. lost means you had faith or something to begin with and the middle class never really had any of that. so we can never be lost. and you tell me, scout--what is it we end up being, then--what exactly is it we end up being then--instead of being lost?"

lately i have been feeling so tainted and diluted that i find myself yearning for purity. i'm not talking about doing all the morally right things externally or following a bunch of rules. i believe that there is something about purity that inherently goes beyond rules and beyond morality. and as cloudy and foggy as i feel these days, i know that in me somewhere is that purity that i am longing for. i know it must be so, or else i wouldn't care about it. the way i envision this purity to be is like that little girl clutching her father's hand. i think it has something to do with putting all my hope, trust and devotion in something beyond myself, something i simply know and believe without a doubt to be my ultimate protector and my source of thoroughly complete happiness and unconditional love.

some people think that if they only find that one person to fall in love with for the rest of their lives, that would be the ultimate happiness. i don't buy that though. i was telling josh b. last night that i am now skeptical of romantic love, that i don't believe it's the end that i'm looking for. there has to be more. frankly, i have come to doubt my ability to love someone in such a way unless i first find that purity and soak myself in it. i'm not saying this out of being jaded. i'm saying this because i know that without this purity, i am only capable of being a selfish spoiled brat manifesting all sorts of symptoms of brokenness. i don't expect to become perfect. i just hope to be whole, to love purely and entirely, and to receive love purely and entirely.

recent soundtrack:
s/t - the ocean blue
see the ocean blue - tob
from the nest of idea - scientific
it's hard to find a friend - pedro the lion
ghost of david - damien jurado
i break chairs - damien jurado
misc. mp3s including:
will you find me - american music club
whole - ptl
invention - ptl
nightswimming - r.e.m.
talk about the passion - r.e.m.
perfect circle - r.e.m.
summer dress - red house painters
have you forgotten - red house painters
kyrie eleison - sinead oconnor
but not tonight - depeche mode
we walk the same line - everything but the girl
25 december - ebtg
notebook - the innocence mission
failure - kings of convenience
when all the stars were falling - lisa loeb
yesterday, tomorrow - denison witmer
everybody knows - denison witmer
you're beautiful - mojave 3
prayer for the paranoid - mojave 3
2 stones in my pocket - neil halstead
dreamed i saw soldiers - neil halstead
high hopes - neil halstead
a bunch of other stuff...

i just found out the weakerthans are coming to the empty bottle the same nite as the 764-hero/6parts7/swearing@motorists concert @ schubas on may 18th. AGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was planning on seeing joe sweeney earlier that nite at schubas for the early show and then catching the 764hero show right after...but like how often do the weakerthans come to chicago? like not that often, those canadians...i don't know what to do...i am so spoiled it's sick. i mean, imagine if i lived in the middleofnowhere, usa. to be stressing cuz there are like way too many choices for live music is probably way stupid. but that's how i feel, so there. maybe i'll draw straws...flip a coin...clone myself...plant a recording device at one of the locations...keep driving back & forth between the two locations...cry...see how the spirit leads me...whatever. i wish i'd never found out about the weakerthans concert. then i would have been ignorantly blissful. ah, knowledge--what bittersweet turmoil you bring on my head.

i have survived the mini heat wave we had today in chicago. the thunderstorm just passed over us, and it has cooled down significantly. there is a gentle breeze coming in through the bedroom window surrounding me in cushions of cool air. i actually took pictures of the thunderstorm but accidentally erased all of them before i had a chance to download them. my first digital lightning shots zapped into nonexistence at the touch of a button.

hung out w/ josh b. tonite. went to uptown for some thai food. talked about lots of stuff. he has two of the cutest cats i've ever seen! both were so friendly, more like puppies craving attention and wanting to play all the time.

i'm wiped out...no concert tomorrow (friday). the girls will be celebrating a bday on saturday. i can use the rest. i'm behind around 11 artists. my goal is to have the web pages uploaded this weekend. i'm nodding off cuz i'm writing this in bed...i'm signing off....

tonight's blogging soundtrack: quiet is the new loud - kings of convenience

josh (bearman) called me tonite. turns out he and his friend were driving down damen and saw me while i was shooting photos from the bridge! i got a kick out of that. yeah, that should become a common occurrence, seeing me walking around pointing my camera at everything and anything in the urban landscape which i now call home. my goal is to become a bucktown/wicker park fixture as that strange asian chick who is known to stop dead in her tracks to pull out a camera and start shooting away indefinitely or until the memory on her compact flash card runs out, whichever comes first.

recent soundtrack--

sleeping on roads - neil halstead
ask me tomorrow - mojave3
excuses for travellers - mojave3
out of tune - mojave 3
fold your hands child, you walk like a peasant - belle & sebastian
songs for the new year - simon joyner
acoustic - everything but the girl
bringing it all back home - bob dylan
safe away - denison witmer
of joy and sorrow - denison witmer
from the nest of idea - scientific
films for radio - over the rhine
grace - jeff buckley
i have seen - zero7
cerulean - the ocean blue
i break chairs - damien jurado
tonite's blogging mp3s:
when you sleep - my bloody valentine; nose over tail - alkaline trio; this is getting over you - alkaline trio; western sky - american music club; asleep - american music club; waiting for the moon to rise - belle & sebastian; a summer wasting - belle & sebastian; calm go the wild seas - beulah; deep blue day - brian eno; consolation prize - the ocean blue; do you still remember me - the ocean blue; femme fatale - the velvet underground

it is 10pm @ the spin cycle on milwaukee & wabansia. i am seeking refuge here in these air conditioned quarters from the sauna that is now my attic apartment 3 blocks away. i am waiting for my dryer load to stop spinning. been listening to damien jurado's i break chairs while reading douglas coupland's life after god. interesting combo of pacific northwest emotive outpourings. these guys make me want to laugh and cry simultaneously and alternately.

i love the laundromat. especially tonite when i really needed to cool off somewhere besides my own four walls. the spin cycle is an interesting place. it's kind of like a village well i suppose. you get all kinds of people here. at this hour on a wednesday night, it's pretty empty and quiet except for the constant sound of mechanical spinning from the washers and dryers. it's quite relaxing, really.

it's been a busy week. saw neil halstead twice, and had the serendipitous pleasure of discovering the music of andrew bird, who opened up for neil. i can't describe andrew's music except that it's absolutely gorgeous. i was really blown away. his songs sounded like the sirens song from o brother where art thou--the feel & echo of the music. and he can whistle like a god! i think one of the most beautiful sounds EVER is of really good whistling.

he & his group bowl of fire will be playing @ the hideout the first weekend in may. i am totally there. and i would totally recommend everyone in the chicago area to come out and see this show. i bet it's really cheap. stuff at the hideout is usually free or cheap. always a good thing. another singer/songwriter named sid hillman also opened up. he's been touring w/ neil and sand with him on hi-low and inbetween. all in all, 3 quality acts at the abbey.



i really had a good time by myself at the abbey. it was nice to be able to roam around & take photos as i pleased without having to keep track of other people. i usually get lost in taking my photos anyway, and then i always feel rude if i'm with other people. sometimes it was hard to take photos though when i would get lost in neil's voice. i never tire of hearing that voice...it reminds me so of nick drake.


tonite as i was driving home from the hospital, i saw up ahead of me hanging over the loop a gigantic fluffy cloud--it looked like the pillsbury doughboy's family reunion. i just wanted to float out of my car right there and then and fly to that cloud & plunge myself into it, and i was sure it would taste like the inside of a freshly roasted marshmallow. instead, i pulled into the costco parking lot and walked up to my bridge, the one over the chicago river on damen just south of diversey, that bridge i love crossing so much.

the sun had subsided far enough for the temperature to have cooled to a pleasant summer night air. as the natural light faded to just a whisper, the manmade fluorescent bulbs turned up their volume. there's something about the smooth red steel semiparabolic arches that is so beautiful against a gradually darkening sky. i don't know why i'm so fond of that bridge. i probably won't be able to stand the sight of it a year from now.

on 04.15.2001 at 11:59 PM i successfully did my business with the irs.what an ordeal! there's gotta be an easier way to file taxes. i wonder how many people in the chicago area were as distracted by the weather as i was and totally forgot about that darn deadline. maybe it was just me, always waiting until the last possible moment.

today was another gorgeous day. it was actually sunny and HOT. my poor apartment is on the 3rd floor and all the heat rises up here. i've got a bunch of windows open now, though, and there's a lovely cool breeze coming in through my little eastern window. it seems that the little insects and other creepy crawly creatures haven't caught on to the weather yet, beucase i don't have a screen on my window, and i haven't seen one miniature flying object yet. we'll see how long that lasts.

i went to see neil halstead today at reckless records for his free instore performance. he sounds SO GOOD live!!! he looks like a really normal person. he was wearing something like jeans, t-shirt and a baseball cap. after his show, i was browsing cds, and he was too, and we were right next to each other, and i had totally forgotten who he was because he was so unassuming and looked like your average reckless records consumer. when i did realize who he was, i froze up and pretended to ignore him, although i wanted so badly to go up to him and request some songs for tomorrow night's concert at the abbey.

alright. i'm going to retire for the eveing...

today's soundtrack:
sleeping on roads - neil halstead
blonde on blonde - bob dylan
see the ocean blue - the ocean blue

this is from sunday, 4.14.2002. it's a rambling session, so be warned.

i am coming to you live from wicker park, chi-town--it is frickin' gorgeous!! it's early sunday afternoon, don't know what time, but by the position of the sun and daylight savings time being so recent, i'd say it's about 2:30pm. the cool green grass poking through my toes and it feels absolutely lovely.


bodies are strewn throughout the park eager to melt away the memories of the past cold winter, making room for the hope of spring flowers & warm sun & friendly breezes & lazy puffy cotton white clouds against a cerulean sky. on a day like today, anything is possible. and if i look straight up at just the sky, i can be anywhere in the world because we all share the same blue bubble over our heads despite our longitude & latitude.

listening to safe away (denison witmer). there are guys playing the guitar, alone & in pairs, and a young man reveling in his own personal self-performed concert on a bright red bongo slung around his neck. the whole neighborhood is out. the toddlers, the teens, the young adults, the older adults. it's one big happy coexistence amongst these people who several weeks ago would've turned their collars up against the wind and not cared about the next door neighboors they brushed past on the streets, coming into contact only accidentally due to spatial constraints.

the canines are as happy as can be, some just napping lazily next to their owners and others running around wild & eager for something to fetch. a lot of reading getting done, or at least the appearance of reading. a lot of napping too. i really can't think of anything else i'd reather be doing right now. well, at least in the city of chicago, that is...

i was telling josh (ny josh) last nite how much i'm enjoying being alone these days. i feel like i've hardly had any time to myself my entire life, and now that i've had a taste of it, i get it. there are things that just seem to come together in your heart & mind without any effort when you simply spend time in solitude. it's hard to explain...it reminds me of some stuff i read a while back about how systems (such as organizations or the universe) tend to organize themselves out of chaos if you just leave them alone. it seems that the chaos of my life thus far is somehow working itself out even though i'm not making too much of a concerted effort in that direction. neverthless, i know that it's probably overly optimistic for me to think that all my emotional and spiritual issues will work themselves out even if i just sit on my butt and make NO effort whatsoever to aid the process. i know know i have issues to face. but i'm not gonna get all geared up for war & start arming my nukes. i'm currently watching the various disc throwing going on. there were these two girls tossing a neon green frisbee just like the one josh & i threw around on chrissy field in san fran. except theirs probably doesn't say xerox on it. that was one of my favorite memories from SF, playing frisbee, napping in the sun, playing reverse jenga on the bay w/ the rocks on the shore, driving around the bend in the road and being greeted by the pacific ocean. and my favorite picture of the golden gate bridge is from that day.

there is a young man scrambling up a tree as if he were 9 again. he is now perched amongst the branches like a wild cat, not waiting for unsuspecting prey below, but reading a book. it looks cool and all, but that has gotta hurt after a while. looking around at the park, i can understand why he's chosen to stake out his territory above ground. the grass is literally occupied in its entireity by the invisible boundaries of individual frisbee tourneys, nappers, ball throwers, and other miscellaneous lolligaggers, i being one of them. i wonder why we don't climb trees so often these days. you never see people climbing trees anymore...

well, i'm going to close my eyes and listen to damien jurado on my headphones now. enough people watching. time for some shuteye...

today's soundtrack:

from the nest of idea - scientific (again)
safe away - denison witmer
i break chairs - damien jurado
cerulean - the ocean blue

so i like stayed up until 07:15 this morning and was snoozing away until neil halstead woke me up a few minutes ago (i can't wait to see him in concert next week!! woohoo!!!). then i was going to be a diligent webber and work on finishing my concert photos (i am now backlogged 8 artists--more than what i've actually got up and running). but then i stuck my head out the window, and it is frickin' sunny and WARM... y'all know what that means. i don't need to do my laundry cuz i don't need socks today!!!! well, that, and the fact that it would be a sin to stay indoors. no, literally, from a theological standpoint, it would be a sin for me personally, i mean it's like wasting perfectly good food on your plate--i got me this beautiful day outdoors so why let it go unseized? i know, that's exactly what i was thinking. so i'm going to do my duty (isn't it great when what you should do is what you want to do?) and get my butt outdoors. i'm off to wicker park, which is where you'll find the dogs, the frisbee players, the hoopsters, the skateboarders, the smokers, the lovers, the dreamers and me...

update on my dad--did i mention he's eating food now? like through his mouth!!! hallelujah, thank you jesus!--as my dear former boss eloise would say. yup, he's doing better and the doctor said he may come home in like a week!!!!!!!!! i'm giddy with joy when i think about it.

soundtrack so far:
from the nest of idea - scientific (just picked up this cd at reckless yesterday cuz it was cheap and i'm totally diggin it!!! if you're interested, go visit them at http://scientificmusic.com/index.html it was perfect for getting myself energized after a night of frugal sleep.)

i will leave you with these photos i took yesterday of what i know is waiting for me out there...


ah, the daffodil! one of the first signs of spring...have you ever seen a meadow of just daffodils blooming in the late afternoon sun, as everything turns golden and pink and fuschia and magenta? me neither, but it's a lovely thought...i have a vague recollection of a poem called daffodil from high school where there was a black & white picture of a field of daffodils. not the same as being there, but placed in my head the notion that being in such a field wouldn't be a bad idea.

and here's another sure sign that spring has come to chicago--the beds of scilla by lincoln park zoo blooming blue and intoxicating the unsuspecting passerby with its maddeningly alluring aroma. i know that i have been put under its spell meters and meters away and had to follow it to its source like a siren's song calling them young sailors (i don't know why in the world i have the song rainbow connection in my head today...). i have always restrained myself from just rolling around in it, but i think next time i'll give in...

and then there's the forsythia...one of the last photos i took in korea (i mean that someone took of me--i was only like 3 days short of 6) was me in my snoopy shirt peeking out from within a large wildly untamed forsythia bush. i love it when folks let their forsythias grow however they please instead of trimming them into rectangular boxes. i want to cry whenever i see forsythia bushes that have been trimmed in this manner. i just try to imagine if someone cut my hair into a rectangular shape, and i can guarantee that it would be something worthy of grief for me (no scissors have touched my head for like a few years; it's not like i'm samson with superpower hair, but i just like letting certain things grow wild and take on a life of their own. i do trim my nails though.)

and this is a makeshift art gallery i encountered yesterday like a block away from me on the corner of damen & moffat. actually, it's an abandoned lot that's been fenced off with these huge concrete grids like a couple meters in the ground. one of the grid blocks was full of rain water, and of course i had to stop and look at the reflections in that big puddle. and then i saw this picture and decided i wanted to take it home with me. a nice balance to the flora in this post, don't you think? daffodil, scilla, forsythia, a little concrete, metal piping--it's all good.

so these are three.five reasons i'm gonna scadaddle on out of here! go check out scientific if you have time and are so inclined!

uh oh...i hear birds singing already and i'm still awake...this can't be a good thing...

went to green mill (jazz club on the northside) w/ connolly & olarn. met some really really nice girls, sarah, tina and elise. all work in the nonprofit sector, which is refreshing. more on than later...

sat. nite's > 19:00 cdt soundtrack -

i break chairs - damien jurado
mp3s:
notebook - innocence mission
lilac wine - jeff buckley
government center - jonathan richman
river - joni mitchell
singing softy to me - kings of convenience
someday right now - mustard plug
subculture - new order
monosyllabic girl - nofx
rollerskate skinny - the old 97's
valentine - the old 97's

i woke up this morning w/ a splitting headache and killer allergies. i forgot that happens in spring sometimes if i don't take my drugs regularly. i need to move to the desert or something. my allergies never bothered me out there. as for my headache, i don't know if it's the sierra nevada i had at schubas last nite. i didn't eat much of a dinner--like 4 spoonfuls of an endemame bowl--and then i had to chug the pint so i could put the glass down to have my hands free to shoot photos. i don't have any aspirin & i don't have any alcohol in the apt otherwise i would have taken two pills & had some beer this morning to alleviate the symptoms of what i guess may potentially be a hangover. i think i'm just exhausted. and probably malnutritioned. i haven't been able to eat these days, i think cuz of all the stress w/ my dad and moving out on my own and all that jazz. i get hungry, but when i do eat, i can't eat more than a few bites, so i stop. i think my body probably needs more food than a banana, 3 bites of a grilled cheese and 4 spoonfuls of a veggie rice bowl for an entire day's meal. ah, the limitations of the human body...and my dad's been on my case to take care of my health while i'm young. he's right.

so i went to see songs: ohia yesterday at schubas. a band called early day miners from bloomington, in opened up. i'd heard of them but not their music. i really liked them. their musical interludes (which often lasted a long time) kinda reminded me of the 6 parts 7 but then again it was a different sound, but it just felt really visual, which i thought the 6parts7 were like. i made the mistake of standing in the very center right in front of the stage, and i was just too close to take some of the angles i normally want. i usually try to get an entire band picture, but it was impossible at that close of a range. the bass player was smack in front of me, and i had to squirm and internalize his movements to time my shots of the drummer so that i could have at least a few shots of him.


songs: ohia or shall i just say jason molina since it's really just him. i really like his songwriting. and he sounded great just him & his guitar. there were times when the crowd was a bit talkative, which is hard when the you really want to listen carefully to the songs because it's not only musically beautifully but lyrically also poetically moving, which jason's songs tend to be. i would definitely see him live again. i have to admit in terms of shooting photos, it was hard taking a variety of pictures of just one person. i think i had more flexibility doing denison because he played w/ a band for a few of his songs, and i was also able to change my angle more freely than w/ jason. oh well. it's not just about the photos. it's about the music, and i'm glad i chose songs: ohia over beulah last nite. i mean, i really like beulah--they're fun to listen to and everything, but jason's songs mean more to me.

i'd never heard of marshmallow coast or of montreal (the headlining band). the latter was basically marshmallow coast w/ the addition of lead singer kevin barnes, who is basically a nut. it was a lot of fun to watch! great party music. not the type of songs i would listen to for relaxation, but the type i'd clean house to or play for a raucous party, which i hold like ALL the time. uh huh. musically, they were a smorgasborg, switching off instruments like costume changes. very high energy--i doubt any one was sleepy by the time the show ended at 1am. i know i wasn't.

alright, so that's the summary of my latest concert. working on the photos, but it's a nice day out, and i'm gonna get a move on so i can go see my dad. he's doing better, by the way. got all his humongo staples removed, but he can't use his morphine during the day which is causing him some pain, but he says it's bearable. connolly & olarn & i may do green mill tonight. i don't know if i'll take photos. i'm tired.

today's soundtrack so far: misc mp3s: sweet soul revue--pizzicato5, magic carpet ride--p5, this year's girl#2-p5, grace cathedral park - red house painters, golden-rhp, lord kill the pain - rhp, don't leave the light on baby-belle&sebastian, ease your feet in the sea-b&s, the rollercoaster ride-b&s, love&work-songs:ohia, untitled-blink182, wendy clear-blink182, all the small things-blink182, just like a woman-bob dylan, i shall be released-bob, visions of johanna-bob, deep blue day-brian eno, mexico-cake, let me go-cake, accident prone-jawbreaker; the curse of great beauty-clem snide, joan jett of arc-clem snide, something more besides you-cowboy junkies, tonight i will retire-damien jurado, crush-dave matthews band, coney island-death cab for cutie, you got me good-denison witmer, punk rock girl-diesel boy, needle in the hay-elliott smith, beyond belief-elvis costello, 25th december-everything but the girl, i don't understand anything - ebtg

yesterday's soundtrack:
didn't it rain - songs:ohia
decade cd1 - neil young
sleeping on roads - neil halstead
mp3s: the closest thing-the juliana theory; p.s. we'll call you when we get there-juliana theory; this is not a love song-juliana theory; denmark-the ocean blue; my best friend-tob; cukaloris-tob; been down lateley-tob; consolation prize-tob; do you still remember me-tob; it never, just might-tob; i-pizzicato 5; day is done-nick drake; river man-nick; time has told me-nick; harvest breed-nick; which will-nick; fly-nick; road-nick; place to be-nick; temptation-new order; true faith-new order; lonesome tonight-new order; farmhouse-phish; i don't sleep, i dream-r.e.m.; nightswimming-r.e.m.; belong-r.e.m; things mean a lot-red house painters; have you forgotten-rhp; this song-ron sexsmith; hold back the night-sinead oconnor; i dreamed i dream - sonic youth; i melt with you-modern english; the stars our desitiny-stereolab; ocean-sunny day real estate; my hotel years-the ataris; where do i begin-the chemical bros w/ beth orton; just like heaven-the cure; from the edge of the deep green sea - the cure; all tomorrow's parties - the velvet underground; venus in furs-the velvets; confessions of a futon revolutionist-the weakerthans; anchorless - the weakerthans; d.'s car jam/anxious MoFo-the minutemen; it was a good day-ice cube; really doe-ice cube

today was an absolutely gorgeous day. the sun was making up for lost time and it was WARM, even at night after the sun was long gone i could drive with my windows rolled down. and i wore my sports sandals today. man, i missed those sandals. nike may be the devil, but they make some damn fine sports sandals. i have to find the exact same pair somewhere before they stop making this style & just stock up on em. alas, the warm weather will be yesterday's memory come tomorrow according to weather.com. although the mid 50s are nothing to cry about here in chicago this early in spring. i mean, just last week there was snow on the ground. still, my feet are going to wonder what's with the socks tomorrow...

my dad's doing better. there's hope that he'll be able to come home sometime in the next couple weeks. i was so exhausted today at the hospital, i pretty much dozed the whole time. i didn't bother doing any reading or work on my laptop. it was probably good for my body to just sit there for awhile. it's really hard to believe that my dad is dying of terminal cancer. he's alert, he's moving around, he's gaining weight. it's still all kind of surreal, like a movie script gone bad. somebody alert the screenwriter that the plot twist is just not going to work out and they should change the ending.

i ran into an old friend today--matt dobschuetz, my first friend at the vineyard. i was glad to see him because i wanted him to hear what was going on in my life from my own mouth. as i drove home from that little encounter, my mind was flooded with memories back when i was just a kid in college and knew nothing about anything, and what fun we had back then. i think those were the times i developed a habit of chauffeuring people around. matt had a skateboard, and i had a car. sometimes i think back to those days. i remember fitting 6 foot 5 ben in the trunk of my hatchback. i remember telling david raes i had a crush on bruce and he said, "sarah, all i have to say is that in the summertime he wears pink socks with yellow shorts." i remember syler falling out of his bronco when i told him how old bruce was. i remember joe samuel introducing me to mahler's 5th symphony. i remember the coffeehouse where andrea mazzeo played flute w/ andy young the hammer dulcimer guy and then we had a dance