all we need is love...right?

...today i was having a conversation w/ connolly about unconditional love. i have this theory. my theory is that showing someone unconditional love has the power to move them and change them. i don't think it's easy to love other people unconditionally. i don't think it's even easy to love other people conditionally sometimes. but for some reason, there are a few people in my life who i believe i'm supposed to pour out unconditional love to. i know that i run the risk of being trampled on...unconditional love takes that risk though...and i'm convinced in the end, it'll be worth it somehow. i know that my own life has been impacted and changed by unconditional love...

today i went to the cemetary for the first time in 6 months to see my dad's gravesite...i was alone...it was a bit much for me...i don't like cemetaries...

so i seriously can't remember the last time i went to church...oh wait, it was in october when i went up to evanston to meet up w/ my bro...but besides that i have been dodging the church bullet pretty skillfully for the most part these past couple of months. especially after all the shit that happened last month--one of my best friends' 26 year old cousin dying a month before his wedding, my grandma dying, 2 of my cats dying, the 6 month anniversary of my dad dying...it's been death death death and it's left me raw and numb at the same time.

i stole my dad's wedding band from my mom's jewelry box while she was in korea and i've been wearing it on a chain around my neck...i'll give it back to her if she wants it, but it was just kinda sitting there ya know, and i needed something to carry around w/ me...i have had some of the most painful moments of missing my dad these past few weeks...i still don't understand how it is that he's not around any more. 63 is an age for going on cruises and golf trips. 63 is an age for nagging your kids for grandchildren. 63 is an age for taking up gardening. 63 is not an age for dying...and yet i know that there is a direct correlation between how much my dad loved me and how much i miss him now and that i was lucky to have had the experience of a father's unconditional and unwavering and unabashed love...

thanksgiving is coming up this week...and as much as i am looking forward to the time off of work, i fear the emptiness of my first family holiday without my dad. and yet i know i'm lucky to at least have family that i can spend thanksgiving with...there are plenty of folks who have nobody...and even though i may feel like i have nobody sometimes, i know that's not true...i have to be thankful for the friends and family i do have...even though no one will make up for the loss of my dad, there's still plenty in my life for me to be thankful for. i have to remember that, or else i'll just become a bitter pill...i'm trying not to harden my heart, but it's difficult when it gets broken again and again...i really can't remember another year during which my heart was broken so many times...

and the whole God thing...i'm still trying to figure that one out...i feel like i've got all the pieces of the puzzle in front of me, but the pattern is so impressionistic a la monet that i can't make out what goes where and in what direction...my eyes are kinda buggin' out from staring at the pieces for so long...so i'm taking a break from trying to make the pieces fit...but i'm gonna keep at it...some questions are worth seeking the answer to even if you never get the full answer this side of reality.

today i listened to zapruder point, the cure, owen, alpha stone, bailter space and sonic boom. zapruder point really needs to play some shows. and i think disintegration by the cure is one the most beautiful albums EVER. i can listen to that album over and over and over again...and the song 'don't go' by sonic boom just makes me want to bury my head in a pillow and sob...but in a good way.

uhm, okay...it's snowing...i don't know where my gloves are...i'm staying home cuz i'm a snow wus...and i'm getting very drowsy all of a sudden...

this one's for caleb...

...this is a picture of a blue marble i found while helping pete & amy move yesterday. this picture is for caleb because it represents to me all the serendipitous rock 'n' roll moments and other moments of beauty that i experience here in this great city that i relate to him faithfully so that he'll miss chicago and hurry up and move back so that i'll have some one cool to go to shows with, someone low maintenance who knows tons more about music than i do, esp. with pete & amy becoming parents and all.

there was something special about finding this marble...i don't really know why. maybe because it's blue...maybe because it was calling my name...who knows...

re: redheaded poor old lu fans

...yeah, it was great seeing denison last night. while we were sitting in schuba's restaurant, i pointed out the painting of st. cecilia on the wall to him since he has a song called st. cecilia--ode to music on his philadelphia songs album. i had taken a photo of that painting back in september when ryan and jesse were here, and i'd meant to send it to denison, but i forgot. or i was too lazy. whichever. anyways, deni tells me that he actually wrote that song right while he was sitting at that restaurant. that was pretty cool to hear.

i really wanted to go up to madison tonight to see denison play again, and also to hear mike kinsella. i really like his songs, and i love the way he plays the guitar. it's so beautiful. and guess what? he's a drummer too!!! i just love drummers who are also singer-songwriters. like andy myers. like jesse sprinkle. that's why i wear a ringo button. for all the drummers i love.

so i saw chris langill (the dude who used to book the garden lounge where i had my first taste of indie rock) @ denison's show. he was there w/ his friend jim. he's like 'i won tickets off of WLUW!' (that's the loyola university radio station which is the only radio station worth anything in this town...i think i've said that before...). i thought that was funny cuz i had won tickets from WLUW on wednesday for the matt sharp (formerly of weezer/the rentals) show @ schubas on sunday night. i couldn't believe i was the first caller. luckily, i'd called a few minutes previously to make a request, so all i had to do was hit redial when the dj announced the contest. but still, it's just so weird that chris & i would win tickets within days of each other. i plan on calling in for tickets once a month for shows (you can only win a contest once every 30 days...i plan on winning that often). thank goodness for WLUW. they saved my life the other night when i was in my mom's car, and i didn't have my cd player, and i was forced to listen to the radio...i was listening to 94.7 the zone and i was ready to kill somebody or myself because it was so awful (although i did find out what bar in chicago has a mechanical bull...something my friend connie and i have been wanting to try out for months...). i was still out in the burbs driving home from work, and i didn't think i could get a signal for WLUW, but i thought i'd try any ways. listening to static would've been more pleasant than listening to the other radio stations. so i put on 88.7 fm, and what do i hear but death cab for cutie's president of what? the version off their just released album. i nearly cried from joy and relief.

...so wednesday night i went to see my friend ken's band downcast play @ wise fools pub. pete & amy were there so that was cool to hang out w/ them. ken wanted me to take photos, and to be quite honest w/ you, i'd taken so many photos last week, i was photoed out, and wasn't really in the mood. but lucky for ken, he wore his poor old lu t-shirt for the show, and that motivated me to take photos.

...it's funny cuz ryan wore two other poor old lu tshirts at two of the serene shows last week. so that's two redheaded poor old lu fans who are frontmen of their own bands wearing poor old lu tshirts at their shows in a span of like a week. weird.

...i worked until like 7:30 tonight...oh well...i gotta make up for all the goofing off i did last week in seattle i suppose. i still miss seattle so much...today the sky at sunset reminded me of that afternoon sky last saturday when i was hanging out w/ jesse, and we just gazed up at the speeding clouds above us that looked a fluffy white cotton candy army on the move. i love the sky when it's displaying a spectacular pattern of clouds.

being there with denison

alright...i admit i'm lazy so today's post is from an email i sent to caleb...sorry caleb if you're reading this twice...

...so yesterday i went to see denison in concert at schubas. i was starving so after his set we went to eat next door. as i'm sitting there, i hear the strains of outtasite outta mind playing over the stereo, and i'm happy to hear that song...a few minutes later, when i hear red-eyed and blue, i realize that someone's playing the entire being there cd, and i was totally psyched. and then the waitress i got was the same one we had the night i ate there w/ greg glover & ryan & jesse, and we totally loved her (jesse gave her many cds), so that was cool. i was starving so she brought out my veggie chilli like right away. cool. the chili was YUMMY...awesome.

...so deni's sitting next to me eating out of my bowl, and we're talking about how much we love being there (the album). i didn't know deni liked wilco, so i was excited, and although i couldn't decide between summerteeth and being there for my favourite album, we were totally on the same wavelength cuz i do SOOOO love being there...i'm singing along to all the songs, and i tell deni how sunken treasure always makes me cry...the line "i am so out of tune w/ you..." just says so much, and he's like "yeah, i know what you mean...." and then sunken treasure starts playing!!! and i'm like, holy cow, they're playing disc 2 now!!! and denison tells me the guy who's doing sound that night does sound for wilco, and that's probably how we were getting to hear the entire being there cds straight through that night.

...i was so happy...i didn't want to get out of my seat. i missed the entire rabbit rabbit show and part of owen (mike kinsella of american football, cap'n jazz, joan of arc, owls) which i regretted because his songs are beautiful.

but being there (really being there) w/ denison and being excited about the same album, sharing yummy chili, and just chilling to jeff tweedy's voice was totally a blissful experience, and it would have been so cool if you'd been there. although you wouldn't have eaten the veggie chili. they have great food there.

don't you just love those spontaneous little unexpected gifts of beautiful moments in which you couldn't have planned it better yourself? and being surprised by them is so much better.

end transmission.

been listening to--
you can play these songs w/ chords--death cab for cutie
the photo album--death cab for cutie
s/t--all-time quarterback
souvlaki--slowdive
just for a day--slowdive
wish--the cure
disintegration--the cure
memories of love--future bible heroes
get lost--magnetic fields
loveless--my bloody valentine
ask me tomorrow-mojave 3
no good for no one now--owen (mike kinsella)
start here--the gloria record
philadelphia songs--denison witmer
denison mix--denison witmer
s/t--the ocean blue
cerulean--the ocean blue
davey jones' locker--the ocean blue
see...--the ocean blue
roobrik--the world inside (jesse sprinkle)
untitled split ep--the world inside & 7 head division
sunsites--jesse sprinkle
s/t--serene
s/t--holiday runner
s/t--hidari mae
when we were small--rosie thomas
wreckingball--emmylou harris
revival--gillian welch
quiet is the new loud--kings of convenience
harmacy--sebadoh

back in chi-town...longing for seattle...

...uhm yeah. i'm back in town. but i'm busy as hell. and not motivated to do anything about it. here's what i'd rather be doing...drink john's vodka lemonade @ flowers w/ jesse & ryan & megan...be a barfly with the regulars for an afternoon @ the knarr...

...watch serene pretend to be a eurodance outfit...watch laurel and matt dance dirty @ the shoboat...witness erik do his O-face while playing the bass...come under the spell of jesse's drumming...sing along to ryan as he plays beggars of the sea...stand by like a school girl as chris simpson of the gloria record chats w/ ryan or jesse...

...watch an underaged kid stand in the rain moved to tears as he sees and hears the gloria record live for the first time from outside the bar...have greg of hidari mae tell me what my first tattoo should be (pink duck on my forehead)...joke with denison about nintendo boy... swing in ryan's backyard waiting for the somber redheaded giant to awaken from his slumber...

...hear andy sing dissension live...hear the gloria record perform tracks 1-6 of start here live...sit with ryan at a sports bar/casino in federal way talking about relationships while security guards take care of a "situation" behind us...stay up til 6am w/ jesse & ryan watching a movie after driving all night from portland...fall off the top bunk in ryan's sister's room cuz i can't find the frickin' ladder while still groggy with sleep...wait, scratch that one...that really hurt...

...listen to deni play my song for me and megan... shoot photos of a very goofy serene outside the shoboat in tacoma...drive behind jesse's demon hunter soccer mom minivan...gaze up at a spectacular late afternoon sky outside johnny rockets with jesse...take photos of mirabelle making goofy little girl faces...

...i don't know when i'll be in seattle again...i didn't get to see ian but i'll see him december 6th @ schubas...jesse said he hopes to find some excuse to come out to chicago...i wish they'd do a midwest tour this winter...i miss long talks with ryan and long hugs from jesse...

the show last night in portland was really good. the turnout was great, esp. for a wednesday night. i went out on a cigarette run right before the show, and when i came back, i was outside the bar and realized that serene were already playing. there were a couple people hanging out by the window, where you had a full view of the stage, and the sound was pretty good. i stood there and took some pictures for awhile. i overheard one of the guys telling another person that that was the gloria record playing. i laughed to myself when i heard that, and i told him that it was actually a band from seattle called serene. the folks standing outside were really digging it. some dude who was waiting for a bus said he heard the music and walked over because it sounded so good. the kid who thought they were the gloria record turned out to be too young to get in. i think that's so sad that so many of the good shows are 21+. like what are you supposed to do for good music? i sympathized w/ him...he was a TGR fan, but didn't know what they looked like, which is why he thought serene were TGR. he was a really sweet kid, and i could tell he loved music because he was standing outside where it was cold and raining...i told him that the gloria record would be awesome and that he should wait for them to play...it's funny now how i see folks at shows and sometimes see myself in them...there was something about this kid standing outside the window of the venue that was so beautifully pure, it really touched my heart...i went outside for a bit when the gloria record played their set to see if the boy was still there and to shoot some window shots...he was...and he was in tears...i can't even tell you how that moved me...partially because i love the gloria record so much, and also just to see someone be so moved by music...

the drive back home from portland was hard...matt, laurel, jesse & i had to squeeze in the back of the van because we were giving ryan's friend jenny a ride back from portland up to seattle. it was great that she drove back w/ us cuz we were all fried and tired, but she was all wired and kept ryan awake the whole drive by talking to him. matt, laurel & i were sick & cold in the back, and jesse had a sore neck from drumming. i felt so awful for matt cuz he had to work at like 8 in the morning...(i wonder if he went in...he was so sick...) we got into auburn to ryan's house around 4am. erik took all the seattle folks in his car, and jesse stayed over w/ me and ryan. we stayed up another couple hours watching a movie, and so i didn't get to sleep until 6am. jesse woke me up around 8:30 cuz he couldn't sleep, so we talked a bit...it was really good to spend time with him, as he's someone i absolutely love dearly. he drove back home to kirkland a little bit after that, and so now i'm home w/ ryan the sleeping giant. he's not going to be up for another 6 hours, i can guarantee you that, so i think i'll go back to sleep for awhile and then get up and do something.

i think jesse & i are going to go to vashon island to see ian moore tomorrow. i'm excited! jesse grew up on vashon, so it'll be cool seeing the island with him.

no shows tonight...megan gets in around 9pm...we're going straight to the hidari mae practice to see andy and eric (of damien's gathered in song).

naptime...

ryan has finally woken up. thank goodness...

live from seattle...it's me!

got in last night around 7:30 pm...that flight was way too long...hopped in a rental and drove up to the city to the crocodile to see serene open up for the gloria record. as soon as i hit the city, it started raining in torrents. i made it to the club though, and it was so awesome seeing the boys again. and i got to meet matt's wife laurel who is totally cool. serene were awesome live. i never knew ryan could play guitar so well. i mean i kinda knew cuz he played on the album, but he would never really play my guitar except for a few chords here and there. he's such a liar. he told me he only knew like 4 chords. i love serene's songs...ryan's got some talent there that boy does.

i had a nice surprise when i went out into the bar after the serene set. eric fisher and andy myers (of hidari mae and damien jurado's gathered in song) were sitting in a booth waiting for me to come out of the show. it was so good to see them!!!! i just wished megan had been with me. we sat and caught up until the gloria record started their set. i'm so excited that i'll get to see hidari mae play when denison plays friday. AND jesse sprinkle from serene is drumming for robert deeble at that same show, so we're all going to be together!! andy myers is probably one of the sweetest people i've ever met. he made me and megan feel so at home the last time we saw him @ the bowling alley gala for rosie thomas & eric's going away to europe thing. andy is also an amazing drummer. i mean, i only got to see him on the big screen @ bumbershoot cuz i couldn't actually get into the damien show, but i hear he's pretty awesome. he's also a great songwriter. i was so impressed w/ hidari mae. i couldn't believe andy wrote all the lyrics. i'm heavy into the lyrics you know...

well, ryan's asleep and doesn't want to be awakened until 1pm, so i'm just hanging out...it's beautiful out now. hard to believe it's gonna rain all week. maybe i could get the forecast changed...hmm...

i just wish caleb were here because i feel so guilty i get to see the gloria record for the THIRD time tonight in portland. he's the one who told me about TGR to start with...this is gonna be such a rock 'n' roll week, and caleb is my rock 'n' roll kimosabe. he so deserves to be here. i love sharing rock 'n' roll moments w/ caleb.

hmm...maybe i'll wake ryan up early...

ah...codeine...

...note: if you have a severe chest cold w/ a hacking cough, it's probably not a good idea to belt out good morning providence @ the top of your lungs on the way to work...my bronchials are never going to be the same...on the other hand, what choice do you have when good morning providence is playing through your speakers but to sing it as loud as you possibly can? i don't know what else to do in that situation.

...well, the good news is that i called my doctor and had a coughing fit over the phone with him, which was pretty convincing because he readily prescribed me that cough syrup i wanted, the one w/ codeine in it. people at work have told me they can hear me hacking even w/ my office door closed from down the hall. i have a post-it on my door that reads "enter @ your own risk." people have left me alone for the most part.

more good news...that huge project @ work has been postponed, so i don't have to worry about working crazy hours before leaving for seattle. i'll suffer for it when i return to reality next monday.

i'm still thinking about last night's drumming performance by the appleseed cast drummer...reminded me of when i first saw glenn of wilco drum when i saw the wilco movie. man, i frickin' love an inspiring drum performance...

...at this moment, i am a happy camper..."i was born in omaha" is tickling my ears...my tummy is full of good mexican food...i have a prescription of codeine laced cough syrup waiting for me at my local osco drug...i found a cheap pair of rocket dog shoes at the DSW...memories of sebadoh's "willing to wait" play in my head...i have to stop @ reckless tonight to exchange the "live from battle in seattle" cd for my "pornography" cd...i am going to be in seattle in like 30 hours...i will see the gloria record perform twice this week...i will see serene perform three times...i will see hidari mae for the first time...i will see deni play for the millionth time...i get to see ryan & jesse & matt & erik & ian!!!! i so need to spend time w/ ian...meg & i both...there's something comforting about his company for us...

i think i'll put on some idlewild...i wanna hear some american english...

ok. you know what i hate? i hate when i get all excited about my weekend's purchase @ reckless and sit down for a listen and wonder to myself what the heck am i doing with the 'live from the battle in seattle' the no wto combo cd and where the heck is my pornography by the cure??!! the way reckless records organizes their music behind the scenes is with this numbering system. so you give the dude or dudette at the counter your little card that says what album you want them to fetch for you, and they look it up by the number on the card which leads them to the hiding place on the shelf for the desired item, and they take the item, insert the front sleeve liner notes that accompany the little card if it's a cd, slap on the matching sticker w/ the id of the item onto the card, and give you the card back when you check out & pay. well, stupid me, i wasn't paying attention, and as it turns out, pornography was code # 44-0252, and this album i ended up going home w/ was #45-0252. an honest mistake, i suppose, but c'mon--i mean, the girl put the pornaography liner notes into the cd case of this anti-wto compilation...at some point, there should have been a light bulb going on in her head that there was something wrong with this picture. alas, no such display of assertive intelligence here...i don't wanna jump to any conclusions...i'm sure she is a bright individual...i just find it hard to believe that you can mix up the cure's pornography w/ a no-name comp cd and call yourself a qualified record store clerk...ok, maybe i'm just sore because i wanna hear the cd...and i'm pissed i have to go back to reckless to rectify the matter, and that's just one more thing on my list of a zillion things that i have to do before leaving for seattle, which includes securing my place in my current job by finishing up that huge project that is in dire need of my attention right now so that i have something to pay the bills when i come back home. next time, i will make sure i LOOK at what the clerk brings back to me so i know it's actually what i'm paying for.

speaking of used cds, i found out there's a used record store across the street from piper's alley on north ave. i went to see my friend nicole sillin's sketches produced at the 2nd city training center on saturday, and i had some time to kill, and so i stepped outside pipers alley, looked across the street and lo and behold there was a record store with the word SALE in bold on the window. there are some people in this world who live by the principle 'if you pass a fish & chips shop, you must go in and have some fish & chips' and there are those people in this world who live by the principle 'if you see a used record store with the word SALE in bold in the window, you must go in.' i fall into the latter category of humankind. it was a great deal--$1 off every used cd, and most of the used cds were $6.99, which is a great price to start with. granted, i didn't find too many used cds that i wanted to actually take home with me, but i did find a cd by sebadoh called harmacy. sebadoh is just one of those bands that i've been hearing for a long time that i need to listen to, and i just never got around to it. until today. holy schmole, some of those songs on that album made me want to break down and cry...songs like willing to wait...too pure...and some just totally rocked like crystal gypsy...i can't wait to get my hands on some other albums. i also got this cd of music from india for $3 that's frickin' beautiful...well, at least the first song is. i'm listening to it as i type and i've only heard the first song. it's kinda weird. like mixing ravi shankar with enya or something. eeyew...ok. whatever.

i saw the appleseed cast tonight @ the fireside bowl. local boys chin-up chin-up opened for them. these guys i saw open up for watchers when watchers opened for duvall back in august. that was at the empty bottle, and i don't know if i just wasn't paying attention back then or what, but they sounded so much tighter tonight than they did that night. i was really impressed. and if i'd had more than $5 in cash w/ me, i would've bought their cd. the dude offered it to me for $5, but i told him i needed an appleseedcast sticker and button. i'll catch them again soon, i'm sure. actually, i see their bass player at a lot of shows. he was at the watchers show in sept. @ the empty bottle. he seems to really like watchers. which he totally should because watchers are frickin' awesome.

tonight i saw jesus at the fireside bowl. he was wearing a wool v-neck pullover and khaki pants and sneakers. if you think i'm nuts, you should go hang out @ the fireside sometime, and i'll bet you you'll see jesus too if you're looking for the right jesus....apparently the dude's a fan of the appleseed cast. i stood next to him for the entirety of the show. he seemed rather quiet and introspective tonight. he's not as tall in person as i'd imagined...

ok. the drummer for the appleseed cast is frickin' NUTS!!! this was only the 2nd time that i feared a musician in a band i was watching would collapse from heart failure. i basically stared at him for the whole show. partially cuz where i was standing, i couldn't really see any of the other musicians except the drums (which is rare--the drums are usually what i CAN'T see...), but also cuz i was having a good time watching the dude go nuts on his instrument. and he's a mouthmover too. which is always interesting to watch.

yeah, the appleseed cast were pretty awesome. i had never heard their music before tonight. i went cuz i know if i didn't and ryan found out, i'd be ridiculed. so i don't like being ridiculed by ryan...sue me...i did buy an appleseed cast button for ryan which i'll give him tuesday night when i make it in to seattle...hope that makes him happy cuz he's rather hard to please...picky about beer...food...music...the speed at which i drive on the kennedy...picky, picky, picky...anyways, the appleseed cast...they weren't as quiet as i'd imagined they would be, but they were good nonetheless. i love bands that totally rock out, and these guys definitely did. they were LOUD. in a good way. i mean, that drummer...he really works hard for his food...but when they do play the gentler, more melodic stuff, it's totally gorgeous.

i also ran into chicago's resident indie rock bootleggin' king a.k.a. butta. i first saw him at denison's booth @ c-stone, and i saw him taping pedro & roadside monument @ the abbey back in july, and i talked to him for the first time @ deni's show @ the double door a couple months ago. turns out he went to see sigur ros AND came to see appleseed cast. my friend pete blew me off for tonight's show to see sigur ros, so i'm gonna have to tell pete that he could've done BOTH. oh well. the AC will be back in chicago soon i'm sure. i wanted to see SR too, but i didn't wanna pay no $20, which i suppose isn't that expensive, but i already paid $13 for future bible heroes on wednesday and $10 for the gloria record on thursday and $10 for superdrag on saturday and now $8 for appleseed cast sunday. that stuff adds up, ya know? and i have cds to buy...

anyways, i didn't take any pictures tonight...something about the fireside bowl...i can't take photos there...i don't know why...i think it's cuz i normally am more interested in the audience than in the bands themselves...the fireside is an all ages club, so you see all ages there, but mostly the younger ones...and i just get a kick out of seeing some of these kids...they're so earnest...so lovely...i saw a girl taking photos today who was hesitant and polite and unable to get a good angle, and i so totally sympathized w/ her that i directed her to cut in front of me and jesus so she could get better shots of the band. i remember when i was just starting out and i was too scared to push my way to the front...i'm not rude about it...i usually move stealthily close to the ground, and people don't even notice that a body has moved past them. you can ALWAYS fit one more body in front of the stage, and that would be ME. so since i didn't take any photos tonight, i'm gonna post my photos from superdrag on sat. night.

so i went to see my friend nicole's show @ 2nd city on saturday night, which was totally awesome, and her sketches were totally bitchin, and i had photo clearance for the superdrag show right after that @ 9pm @ the metro, and i didn't make it out there until 11pm, and i drive around for frickin' 30 minutes and i finally give up and pay for parking (i HATE paying for parking...) and i make it just as the last opening band has left the stage, which is perfect cuz i only wanted to see superdrag. now for some reason, the last couple concerts i've gone to at the metro, there was no photo pit. that's the area in front of the stage that's gated off where the folks w/ the photo clearance hang out. and take photos. i don't know if this is a permanent change to the metro's stage/pit/GA areas, but it puts me in a pickle when i'm that late to a show and haven't gotten position. luckily, the security guard manning the right side of the stage was nice and let me sit on the big staircase that goes up to the stage that he was sitting on. i sat there for the whole show. it was so crowded, it really didn't make any sense for me to try getting other angles.

anyways, superdrag rocked the house. they play some lovely tunes there, those boys do. john davis has got to be the sweetest frontman i've ever seen except for maybe brian mcsweeney of matthew. he kinda reminds me of derek becker, serene's booking agent, but not quite as goodlooking. mic harris the guitar player on the other hand is a bad ass mofo, and totally fun to see playing live. he was like RIGHT THERE in front of my face, pretty much. i was almost at stagelevel most of the time, and i was pretty close to where mic was standing the whole time. it was loud. yeah, baby...it was AWESOME...

ok. i know i totally missed talking about wed. nite's show w/ the future bible heroes which includes my current music hero stephin merritt of the magnetic fields (and claudia gonson also of the MF). well, i'm too lazy to post photos, but suffice it to say that neither stephin nor claudia disappointed that night. i could just listen to either of their voices and weep happily for hours. claudia is also actually a lot of fun on stage. the other third of FBH, chris ewen, is a rather gentlish trollish (not in a bad way--i'm talking about them troll dolls) fellow who plays some lovely keys. and stephin...ahhhh....yes...that voice...that depressingly beautiful baritone...i watched a lovely asian girl in the front row openly shed tears as she soaked in the beauty of the songs that stephin wrote and performed...i mean, this girl was REALLY REALLY crying...i was kinda touched by that...i try not to cry at shows because it's too much of a hassle. although i do remember crying recently at a show...i just don't remember which one...but it was barely noticeable, and more like moist eyes and a huge frog in the throat, not openly shedding tears, ya know. that's hardcore emo. oh, you know, i think it was at the damien jurado show that i cried. when he did the song medication off of ghost of david...that song always gets to me...it's so beautiful melodically and so sad lyrically...great combo, eh...

well, i didn't wake up for church sunday, but i told pete & amy i won't be coming for awhile anyways. megan woke me up around noon, and we talked for awhile, and then i got my ass outta bed, showered, and drove up to see her in the burbs. i took her to flatlanders, which is where ryan, jesse, and jesse's friends from that band in aurora (something w/ the word space or cosmos or something in it?) and i ate dinner w/ greg glover, the lost dogs & tim white. that was an interesting night. anyways, meg & i ate & talked for like a couple hours. we hadn't seen each other since that weekend when ryan & jesse were out here, which was like 6 weeks ago. that's the longest we've gone without hanging out since we've met. after lunch, we went to maggie moo's for ice cream which was totally yummy. megan goes back to school tomorrow, but we get to hang out in seattle when she meets up w/ me in the pacific nw on thursday night!!! i can't wait! AGH!!!! i can't believe i'm going to seattle in like less than 48 hours...i'm so not prepared...i don't know if i mathematically have enough time in the day to do what i gotta do...well, i guess i'm just going to have to uphold my tradition of not sleeping before flying...

alright...i'm ending this one now...

p.s. the misc. photos in this post are from my new york trip.

oh how i love chi-town

alrighty...so friday i actually did end up staying home from work because i felt so frickin' miserable from my cold...i seriously thought i had like bronchitis or pneumonia or something. i went to the doctor that afternoon, but of course he wouldn't prescribe anything for me until he was sure it wasn't something viral. i wasn't really expecting antibiotics as i'm personally opposed to over-antibioticizing myself, but i have to admit i was hoping he'd give me a prescription for that cough medicine with codeine. so i could sleep, ya know...no such luck. gave me a bunch of sample allegra-d's which i didn't need because i had just refilled my prescription, but i took them anyway. i pretty much took it easy on friday...skipped the matt pond pa show...no biggie for me...i was much more interested in being healthy enough to go see superdrag on saturday.

...so i did get to do a photoshoot this weekend downtown, and i have to say that i really like doing urban photography. i mean, i love the whole national park out in nature forest preserve thing, and there's a side of me that totally resonates w/ that stuff, but there's this whole other side of me that loves the landscape of a big city. i was telling my friend caleb when i was shooting photos in manhattan with him that i love seeing the beauty in things that most people would consider ugly. take for example this subway sign to the left. there was just something about this sign, that it gets to be in the same landscape as the picasso sculpture and the first united methodist church and the daley center, that fascinated me. and i love that color blue...

...i love living in chicago...i love the neighbourhoods, especially the nongentrified ones that still have 4 generations living there, a century of history coexisting in a subculture unique to the surrounding 64 square blocks or so...that's the chicago flag to the right for y'all who don't live in the windy city...that's the first united methodist church downtown right behind it...i took that photo for my friend caleb who i will always consider chicagoan at heart even though he's in connecticut right now. here's a bit of info that maybe three of you out there will be interested in, but there is a meaning behind the 4 red stars, each point in each star, and the 3 white stripes and the 2 blue stripes on that flag. if you want to know what it all means, go check out this site. i just really like that blue on the flag, no?

...so when i was by the daley center, i noticed that there were all these cops around with their bicycles. i didn't know what was going on, but they were just standing there with their bikes lined up. i swear i thought they were having a bike sale or something. so i asked one of them what was up, and he said they were expecting some protestors later on, and so they were there to keep the peace.

...and then i noticed that there were also a bunch of cook county officers (the daley center is technically a cook county building--they've got like a county court there and stuff). these guys were dressed up in gear, with helmets and stuff tied to their legs and i heard a bunch of k-9 units in the vicinity. i didn't see anyone gathered to protest yet, so i figured it was too early in the day. i went about my business and then came back about an hour later, and i noticed some folks gathered beneath the picasso (y'all who don't know what i mean by picasso, it's that behemoth of a sculpture that folks think looks like a bird or a plane or superman. refer to the photo of the subway sign above and you'll see the picasso on the right side of the photo.). they looked like folks gathered for lunch or something. nothing too heavy going on.

...so i walked on by them to get a closer look because by this time that place was surrounded by not only the cops but by media paraphernalia as well. when i got to the middle of the plaza near the picasso, i could see that yes, these seemingly lunching loiterers were actually protestors, but they didn't seem all that dangerous to me. mainly, they were kids (and older folks) protesting capitalism and factory farming and racism and what not. i was rather impressed though with one dude's mohawk. you don't see a lot of good mohawks these days, which is sad. i rather like the mohawk. their signs reminded me of a song by the internat'l noise conspiracy called 'capitalism stole my virginity.' there was one lone elderly lady carrying a sign protesting factory farming, but that was the only person i saw actively seeming to be in protest against anything out there. and there were all these cops around everywhere.

...i suppose in this day and age, you hear of a planned protest and the officers of the peace have to get all armed for bear. and yeah, this "protest" seemed more like a picnic, and i do commend those exercising their first amendment rights because "the city swallows trees and i am responsible because i am indifferent to these things" [TGR] and i just stand on the side lines and take photos. i wanna change the world as much as the next idealist, but i guess my approach is more of practicing kindness towards those who don't seem to deserve it and finding beauty in the midst of mayhem and monstrocities.

...i am convinced that beauty and love and kindness are forces to be reckoned with...if it weren't for the beauty i discover again and again in the music of folks like the gloria record, ian moore, magnetic fields, denison witmer, pedro, rosie thomas, idlewild, and so many others, and for the beauty i find in whatever place i may be from behind the camera lens, and if it weren't for the love poured into my life from various and unexpected sources, and the kindness shown to me by almost strangers, i would have surely unraveled this past year which was the hardest year of my entire life.

...i know that i have personally been changed by these things--beauty, love, kindness--and i have determined that for me, i will not make my mark in this world with loud exclamation points and bold capital letters; no, my mark in this world will be made up of ellipses and parantheses and lower case and photos. although i have to admit i get a little exclamatory when there's a rockin' band involved...and yeah, i'm totally passionate about that stuff ya know, but what i'm finding about who i am internally is that my inner world is very quiet. often silent. perceived and processed in pictures. is that weird?

anyways, friday night i took the train from my apartment to glenview to pick up my car which was at my mom's house (long story...). i think it's totally cool that you can take the blue line from my pad, get off @ montrose and walk a couple blocks to the metra train that goes into the burbs, all the way to fox lake. that means that folks who live in the boondocks like fox lake can take a train to see shows at the double door, which is like steps away from the blue line stop @ north & damen. that's totally cool! i love public transportation. i think it's important for the city to be as accessible as possible to the suburbiacs because it's good for them.

i have to admit that i totally love doing night photography in the city. oh, gosh, let's face it...if i didn't have to worry about paying bills or anything silly like that all i'd do is ride the trains and buses and planes and boats and rickshaws of the world and capture it all on compact flashcard. i am realizing more and more that i somehow need to find a way to do photography fulltime. maybe i'm not good enough to hack it in the professional arena, but there's nothing i love more than capturing a moment of beauty, truth, pain, reality, anything for posterity...i don't know how to describe it...it's kinda like i know there's poetry in my heart but the only way i know how to express it is in the photos i take. and life is about the poetry, right? that's the important stuff.

... my boss knows i'm not happy at work. i deal with friggin' databases for crimeny's sake...like ok, i realize my brain works like a relational database in many ways, but it's getting harder and harder to approach my job like the game that it used to be...new puzzles to solve...nope, no new ones here...i love the folks i work with, but really...the commute is killing me too...i wanna be free from it all...i need a vacation...well, i'm going to seattle on tuesday, but there's a possibility my work will follow me. downside of being the only person in your company who knows how to do what you do...

yeah...i need something else for making bread...

p.s. if you own the serene cd, listent to track 11 'internationals.' is that not the most beautiful song in the world at this moment?? it is for me...i'm listening to it right now, and i'm wanting to cry...ryan uses the words "photograph" and "fireflies" in the same song...that's beautiful, man...ryan better do that song when i come out to seattle...no, seriously, i'm gonna go cry now...it's so frickin' beautiful...

stuff i listened to--
memories of love-future bible heroes (stephin & claudia of magnetic fields plus their friend chris) this cd made me cry.
i'm lonely (and i love it)--future bible heroes
get lost--magnetic fields
harmacy--sebadoh (ok, i know i'm WAY behind, but this is my into to lou barlow, and all i can say is where the hell have i been???)
start here--the gloria record
a lull in traffic--the gloria record
s/t--the gloria record
s/t--the swords project (saw them w/ TGR thursday...they were awesome...beautiful...no joke...)
last call for vitriol--superdrag
s/t--holiday runner
s/t--serene
american english ep--idlewild
100 broken windows--idlewild
disintegration--the cure (one of the most beautiful albums EVER...i never get sick of this one)
demolition--ryan adams
a rush of blood to the head--coldplay

the gloria record

...i went and saw the gloria record last night...just a couple hours ago i was singing along to chris simpson...my first TGR show...it's a night to remember for sure...they opened w/ cinema air and then went right into my favourite which would be good morning providence. i love their music so much...i had a frickin' migraine the entire time, but i had a big smile on my face as well...

i can't wait to see them again in seattle next week!

i am writing this on a plane headed for chicago from NYC. i have no idea what time it is because my flight was grossly delayed, first by a malfunctioning coffeemaker of all things that was so badly leaking and irrepairable that we the passengers of this plane will be depreived of hot water for tea and coffee as well as tap water for the washrooms. additionally, a passenger w/ an extreme fear of flying bailed just prior to take off, and since you can't let a passenger get off a plane w/out making sure they take ALL their belongings, the ground crew had to go through all the checked bags in the belly of the plane to retrieve that passenger's checked baggage. i feel really bad for whoever that person was, and i feel really bad for everyone who's going to miss their connecting flights when we get to chicago...

we just flew over a brightly lit manhattan and now we're above the clouds where the setting sun is a sliver of a horizontal cat's eye glowing orange and slowly fading away...i am freezing my ass off!!! my hads get so cold sometimes...no hot drinks on this flight and all i can think about is soothing hot tea running down the back of my strangely sore throat...

...ok. so my new york/ct trip...yeah...so connolly & olarn flew United and i flew American and we landed @ LGA at the same time on thursday nite...while we were waiting for my luggage in baggage claim, there happened to be a girl dressed up like Storm from the Xmen...you know...the one w/ the beautiful long white hair and the icey eyes. this girl had the contact lenses and everything. connolly had his spiderman costume on, so he got to take a picture w/ her, which i'm sure made all those hours spent on that costume worthwhile. yeah, flying on halloween, you see all kinds of stuff. french maids, m&ms, superheros...

...josh picked us up @ the airport and drove us way up north a million miles to beacon, ny, which is near poughkeepsie. i got to meet freddy and linus, josh & lielle's adorable little cats who were excited to have so many new feet to play with in the apartment. on friday, we took the train from beacon to grand central station in manhattan. caleb and his friend todd met us there, and then i parted ways w/ my boys and got the tour of time square from caleb. i have to say that i was happy as a pig in mud to be in the midst of all that goings on in midtown manhattan because there were just a million gazillion photos waiting to be captured by me. i didn't get them all, but i got as much as i could.

...after the time square tour, caleb, todd & i hopped on the subway to go see greg glover in brooklyn. greg runs arena rock recording company which my friends in serene are on. i had a chance to hang out w/ greg when he and ryan and jesse were here in chicago the end of september to meet w/ tim white. i totally love greg! it's not every day you find someone so genuinely nice and down to earth, esp. in the music industry. he doesn't come across as being jaded, and it's so apparent that he truly loves good music and want to do what he can to promote it. he's been so good to my boys in serene...i'm totally grateful for that.

...anyways, the arena rock headquarters are situated in a hip part of brooklyn right off the bedford ave subway stop. bedford is where the hipsters hang out. i was totally digging the scene there--i could see myself happily living in that part of brooklyn. there's a lot of great music coming out of that burrough these days. it was great to see greg again, and it was cool caleb was with me, since he's my preferred companion for all things rock 'n' roll related. yeah, i've learned a lot under his tutelage.

...alright, i'm gonna have to summarize cuz this is getting too long...so basically, after seeing greg (who is just a truly lovely, lovely person! did i say that already? well, i wanna make my point clear...) and eating thai food on greg's recommendation, we hopped back on the subway to the irving plaza and hung out @ the virgin megastore for a while then hung out on the floor of the lobby of the irving plaza.

...while waiting for our boys idlewild to take the stage, i met a rock writer from boston named tom kielty. he gave me some suggestions and encouragement regarding my photography which was really nice, and he introduced me to mark kates who also does rock photography in addition to heading up fenway recordings and managing mission of burma. tom really got me thinking that i should maybe try to submit my photography to various places. believe me, if there's one thing i could do for the rest of my life and be happy, it would be photography. i just feel so unqualified...i don't even understand the physics of how photography works. well...we'll see...

...anyways, the idlewild show kicked ass. the set was way too short though. and for some reason the songs all seemed shorter than the album version. but they did play the songs i wanted to hear, namely idea track, american english, discourage and roseability. i really hope they come back and play SXSW. i would love to see them live again.

...although i wouldn't mind an excuse to go over to europe to see them. yeah, it was great sharing yet another rock 'n' roll experience w/ caleb. it seems like whenever i see him, there's always rock 'n' roll going on. oh, and i got to meet pierre, caleb's best friend who also went to U of C, and ron another U of C alum, and a dude named rob who plays w/ john kim, another U of C alum, and walker, yet another U of C alum.

spending time w/ caleb was definitely a treat, that young man being as busy as he is, and i really needed it this weekend too, because i've been feeling so discouraged w/ the recent deaths i've experienced which have reopened wounds from my dad's death that i have been ignoring for the past 6 months. yeah, can you believe it's been 6 months since my dad died? caleb has a way of giving me hope and relighting the flame of faith and just helping me have an outright kickass carefree good time that i'm so grateful for. it was awesome to be able to meet some of those friends who've been such a part of his life, and i also got to meet his brother sam that night in stamford, which was a real treat.

...so that was friday. saturday, the morning was spent waiting for caleb to wake up as i played around on his guitar. we went to "breakfast" w/ sam at the stamford diner, and then they dropped me off at the train station so i could go meet up w/ josh & the gang in manhattan. i was supposed to get on a train from grand central and meet them down near ellis island or something, but i got so lost...yeah, only SARAH could get lost trying to get onto a train from grand central station.

...the idiot that i am, i went outside and wandered around looking for a subway station, not realizing that i didn't even have to walk out the doors of GCS. i basically went in a huge circle, but i had fun taking photos, and josh & connolly & olarn told me not to move and they came and got me. we went over to meet lielle @ the rockefeller center, took photos, saw ice skaters, went inside st. pat's where there was a mass going on and i got to light candles for a couple people, and then we went to the plaza hotel just to have a looksee and then we went to dinner at a malaysian restaurant which was yummy and then we went to cafe lolas which is where they shot you've got mail.

...basically, the weekend went by way too fast...sunday was when i had to leave...i spent about an hour in the morning doing a photoshoot in beacon right outside josh's apartment.

...i have a fascination with trains and railroads, so there happened to be railroad tracks right by josh's place where i went down and took some pictures. it was a gorgeous day...the sun was a lovely companion that cold morning. i spent a considerable amount of time on my hands and knees, which i would later regret when i got sick as a dog coming home.

we drove into manhattan, dropped lielle off for rehearsal, and then had to fight the marathon traffic to get me & olarn to laguardia to catch our flights. it was a crazy flight for me. got delayed a couple times, and i was miserably sick as it was...chills like you wouldn't believe, and a throat so sore it felt like someone had been scraping it w/ broken glass.

anyways, that was the trip. lots i'm missing. go look at the photos later when i have them up. this post needs to end.