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Saturday, April 13
posted by sarah jane rhee 13:56
i woke up this morning w/ a splitting headache and killer allergies. i forgot that happens in spring sometimes if i don't take my drugs regularly. i need to move to the desert or something. my allergies never bothered me out there. as for my headache, i don't know if it's the sierra nevada i had at schubas last nite. i didn't eat much of a dinner--like 4 spoonfuls of an endemame bowl--and then i had to chug the pint so i could put the glass down to have my hands free to shoot photos. i don't have any aspirin & i don't have any alcohol in the apt otherwise i would have taken two pills & had some beer this morning to alleviate the symptoms of what i guess may potentially be a hangover. i think i'm just exhausted. and probably malnutritioned. i haven't been able to eat these days, i think cuz of all the stress w/ my dad and moving out on my own and all that jazz. i get hungry, but when i do eat, i can't eat more than a few bites, so i stop. i think my body probably needs more food than a banana, 3 bites of a grilled cheese and 4 spoonfuls of a veggie rice bowl for an entire day's meal. ah, the limitations of the human body...and my dad's been on my case to take care of my health while i'm young. he's right.
so i went to see songs: ohia yesterday at schubas. a band called early day miners from bloomington, in opened up. i'd heard of them but not their music. i really liked them. their musical interludes (which often lasted a long time) kinda reminded me of the 6 parts 7 but then again it was a different sound, but it just felt really visual, which i thought the 6parts7 were like.  i made the mistake of standing in the very center right in front of the stage, and i was just too close to take some of the angles i normally want. i usually try to get an entire band picture, but it was impossible at that close of a range. the bass player was smack in front of me, and i had to squirm and internalize his movements to time my shots of the drummer so that i could have at least a few shots of him.
songs: ohia or shall i just say jason molina since it's really just him. i really like his songwriting. and he sounded great just him & his guitar. there were times when the crowd was a bit talkative, which is hard when the you really want to listen carefully to the songs because it's not only musically beautifully but lyrically also poetically moving, which jason's songs tend to be. i would definitely see him live again. i have to admit in terms of shooting photos, it was hard taking a variety of pictures of just one person. i think i had more flexibility doing denison because he played w/ a band for a few of his songs, and i was also able to change my angle more freely than w/ jason. oh well. it's not just about the photos. it's about the music, and i'm glad i chose songs: ohia over beulah last nite. i mean, i really like beulah--they're fun to listen to and everything, but jason's songs mean more to me.
 i'd never heard of marshmallow coast or of montreal (the headlining band). the latter was basically marshmallow coast w/ the addition of lead singer kevin barnes, who is basically a nut. it was a lot of fun to watch! great party music. not the type of songs i would listen to for relaxation, but the type i'd clean house to or play for a raucous party, which i hold like ALL the time. uh huh. musically, they were a smorgasborg, switching off instruments like costume changes. very high energy--i doubt any one was sleepy by the time the show ended at 1am. i know i wasn't.
alright, so that's the summary of my latest concert. working on the photos, but it's a nice day out, and i'm gonna get a move on so i can go see my dad. he's doing better, by the way. got all his humongo staples removed, but he can't use his morphine during the day which is causing him some pain, but he says it's bearable. connolly & olarn & i may do green mill tonight. i don't know if i'll take photos. i'm tired.
today's soundtrack so far: misc mp3s: sweet soul revue--pizzicato5, magic carpet ride--p5, this year's girl#2-p5, grace cathedral park - red house painters, golden-rhp, lord kill the pain - rhp, don't leave the light on baby-belle&sebastian, ease your feet in the sea-b&s, the rollercoaster ride-b&s, love&work-songs:ohia, untitled-blink182, wendy clear-blink182, all the small things-blink182, just like a woman-bob dylan, i shall be released-bob, visions of johanna-bob, deep blue day-brian eno, mexico-cake, let me go-cake, accident prone-jawbreaker; the curse of great beauty-clem snide, joan jett of arc-clem snide, something more besides you-cowboy junkies, tonight i will retire-damien jurado, crush-dave matthews band, coney island-death cab for cutie, you got me good-denison witmer, punk rock girl-diesel boy, needle in the hay-elliott smith, beyond belief-elvis costello, 25th december-everything but the girl, i don't understand anything - ebtg
yesterday's soundtrack:
didn't it rain - songs:ohia
decade cd1 - neil young
sleeping on roads - neil halstead
mp3s: the closest thing-the juliana theory; p.s. we'll call you when we get there-juliana theory; this is not a love song-juliana theory; denmark-the ocean blue; my best friend-tob; cukaloris-tob; been down lateley-tob; consolation prize-tob; do you still remember me-tob; it never, just might-tob; i-pizzicato 5; day is done-nick drake; river man-nick; time has told me-nick; harvest breed-nick; which will-nick; fly-nick; road-nick; place to be-nick; temptation-new order; true faith-new order; lonesome tonight-new order; farmhouse-phish; i don't sleep, i dream-r.e.m.; nightswimming-r.e.m.; belong-r.e.m; things mean a lot-red house painters; have you forgotten-rhp; this song-ron sexsmith; hold back the night-sinead oconnor; i dreamed i dream - sonic youth; i melt with you-modern english; the stars our desitiny-stereolab; ocean-sunny day real estate; my hotel years-the ataris; where do i begin-the chemical bros w/ beth orton; just like heaven-the cure; from the edge of the deep green sea - the cure; all tomorrow's parties - the velvet underground; venus in furs-the velvets; confessions of a futon revolutionist-the weakerthans; anchorless - the weakerthans; d.'s car jam/anxious MoFo-the minutemen; it was a good day-ice cube; really doe-ice cube
posted by sarah jane rhee 13:56
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Friday, April 12
posted by sarah jane rhee 01:41
 today was an absolutely gorgeous day. the sun was making up for lost time and it was WARM, even at night after the sun was long gone i could drive with my windows rolled down. and i wore my sports sandals today. man, i missed those sandals. nike may be the devil, but they make some damn fine sports sandals. i have to find the exact same pair somewhere before they stop making this style & just stock up on em. alas, the warm weather will be yesterday's memory come tomorrow according to weather.com. although the mid 50s are nothing to cry about here in chicago this early in spring. i mean, just last week there was snow on the ground. still, my feet are going to wonder what's with the socks tomorrow...
 my dad's doing better. there's hope that he'll be able to come home sometime in the next couple weeks. i was so exhausted today at the hospital, i pretty much dozed the whole time. i didn't bother doing any reading or work on my laptop. it was probably good for my body to just sit there for awhile. it's really hard to believe that my dad is dying of terminal cancer. he's alert, he's moving around, he's gaining weight. it's still all kind of surreal, like a movie script gone bad. somebody alert the screenwriter that the plot twist is just not going to work out and they should change the ending.
i ran into an old friend today--matt dobschuetz, my first friend at the vineyard. i was glad to see him because i wanted him to hear what was going on in my life from my own mouth. as i drove home from that little encounter, my mind was flooded with memories back when i was just a kid in college and knew nothing about anything, and what fun we had back then. i think those were the times i developed a habit of chauffeuring people around. matt had a skateboard, and i had a car. sometimes i think back to those days. i remember fitting 6 foot 5 ben in the trunk of my hatchback. i remember telling david raes i had a crush on bruce and he said, "sarah, all i have to say is that in the summertime he wears pink socks with yellow shorts." i remember syler falling out of his bronco when i told him how old bruce was. i remember joe samuel introducing me to mahler's 5th symphony.  i remember the coffeehouse where andrea mazzeo played flute w/ andy young the hammer dulcimer guy and then we had a dance party right after and it was finals week and i danced like crazy to reestablish my sanity. i remember the day yumi & i were mad at men & we went to the smoke shop & bought a pack of dunhills and i went to the 7-11 and bought a six pack of coors, drank it all, smoked an entire pack of virginia slims and threw up. i remember my first concert at the beat kitchen w/ lauren brombert & the urban nomad. i remember david bringing me bagels and granny smith apples from the oak street market. i remember the "living in oblivion" mix tape matt made me (i think i still have it). i remember matt ending his year of vegetarianism by diving into a pan of wings from buffalo joes. all these memories from a life that i lost track of. what do you do with these memories anyway? i can't take pictures of them now. i do miss that chunk of my early adulthood. i think that was the last time i was really happy. now these memories just leave a bittersweet taste in my mind and heart.
well, i think things are looking up though. i'm making new friends (well, one, but that's a start) and reconnecting with old ones. i think i'm processing stuff more internally now that i'm alone. i don't mind the solitude. i rather enjoy it. it's something new at least for now.
today's (and late last nite's) soundtrack:
after the gold rush - neil young
didn't it rain - songs: ohia
letting off the happiness - bright eyes
the boy with the arab strap - belle & sebastian
crash - dave matthews band
things shaped in passing - the six parts seven
thick as a brick - jethro tull
misc. velvet undergound songs (all tomorrow's parties, femme fatale, i'm waiting for the man, sunday morning, venus in furs, stephanie says, lady godiva's operation, pale blue eyes, some kinda love, candy says, beginning to see the light, that's the story of my life, sweet jane, lonesome cowboy bill, oh! sweet nuthin, ocean, satellite of love, ride into the sun)
posted by sarah jane rhee 01:41
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Wednesday, April 10
posted by sarah jane rhee 21:48
 today spring finally remembered chicago and landed in the windy city after 3 weeks of delay and failed approaches. in one moment of being greeted by sunshine and a gentle relatively warm breeze upon leaving work, i have declared that all is forgiven and spring is back in my graces. you see, i am not that difficult to please. one day of good weather will translate into at least hours of a pleasant sarah.
even sitting in the hospital room wasn't so bad once you were able to open a window and let some fresh spring air in. and my dad is doing better and doesn't look as pathetic as he has the past week. this has put both my mom and me in better spirits. nevertheless, i can't wait to get him out of there.
 today my dad was in a good enough mood to even turn on the t.v. he dove right into catching up on his korean soaps, which i find amusing for a 63 year old pastor. having never watched the shows, i was totally lost and worked on organizing my concert photo shoots from last weekend. it was funny to watch my dad stare blankly at the source of the blue electric glow radiating towards his bed, and i literally watched his eyes glaze over. he all but ignored a telephone call from a friend in guam and kept his eyes still glued upwards at the black box protruding from the ceiling. well, if a korean show about a rich old man and his barmaid mistress makes my dad happy, then so be it.
 i was adviced today by a wise young man that i need to get more sleep. i thought about this, and i think he's right because on the way to the hospital, i noticed that it was getting harder and harder to keep my eyes open and on the road or on the car in front of me. at first, i thought it was bob dylan singing desolation row that was lulling me into a state of semiconsciousness, but as i thought about it when i was more alert and clearheaded, i had to admit that maybe, just maybe, it is possible that there could be the chance that i potentially might need a little more sleep than i've been getting. it's been hard adjusting back to central time from pacific time...my body liked that time zone the best for some odd reason. so tonite i will aim for 5 hours of sleep. that's plenty, right?
today's soundtrack:
winners never quit - pedro the lion
highway 61 revisited - bob dylan
out of tune - mojave 3
a whole bunch of misc. songs including:
it never entered my mind – miles davis
shadows – red house painters
final solution – pere ubu
not dark yet – bob dylan
if i laugh – cat stevens
steadier footing—death cab for cutie
everybody knows—denison witmer
between the bars—elliott smith
i want you—elvis costello
last goodbye—jeff buckley
waiting for the miracle—leonard cohen
fly—nick drake
michael—red house painters
sunday morning comin’ down—shawn mullins
while my guitar gently weeps—the beatles
dreams—the cranberries
been down a lot lately—the ocean blue
marigold—the ocean blue
love song—the ocean blue
pretty girls make graves—the smiths
posted by sarah jane rhee 21:48
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Tuesday, April 9
posted by sarah jane rhee 23:28
okay. i've finally figured out how to do some stuff in page builder, which is what i use for my website on geocities.com. so i made some changes blah blah blah. i am tired. i burned my toast that i was gonna make my pb&j with, and i made new toast but haven't had the energy to get out of my chair to retrieve my little meal. i don't know what i'd do if it weren't for pb& j and trader joe's. speaking of which, when are they planning on opening one up in lakeview? i'm tired of having to go to glenview to do my grocery shopping. i broke down and went to the jewel yesterday. which reminds me--i have gelatto in the freezer. jewel had hagendaaz gelatto for $2/ pint, god bless 'em.
 my mom, brother & i are falling into a rotation schedule for staying w/ my dad at the hospital. it's mostly my mom & i really. my brother has so many meetings and stuff that i seem to have more free time even though i have a full-time job and he's a student. my dad's doing better. he's no longer on a basal morphine drip, which means he has to remember to give himself morphine boosts every 10 minutes or so to manage his pain. i'm basically working and early schedule (like 7am-3pm) and then going to the hospital from 4pm - 8pm which is when visiting hours are over. it's a rough schedule, yeah, but i've been taking my laptop & my cds & my notebook & my douglas coupland collection, so i'm not bored.
 i think my emotions are finally settling down now that i'm over the initial shock. i can get through the day at work without keeping my office door closed the entire day so nobody bothers me. now i leave it half open at least half the time. my boss has been really nice about everything. she told me i need to be with my dad as much as possible during this time. i don't know what i'd do if i worked at a place that didn't care about what was going on.
 it's still hard to see my dad so helpless in that skimpy pistachio green hospital gown, seeing him grimace with pain with even the slightest movements. i just don't see how anybody could recover from a surgery like his. he's in pretty good spirits all things considered. i'd be asking for someone to shoot me if i were in his condition.
my mom is still exhausted from the whole ordeal, but i think she's encouraged by my willingness to show up everyday. i think she feels like she can bear the gargantuan burden of caring for my dad as long as she knows she's not alone. i'm clueless when it comes to caring for the sick, but i'll do what i can in providing company and emotional support.
alright, it's almost midnite, and i think i'm going to call it a nite. yes, it's early for me, but i do have the crack of dawn to think about.
oh, in case you're wondering about the photos, the 1st of one is my parents' engagement picture. they both look so young! my mom was younger than i am now in that picture. the 2nd picture is of my dad when he was a reporter in korea at the 38th parallel (the demilitarized zone). i suppose that's north korea in there somewhere. the last picture is of my dad in paris when he went to europe to attend ski school in the alps. see that camera around his neck? turns out he was quite a photographer back then. i guess that's where i get my need to stick my eye in a viewfinder and click click click away.
today's soundtrack (plus yesterday's mixed in):
the times they are a-changin' - bob dylan
nashville skyline - bob dylan
didn't it rain - songs:ohia
when your heartstrings break - beulah
white ladder- david gray
last splash - the breeders
being there - wilco
the photo album - death cab for cutie
control - pedro the lion
never mind the bollocks...- the sex pistols
posted by sarah jane rhee 23:28
posted by sarah jane rhee 19:31
alright, my pictures from the ocean blue concert are up...clem snide is next...http://www.geocities.com/sierrajuliettromeo/theoceanblue.html
posted by sarah jane rhee 19:31
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Sunday, April 7
posted by sarah jane rhee 23:45
i went to see clem snide @ the abbey pub last nite. it was one of the best concerts i've ever been too. eef barzelay is so much fun live. poor olarn--had to stay up late two nites in a row because i was doing another photo shoot! oh well, it's good for him to get a bit of culture, and he wouldn't go to these things if connolly & i didn't plan them.
i've got so many photos to sort through from this weekend--i did 6 bands/artists in two nights and probably close to 400 photos. songs: ohia are coming to schuba's next week and then neil halstead just a few days after that. oh! and i'm gonna get to see mark eitzel for my birthday! if mark kozelek and/or the red house painters were to come to town, that would be so cool...it's been like a year since either hit chi-town.
alright, i'm tired--gonna go home (i'm in glenview at my former condo right now using the fast internet connection). gotta start making the donuts before the sun gets up tomorrow...
(update on my dad: it's so hard to leave him at the hospital when the clock strikes 8pm and visiting hours end. i can't stand the thought of him being alone all night. i can be terribly empathic, especially when it comes to people i love as dearly as my dad, and i could feel the pain of his loneliness every night when he grips my hand as i say goodnite. i used to wonder how much i loved my parents, whether i'd have enough of a soul to care for them out of love and not mere duty if they were to get sick. it's amazing how your ability to love in action is boosted during times like these, kind of like an adrenaline boost when you're faced with an emergency. somehow there is grace for me to love my dad during the time of his greatest need and weakness, and i know it's not because i'm a good person or of strong character or anything like that. it's grace--being able to do what i know i normally wouldn't have done.
i still can't get through the day without crying, and i was crying again as i left the hospital tonight. then i checked my voicemail, and my best friend josh had left me a message that immediately had me laughing, and he called me the same time i was listening to the voicemail, and it was enough to comfort me for the time being. that was the 2nd time josh had called today when i really needed to hear someone else's voice (usually when i'm on the road--it seems like it doesn't matter what i'm listening to these days in the car; i'm sure the beastie boys could make me cry in my current state of heart). then connolly called me tonight and played back messages that josh had left on his machine, and we both had a good laugh. i should have josh just make a tape of himself saying whatever and send them to me so that i could listen to them when i need a comical interlude.
i keep telling myself it'll be better once my dad comes home...i'm anxious for him to be surrounded by all the loving comforts of his own home instead of the cold sterile hospital bed that he's been cruelly confined to for almost 3 weeks...nevertheless, i feel that this experience is really bringing our family closer and giving me an entirely new perspective on life and its priorities.)
today's soundtrack:
wrecking ball - emmylou harris
your favorite music - clem snide
blue - joni mitchell
axxess & ace - songs: ohia
self-titled - songs: ohia
good dog bad dog - over the rhine
posted by sarah jane rhee 23:45
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