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Saturday, May 4
posted by sarah jane rhee 08:30
today is my first morning in a world without my father. it is a concept i don't yet understand. i'm broken as a girl can be, to borrow pedro's line. i'm going to need some major major work by the hole-fixin man.
i made the rather curious decision to listen to the violet burning's faith & devotions of a satellite heart cd last night around 1 am or something. those of you who know this cd, know i was setting myself up for becoming totally unhinged. last night, i have been to what i know to be the edge of sanity. i almost took a nosedive into the abyss, but somehow i didn't. something tells me that what i thought was the edge was still a good distance from the real edge, and that i will get closer and closer to the limits of my emotional endurance before this is all over. and yet i know that somehow i will get through this. even this.
although i'm thankful to have been there for my father's last breath, it is that very moment that is tearing me up inside now. i do not understand that single point in time in which the crossover is made from life to death. i understand life. i at least saw death. but that line that separates the two, i don't understand. for some reason, that moment in time that is so tiny that it almost doesn't exist is what is really buggin me now.
what becomes of a daddy's girl when she loses her father? will god be my father now? i've never seen much need for him as long as my dad was around. but that time has passed and now i am lost. i feel like my dad was the navigator in my car on my roadtrip called life, and he got out without telling me, but left me the map, and now i have to learn to read maps and drive at the same time and i don't know which way is north south east or west up or down.
can i put aside my grief to honor and celebrate the life of a no-name saint like my father? jimmy jae in rhee--born 5/2/1938, married 9/28/1968, becomes father to my brother jim 10/11/1969, meets jesus 01/1972, becomes my dad 5/26/1972, immigrates to the u.s. 5/23/1978, follows jesus and basically loves and serves people until 5/3/2002. i am not exaggerating when i say that the lives he has touched are scattered across the globe, including thousands in north korea, the country to which he devoted a good portion of his latter life and where he wanted to spend the remainder of his life caring for the so many hungry, broken, needy people there. my father would dive headfirst into his adventures. he was a radical among korean pastors. he was not afraid to go against conformity to follow where his jesus was taking him. the roads he took were often bumpy and unpaved, and those close to him who were along for the ride had to suffer through some messy terrain. and even when he would take a wrong turn here or there, he always knew who he was supposed to be following, and he'd get back on that road somehow. he was passionate about everything he did and believed and loved. and he was a worshipper. he loved jesus so much, and i know that it was this love that ignited all his other passions in life. he has passed onto me a distate for blind conformity and i am the free spirit that i am today because of his influence.
he crossed generational gaps in ways that i've seen only on rare occassions, especially in korean culture, where those boundaries between the young and old are so meticulously upheld. he loved children, and they naturally loved him because he allowed them to be children, even in church, and they knew they'd always find open arms if they ran to my dad. he loved the youth and saw the potential in them when their parents only saw rebellion and strange hair and baggy pants and bad study habits and weird music. he loved the young adults and mentored and was a father to many of them and respected them to the point that the pastor he chose as his area small group leader was a pastor who was just my brother's age. he loved the older adults, too, and always had hope for those whose lives seemed to be decades of mess and mistakes believing that it was never too late to find joy and peace. he loved the elderly, and respected the many often forgotten korean grandmas who at the end of their lives in a foreign country have nothing left but their faith to hold onto.
it was my father who suggested to my brother that he check out the vineyard for a church, and that decision changed the course of our family's history. it was really during his decade in the vineyard that my father became the dad and husband and pastor he was at the end of his life. this is where he learned to welcome the holy spirit and to partner with the holy spirit and to follow the holy spirit. this is where our family was reconciled, me to my brother, my brother to my father, my father to my mother.
my father was an extraordinary man. and at the same time he was an ordinary man. his life was full of mistakes and failures, but he didn't harden his heart, and he didn't give up, and he held onto jesus' hand tightly. he knew that who he was and what he'd done was not by his own merit but by god's grace. i don't put my dad on a pedestal. i have seen with my own eyes his brokenness and his shortcomings and his allround humanness in every facet of his life. but i honor him now because i loved him and still love him, and because his life always gave me hope for mine, that if he could live such a passionate life, that maybe i wasn't too messed up to experience that same passion in my own life. it's true that i don't know god the way my father did, and i still haven't worked out the whole faith thing. all i know is that there is something within me that has protected me from becoming bitter and resentful as i watched the one my heart loves most suffer and fade away. in fact, somehow, watching my father die has softened parts of my heart that were as hard as marble, and i can sense a life within me that i don't understand but know is not made up in my head. is this the new heathen sarah? maybe i'll drop that heathen label from now on and just be sarah, whoever and wherever that may lead. and someday the hope i have is that it will lead me to the place where i'll be with my dad face to face, this time his face beaming again with that angelic smile and his voice able to express his love for me outloud and his arms strong and outstretched to embrace me, the daughter i know he loved so tenderly and unapologetically.
posted by sarah jane rhee 08:30
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Friday, May 3
posted by sarah jane rhee 21:37
warning--the following post describes an event that some people may find disturbing because it involves death and love intermingled. don't say i didn't warn you.
my dad passed away this evening.
i had spent thursday night w/ him in the hospital, and when i tried to wake him in the morning, he wouldn't open his eyes and his breathing was extremely difficult. i felt right away that his time to go was near, and my heart sank. i tried calling my mom, no answer, my mom's cell phone, no answer, our family pastor, busy. i was scared witless as i saw my dad struggling for each breath. the nurse finally got a hold of my dad's doctor, who got a hold of my mom, and i got a hold of our pastor's wife who gave me a number to call my pastor at.
but for a good hour or so, i was alone with my dad, and i begged him to hold on, mom was on her way. i've never been around a person on their last leg of life before, and what i experienced today is that the lines between the natural and supernatural worlds seem to get fuzzy. somehow, even though my dad could not say anything beyond grunts as he gasped for each breath, i could feel what was in his heart clearly. and the love...the love...my father loved me so much...i saw his eyes fill with tears as he saw me sobbing over him, i saw the pain he felt at leaving me and my family.
all day, our extended family gathered as well as close friends. various pastors came to comfort our family, including my dad's personal pastor steve nicholson and his wife cindy, john willison who wrote some of my dad's favorite worship songs, dave frederick of the oak park vineyard, and rand tucker & his wife aimee of the hyde park vineyard. having rand and john come meant especially a lot to me because they have both been my pastors to some degree in the past. john also brought his guitar and we sang my redeemer lives and anything you ask, two songs he'd written that were among my dad's favorites. i have to say i'm so grateful to steve & cindy for their love and care for my family during this time. i never realized how compassionate steve was until this whole ordeal with my dad.
they say that your sense of hearing is the last to go, and even when a dying person seems unconscious, they can hear what we're saying. so all day, we spoke what was on our hearts to my dad as we caressed his hands, his face, his hair. i will never forget the time i spent today gently stroking my dad's face as i looked into his eyes and told him over and over again how much i loved him. i think my brother finally got to say everything he'd been wanting to say his whole life. and my mother...she will never finish expressing what is in her heart for the man she has been through hell and high water with for 34 years.
he struggled for every breath for another 11 hours until the doctor finally came and turned off his oxygen. everybody then gathered around and they sang hymns and prayed as my brother, mother & i sobbed. it was agonizing hearing him die, as he gasped for the air in his lungs that were cut off by the mass of cancer cells. somehow, i kept my face in front of his face, stroking his cheek and did not let my eyes let go of his eyes as i told him again and again that i loved him, and that it was time for him to rest now, until a few minutes later he gave up his last breath.
i don't know at what point my father went from looking into my eyes to looking into the eyes of jesus, but i know at that moment, he was free from the body that had been so ravaged by pain and suffering for the past 7 months. he was finally free. he is free now. he has entered into his rest, after devoting the last 30 years of his life to running after jesus and serving and loving other people. and he left me, his daughter, with the full assurance of a father's steadfast and unconditional love. never in my entire life have i doubted whether my father loved me. all my life, my mom told me that i was my father's joy of life, and i never doubted it. and at the same time, i watched my father's devoted love for god & god's people & broken people & hurting people & lonely people. i watched him be a father to so many who never knew what a father's love was like. i watched him love and cherish those who were forgotten or overlooked, whether they were single moms or widows and their children or the mentally ill. i know of countless hours spent on his knees in a little closet in my parents' house.
my father's life was far from picture perfect. he knew first hand the meaning of the dark night of the soul and was familiar with spiritual lethargy and depression. he knew first hand the pain and disappointment of pouring his entire life into a church only to see it seemingly die as his own body became too ravaged with disease for him to continue pastoring. he knew first hand what it means to sow with tears knowing that he would not see the fruit of his labor with his own eyes in this lifetime. he did not always behave like a loving man. but he had a humble heart and freely admitted his shortcomings.
i am so proud to have been my father's daughter. i am forever changed by the love that he showed me, not just his own love for me, but also god's love even when i didn't believe it was real. on april 4th, i posted that as i was driving, i felt a small voice saying that through my father's process of dying, i would find salvation. it seems that the voice was right. somehow, in the midst of the pain of losing my father, i found myself surrounded by a grace and love and comfort that i can't explain. even when i ran far away from god, apparently it wasn't far enough, and he still held me in his arms so that when i finally collapsed, i was safe. even now, as thoroughly broken and devasted as i am, i know that i will be made whole on the other side of this life. that is not to say that i am okay. i am far from being okay. i was a crumpled writhing mess of tears and hair and snot and fists and "why?"s and "daddy!"s on the floor a few minutes ago. i am unfamiliar with grief as close to the heart as this. i miss my dad so much. reality is biting a huge chunk out of my heart, and so the blood flows. i wasn't made for losing people i love, i can see that clearly now.
i just don't understand death. it's not natural. how in a single moment one passes from being a living being to being a dead one is beyond me. i don't understand how at one moment i was looking into the eyes of my dad, and the next it was a hollow mass of cells. i watched death take over my dad's body rapidly, and for a long time, i was perplexed and troubled because i could not find my father. so i asked steve (our pastor) if my dad was with jesus at that moment, and steve assured me that he was. it was a relief to me, and a comfort, because at least for that moment, i could imagine my dad painfree in the arms of his loving saviour, and took comfort in that image. but i was still sad for myself, because now i can't see his face light up with that angelic smile of his, and i can't feel his gentle loving understanding touch, and i can't hear the delight in his voice as he calls my name. i feel like i've been robbed of my most prized possession.
months ago, when i told my dad i was leaving the church and a whole bunch of other stuff, he told me he knew i'd be okay and that he wasn't worried about me. and now, i have to believe that what he said was true, even though i don't see how i could ever be okay again. i am crushed to smithereens but somehow i have to believe that the pieces will be mended back together again in time.
the wake is monday night 6-8pm @ colonial funeral home in niles and the funeral the following morning at 10am at the same place. i don't really feel like going, but i guess i'll be there any way.
musicwise, i'm too tired to say, but it involved damien jurado, denison witmer, the ocean blue, everything but the girl, and nick drake.
posted by sarah jane rhee 21:37
posted by sarah jane rhee 03:21
 today was my dad's birthday. he has lived to be 64. it seems such an incomplete age to be ending on. we had brought cake to the hospital for him to share w/ the nurses, but we couldn't get him to stay awake, so we decided to just give it to the nurses to eat amongst themselves. the nurses however didn't give up and later in the afternoon came into his room with a tiny cake and a birthday balloon. he stayed up long enough to hear them sing happy birthday, but then was right back asleep again.
i am in the hospital watching over my dad as he sleeps. he has become even weaker than he was yesterday. he can hardly stay awake, and the pain is more frequent and more intense that his morphine dosage had to be increased. he is too weak to even push the button to self-administer the morphine, and someone has to push the button for him to receive a boost of the drug every now and then. it's really hard, because i can't stand to see my dad suffer, but the more morphine he's on, the less coherent and alert he is. as i see him go deeper and deeper into sleep, my heart sinks lower and lower, knowing that my time left with a coherent and conscious father is as fragile as the last leaves on a tree before the winter wind swoops down and steals them away.
 tomorrow we will bring my dad home to glenview. i will be moving in with my folks for the time being. the doctors are worried about how we'll manage all the machines and iv's, but my concern is getting my father home where he belongs where my whole family can be with him all the time. i just don't want him to have to be in the hospital any more, when there's nothing they can do for him here.
 i had the chance to take some pictures at the bridge on north ave where i wanted to last night but was confined to my car by the rain. today was a gorgeous day--just a tad chilly, maybe, but i didn't notice. i was so glad to actually have some time outdoors in the sunshine. now that april is over, i'm hoping that may will be a sunnier, warmer month. but i don't want to jump right into summer either, which chicago has a tendency to do. the change of seasons is always a shock to the system here in the windy city.
today's soundtrack:
blue--joni mitchell
black out--the good life
songs for the new year--simon joyner
s/t--scientific
posted by sarah jane rhee 03:21
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Thursday, May 2
posted by sarah jane rhee 02:34
 tonight, at a friend’s recommendation, i went out and bought book of my nights by li-young lee, a chicago area poet. i had read lee’s poetry before but not an entire collection. after i bought the book, i parked at the home depot on north ave & throop, planning to walk over to the bridge to take some photos of the chicago skyline. but by this time, there was a steady rain falling, so i decided to wait in my car. in the meantime, i decided to read my new book of poetry.
from the very first poem, i was overwhelmed by the beauty and power of the words and the imagery and emotions they evoked. i was in tears by the 7th poem, and by the time i got to the poem little father which is about the poet’s father’s death, i was literally sobbing, barely able to get the words out of my mouth as i read. i could relate so much to what the poet was expressing, and i was so moved to find my own emotions and experiences captured so beautifully in words by a perfect stranger.
 many of the poems were about the poet’s experiences of the night over the years from childhood on. i personally love the night as a special time when i seem able to feel more deeply than during the light of day. i have so many special memories of nights that i spent thinking and feeling and dreaming and wondering as i sat in my car looking out into the immense night sky. also, the poet’s father was a pastor, just like mine, and the family had experienced immigrating from a homeland on the other side of the earth, just like mine. the poems felt so familiar to me, like friends from my childhood whom i’d forgotten and yet still loved. i can’t really express in word how these poems made me feel, so i’m just going to end by sharing one of those poems.
Little Round by Li-Young Lee
My fool asks: Do the years spell a path to later
be remembered? Who’s there to read them back?
My death says: One bird knows the hour and suffers
to house its millstone-weight as song.
My night watchman lies down
in a room by the sea
and hears the water telling,
out of a thousand mouths,
the story behind his mother’s sleeping face.
My eternity shrugs and yawns:
Let the stars knit and fold
inside their numbered rooms. When night asks
who I am I answer, Your own, and am not lonely.
My loneliness, my sleepless darling
reminds herself
the fruit that falls increases
at the speed of the body rising to meet it.
And my child? He sleeps and sleeps.
And my mother? She divides
the rice, today’s portion from tomorrow’s,
tomorrow’s from ever after.
And my father. He faces me and rows
toward what he can’t see.
And my God.
What have I done with my God?
 today’s soundtrack:
the stability ep—death cab for cutie
mix of 23 denison witmer songs
dj—the juliana theory; speechless—the juliana theory; pictures, stars, and dreams—the juliana theory; week long embrace—the juliana theory; goodbye—emmylou harris; driving—everything but the girl; walking to you—ebtg; two star—ebtg; i love you—sarah mclachlan; born of longing—simon joyner; hold back the night—sinead o’connor; goodnight lover—songs: ohia; behind—the ocean blue; between something and nothing—the ocean blue; been down a lot lately—the ocean blue; consolation prize—the ocean blue; angel of may—damien jurado; independent—damien jurado; sarah—damien jurado; halo friendly—damien jurado; a movie script ending—death cab for cutie—coney island—dcfc; thickened light—mighty flashlight; easy—the promise ring; the state i am in—belle & sebastian; california stars—billy bragg & wilco; a case of you—joni mitchell; winning a battle, losing the war—kings of convenience; the weight of my words—kings of convenience; she broke you so softly—mojave 3; love songs on the radio—mojave 3; birds—neil young; wrecking ball—neil young; place to be—nick drake; hanging on a star—nick drake; shadows—red house painters; have you forgotten—red house painters; april after all—ron sexsmith; while you’re waiting—ron sexsmith
posted by sarah jane rhee 02:34
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Wednesday, May 1
posted by sarah jane rhee 01:56
postscript: don't know how this thing got so darn long, so i apologize to myself and anyone else who thinks they're going to read it.
 written late late late tuesday 4.30.02--so i took an inventory today of everything i’ve consumed since saturday morning, and here’s what i came up with: 1 granola bar, a veggie burger & fries, 1 rolling rock, sesame bread sticks, veggie burger, popped brown rice, dinner roll, 2 pop tarts, veggie kabob, veggie burger, animal crackers, and another veggie burger. there seems to be a theme here along the lines of the veggie burger, because that has been my one main meal every day for four days. strange, because i didn’t even plan it that way. thank god for veggie burgers. but i know i need to eat more regularly. if my dad knew what my dietary habits were these days, he’d have a fit. eating is just not that enjoyable an experience these days.
today was kind of a big day for my family in that we had to talk about some really difficult things. first, we met with steve nicholson, my dad’s pastor, to discuss the funeral ceremony. then we talked about bringing my dad home and whether to go the in-home care through the hospital route or in-home hospice care route. my mom is having a very difficult time accepting the inevitability of my dad’s death, and i’m having a hard time watching my dad suffer. when i asked my dad what he wanted, he said he was stuck in between wanting to go to be with jesus and wanting to stay as long as possible for my mom’s sake. so i called the pastor of the hyde park vineyard rand tucker who was my small group pastor years ago, and who’s been a pastoral support for my parents during this time. he helped me to realize that as much as i wanted my dad’s suffering to end, that i had to consider that my mother is not as ready as i am to let him go, and that there may be some unfinished business between my dad and mom or even amongst our family, and that although my dad is suffering, it may mean more to him at this ending point in his life to have the opportunity to give what he can to the family while he is still capable of giving love. after hearing this perspective, i’m more able to bear with my own personal agony over watching my dad suffer because now i realize how important a time this is for him in reaching closure and being a loving husband and father even in his death.
i had a long talk today with my friend clement. clem & his wife lizel have been two really really treasured friends of mine for 5 years. lizzie is one of the most genuinely compassionate and loving people i’ve ever known, and clem has been like a brother to me and we have great conversations because we both like to discuss a broad range of topics. anyways, clem said he’s been reading my blogger and noticed that i didn’t write anything about bruce. i said, yeah, i haven’t really wanted to discuss him. well, because clem brought it up, i’ve decided to explore this issue of bruce on this forum. whatever i write though should be taken with a grain of salt because i’m probably biased on the subject.
so who is this bruce. well, simply put, he’s the husband i’m currently separated from. which explains all those blogger posts about living on my own for the first time. it’s a difficult, complicated situation. bruce is a devoted christian and a good man. i’m an awful quasi-mixed-up christian who doesn’t like being associated with the church, and i sometimes refer to myself as a spoiled wretched little brat. we had a mediocre to a lousy marriage. even bruce admits that we’ve never had emotional intimacy during the whole time of our marriage. it’s not like we fought or anything. as a matter of fact, we never fought; we’re both so laid back we just let things slide. people say it would have been better if we’d fought. part of it was that bruce & i were on two different spiritual planes. he was pretty happy w/ god and spent hours studying theology, the bible, praying, and writing worship songs. i was mostly spiritually dead since marriage and felt like i’d been going through the motions for years.
 anyways, we’d been living separate lives in the same house since last summer (mostly me doing my own thing and bruce not saying anything in response), and in november, i finally told bruce i was going to leave. i know you’re not supposed to blame anyone, and i think we’re both responsible, but i have to own up to making the decision (whether conscious or not) to cut the emotional ties long ago. many of our friends were shocked and don’t understand why i don’t get us some counseling and try to work things out. to be honest with you, i don’t have the energy to do that. i know it sounds like a cop-out, and maybe it is, but i can’t even explain the psychological agony these past few years of hating the life i had. having been raised in a strong christian environment, i was pretty much programmed to view divorce as not an option. maybe if i had sought counsel when i first started feeling this way, things would’ve turned out differently. i know there are so many things we could have done differently. but we didn’t. i don’t like being a quitter, but i really don’t have the energy, will or desire to give the marriage thing another chance. that sounds so awful. i guess it is. i'm breaking vows that i didn't understand but nevertheless made at the age of 22.
on the other hand, bruce hasn’t really put up a fight or tried to change my mind or make any indication that he actually wants me to stay with him. i don’t really feel wanted by him any more. maybe it’s because i became unbearable as a wife towards the last year or so that he’s in some ways relieved. actually, i think he used those words when we were discussing my leaving some time ago.
 so this whole thing with bruce has forced me to face quite an array of issues. first, the whole girlhood dream of having a man complete my life has pretty much been shattered. which isn’t a bad thing, in my opinion. all my life since i started dating back in high school (like 14 years ago), i always thought i needed a boy to be happy, and i never learned how to be happy with myself without one. i had the odd notion that the thing to do after college was to get married, and that’s what i did. secondly, i’ve realized that the idea that being a christian makes you immune to things like divorce is a myth. being a christian doesn’t guarantee a rose garden of a life. thirdly, i’ve learned that loving someone can be hard work and you can’t neglect it. i made the mistake of ceasing to choose to love when i no longer felt love. fourthly, i have to face the fact that i’ve changed radically since i got married 7 years ago. i didn’t know who i was or what i wanted back then—i was escaping into marriage because i thought it would solve all my problems. well, it obviously didn’t, and i know now not to expect any one person or relationship to be a panacea for all my insecurities and fears.
so now that i’ve learned all this, why don’t i try to work it out? simply put, because i’m weak, i’m tired, and i just don’t want to. let’s leave it at that for now. at the advice of some clearheaded people, i’m putting off the actual legal proceedings until i’ve dealt with my dad’s death first, although my original plan was to have the divorce finalized by now. some people have asked since i was coming to terms with my faith whether that meant i would try to work things out with bruce. i wish i could say yes...no, scratch that. i don't really wish that i could say yes. it just seems like what people would want to hear. but i won't lie. i have become so apathetic to that relationship that it is very hard for me to consider reconciliation at this point. and i really feel like bruce has moved on, although he probably wouldn't admit it.
alright. i’ve said my piece on bruce. now there’s really nothing i haven’t talked about on this forum.
 anyways, these photos were taken with my new fish eye lens for my nikon coolpix. i rather like the effect. i was supposed to have this lens yesterday for the pedro/damien show but the wolf camera guy put the wrong lens in the box, and i had a normal wide-angle lens instead of the fish eye. that’s too bad—it would have been interesting to see the results from those concert photos w/ this lens. oh, and that stuffed fish is my roommate Blue, who i sleep with for warmth
today’s soundtrack?
yesterday, tomorrow—denison witmer
breathe in this life—denison
reaching—denison
healing time—denison
everybody knows—denison
from location is everything vol.1—jade tree various artists (lukewarm—new end original; kicking the lights—girls against boys; gunner—denali; high uinta high—cub country; shrink to fit—milemarker; ballet skool—mighty flashlight; emergency! emergency!—the promise ring; smile—onelinedrawing)
medication—damien jurado
johnny go riding--damien
tonight i will retire--damien
ghost of david--damien
paperwings--damien & gathered in song
slow and steady wins the race--pedro the lion
like a radio--over the rhine
poughkeepsie--over the rhine
latter days--over the rhine
time has told me--nick drake
saturday sun--nick drake
posted by sarah jane rhee 01:56
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Tuesday, April 30
posted by sarah jane rhee 03:27
 a strange thing happended on the way to the front of the stage at the pedro the lion concert. as i was weasling my way through the crowd to position myself for photos, some guy stopped me because he recognized me from this website. turns out one of his coworkers is the guitar player for one of the bands i photoed and that's how he saw my site. like what are the chances that i'd bump into him at a ptl concert? well, whatever the chances were, that's what happened. not only that, i used to go to church with his sister, and had even met him on an occassion. this world is a strange small place sometimes.
so yeah, pedro the lion--david bazan & crew totally rocked. his latest album is kind of in the vein of the last one (winners never quit), a bit harder with definitely more biting lyrics than previous albums/eps. it's really challenging to listen to. someone in the crowd asked him if he was a christian. i found his answer interesting. he said he believes everything the bible says about jesus, but he doesn't like to identify himself with christianity. he didn't go into details, but from what i know of the interviews he's given, i think he means that he doesn't want to identify with a system that has in many respects earned itself a bad name through its elitism, judgmentalism, lack of mercy, and legalism. i can relate to that, although i probably don't agree with everything david may say on the topic. i don't expect to find the perfect church, and it's not just w/ a specific church that i have issues. it's more the church at large. it really bothers me that so many people who are not christians associate christians w/ narrowminded right wing american dream chasers. and i don't think they're always inaccurate in their stereotypes. i am discouraged at how clueless and disconnected so many christians are from the real world, myself included even though i'm still only on the outskirts of the Church. okay, i know i need to respect individual choices, and i guess that means even the choice to shelter oneself from the rest of the world by becoming submerged in a culture of, by and for christians--christian music, christian books, chrisitian radio, christian tv, christian friends. i'll try to respect that choice, but i don't get it. and to be honest, i don't respect it. let's just leave it at that.
 anyways, damien jurado opened up for pedro. i've really been digging damien's stuff lately. he's so versatile as a songwriter and musician. i enjoy his softer more acoustic songs as well as his edgier more electric stuff. tonight's concert was mostly of songs from i break chairs, known by some as damien's "loud" album. i suppose "loud" is a relative term...
 the first act to open up was tw walsh (i don't know why i'm going in reverse order--it just came out that way), the only cleanshaven frontman of the 3 acts. i hadn't heard too much of him before. he's kinda new. he reminds me of old pedro songs (circa it's hard to find a friend) being sung by a mix of jason molina (of songs:ohia) and simon joyner. i don't think he has that many songs recorded yet, so we'll see how he progresses w/ time.
well, that's enough about concert stuff. i don't know when my next show will be. depends on my dad of course. besides, i'm sure i'll tire of this 2 shows/week schedule. i'm not as young as i used to be (and i really sensed that looking around me at the concert tonight. my cousin kris & i figured we were probably the 3rd & 4th oldest people there, and i just keep getting older for some reason. next month is when i hit that dreaded milestone birthday that i have been putting off for the past 30 years. crimeny. that looks like such a large number. they're so...round and big looking. i just hope i get to see mark eitzel my last night in my 20's.
today's soundtrack:
you know, the usual. and actually a bunch of worship music because it calms and comforts my dad, and i guess at this point i'd sit through just about anything if it'll provide any type of relief for him.
posted by sarah jane rhee 03:27
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Monday, April 29
posted by sarah jane rhee 00:55
 during the past few days, i've seen a lot of people visit my dad at the hospital, and i realized how much of an impact my dad has had on people's lives. i'm overwhelmed at the outpouring of affection and concern by those who have visited, many with tears streaming down their faces unable to believe that this may be the last they see of my father while he is alive. and although my father's body is being eaten from the inside by cancer, the doctors have expressed surprise at how alert and intact his mental faculties are. yes, he often says things that don't make sense entirely, but i've been amazed at how he receives these grieving guests and imparts words of comfort and that smile of his that can only be described as purely angelic. and i'm deeply comforted by the numerous lives who have been touched by my father's love and compassion over the years. i know that whenever i see or hear from these people, i will sense the gentle imprint of my father's heart in their lives.
 i don't think my dad has much time left at all. maybe a little over a week at the most. his respiration has become irregular, and he declared himself DNR this morning. that means as soon as one of his vitals goes, it's pretty much over. my mother started sleeping over at the hospital tonight. i'm going to take the day off of work tomorrow to let her go home and get some rest while i stay with my dad. it's been hard watching him being as helpless as a person can be. when he sleeps, and his breathing becomes so infrequent, it seems like an eternity between each inhale, and i find myself holding my own breath in anticipation of his next.
 i am holding my heart with both hands, trying to keep it in one piece, even though it's cracked in a million places like a wall of old plaster. tomorrow i will be seeing pedro the lion and damien jurado, both of whose songs have really meant a lot to me during this time. i just hope i can keep myself together during the concert. i mean, it's one thing to cry at church during worship, but breaking down at a show at the metro--ok, i guess it could happen. although i'm not going to as many concerts as i planned, i'm still trying to catch shows here and there because live music seems to be the only relief i can get from the constant emotional distress and my already begun grieving process. i almost didn't go to see over the rhine saturday night though, because i stayed late at the hospital, and it was raining, and i was quite discouraged. but at the last minute i went and got there an hour late, but in time for OTR. i'm glad i went. it seems that when i see live music, i somehow am rejuvenated so that even though my problems don't go away after the band has played the final encore, i've gotten back on my feet so that i can plod along yet again. if it weren't for the shows i've been seeing, i would be no good as a support to my dad or my mom right now. yeah, it's an escape mechanism, but let me tell ya, that's exactly what i want at the end of every night, a way to escape the emotional mess i'm in. call me weak. call me a coward. i am what i am, and i'll take my live music twice a week so that i can face the morning without falling to pieces.
today's soundtrack:
ghost of david - damien jurado
it's hard to find a friend - pedro the lion
the only reason i feel secure - pedro the lion
mp3s:
little blue river/in the garden - over the rhine
latter days - over the rhine
come let us return - kevin prosch
will you find me - american music club
waiting for the moon to rise - belle & sebastian
at my window sad and lonely - billy bragg & wilco
i didn't understand - elliott smith
where will i be - emmylou harris
the heart remains a child - everything but the girl
winning a battle, losing the war - kings of convenience
singing softly to me - kings of convenience
save me - aimee mann
posted by sarah jane rhee 00:55
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