...well, it's week 2 of the 12 hour tuesdays, and i have to say, it ain't so bad...the other days seem so much shorter in comparison...and tomorrow i enjoy the fruits of my labor and get to take the day off! woohoo!

so i've joined the friendster.com revolution...i don't have very many friends yet...teddy's younger brother jay's friend timm who used to be teddy's roommate invited me...jay's other friend jeff invited teddy...so now we're all friendsters! how it all works, it's just too complicated...go look it up yourself...

denison witmer's playing @ subterranean tomorrow night...denny's the one who jumpstarted my indie rock life style back in march 2002...he is a lovely human being and writes lovely songs to boot...

...so last night as i was working late, i got a call from bmg music group...you know those people...buy 12 cds for the price of 1? yeah, well, i'm a long time member...every now and then they'll call you up and tell you what a valuable member you are and 'reward' you by offering you a coupon for free cds if you buy just one at full price (which is about 1.75x the price you'd pay at a normal cd store)...well, i got one of those calls yesterday...except this time, the girl who called, as soon as i verified that i was indeed 'sarah', she starts rattling off a sales pitch at full speed x 1,000,000,000...without pausing to give me a chance to say 'no thank you', she proceeded to tell me that because i was such a valued customer, that i'd be getting 9 free cds for buying the 3 cds they were sending, and i have no idea what the titles were because she rattled them off so fast, and before i even had a chance to say that i still lived at such and such an address, she thanked me and hung up..i was stunned...i wish i could have recorded her talking...i swear, it was like one of them auctioneers and i'm not exaggerating one bit...well, i called bmg today, and it turns out that they outsource those sales calls to an outside telemarketing firm...and this was not the first of such complaints they've gotten... i still can't believe it...if you ever get one of these calls, as soon as they ask, 'is this so-and-so?' start yelling at the top of your voice, 'NO! NO! NO!' it's really the only way to avoid the hassle of returning unwanted stuff...i was so incensed after that sales call yesterday that i emailed bmg's customer service, told them what happened, and thanked them for the CDs they were sending me, which i was assuming were free since i never gave my consent to accept them...

anyways, i don't have any interesting photos to post so i'm resorting to my collection of teddy's funny faces...enjoy...i sure do...

been listening to--
yankee hotel foxtrot--wilco
time (the revelator)--gillian welch
revival--gillian welch
wood/water--the promise ring
murray street--sonic youth
spirit of '91--zapruder point
god fodder--ned's atomic dustbin

is it monday morning already? sheesh, how the weekend flies by...it's funny how the perception of time is relative to how much fun you're having...well, it's the early train for me today...

let's see...ah yes...the weekend...don't remember too much...oh yeah...pete's bday party...that was lots of fun...pete loved the pedro the lion tshirt i got him...it had a picture of the skull he wants to get a tattoo of on it which was why i had bought it in the first place...i gave my guacamole recipe out several times...

saturday night we went to the premiere of the star wars-esque little film connolly was in this past year...it was called 'resistance' and it made me want one of them light saber thingies...and a cape...

after the screening, teddy & i stopped in a little park in the neighborhood and climbed the slide/fort/bar thingie and enjoyed the cool evening breeze and daydreamed together...it was lovely...we were both tipsy (he'd had 3 fat weasels & i'd had 1.5 woodchuck ales plus we'd each had an export a) and i was actually nauseous which was how we'd ended up lying on our backs in this park instead of joining connolly & his girlfriend @ the heartland cafe...despite the nausea, it was a beautiful night for me listening to teddy dream out loud...

sunday was the wicker park grace outing to the baha'i temple in wilmette...nanette, teddy & i went up there and met up w/ leslie & claire...i've been in the temple only a couple times before and really didn't know too much about the baha'is...we saw a video, got a tour, and had a chance to ask some questions...quite frankly, i have a hard time figuring out how one can logically tie all the major world religions together as being compatible with each other...it just didn't make sense to me...and the whole time, i kept wondering to myself, 'who changes that light bulb at the top that lights up the arabic words carved in the dome?' teddy's answer? 'your mom...' that's his answer for all my questions...

...sunday night was a disaster for getting stuff done as plans got changed then switched then changed again...somehow we did manage to go bowling with the twins (grey jay & orange lauren) and their cohorts rouge douge, camoflage jefflage (back from sweden), timm & mike...teddy's been wanting to bowl for ages...it was fun...i had a kickass first game...bowled a 132 which is probably my alltime high...and i knew the next game was doomed...i didn't even check what my score was for the second game...

the place where we bowled was called lincoln square bowling alley, and it's on top of the ace hardware store on lincoln & ainslie...there were only 2 other people bowling when we got there...there was this huge round old fashioned bar...and a few pinball machines...and a jukebox with some really bad albums in it but some good oldies as well...i got a strike to cheap trick's 'i want you to want me'...i love programming the jukebox...although it would've been cheaper to bring our own cd player...

this week i get to take thursday off because of my new schedule...i can't wait...that kinda means that today is like a wednesday for me, not a monday...that's so awesome...

i love the sound of teddy's voice over the telephone esp. when he's excited about something, even if that something's a disagreement we're having...it's all good...

i think i need to see a dentist...holy crap...who's my dentist again?

...tonight is my friend pete's 25th bday party...his birthday was on sunday, but today is the party, and it's gonna be some party...like lots of people...and my guacamole...like holy guacamole...stolie... ok...whatever...anyways, i've known pete & his lovely wife amy for a little less than a year now...i don't get to see them as much as i'd like to, esp. since they moved to hyde park and got pregnant and had a baby and all that...but when i do, it's like being with old friends...pete is like the little brother i never had...except it doesn't seem like we're that far apart in age...and it's not so much cuz pete's mature, so you do the math...pete, sam & i loved hanging out as a trio until things like babies and fiancees and boyfriends came up...those were good days...

...i remember the night i really wanted to see yeah yeah yeahs over @ the bottle, and sam wasn't really into it, and so the three of us went to facets and got chelsea walls, which i got just for the extra wilcco song and the jeff tweedy soundtrack...and sam & pete fell asleep...those lame-ohs...and then there was the time i called pete & sam & they were headed up north to a thrift store in uptown, and i was headed south from evanston, and so we met up @ the thrift store...and then we went to the hollywood grill and ordered beer cuz they had just added that to the menu...and then who could forget new years eve when the three of us ate @ swank franks cuz we couldn't find anyone else open and we were frickin' staaahvin'...and then we went to ted's new year's eve party and ted put those two to work and he just watched and laughed as they made the pizzas w/ brie...pete got so drunk that night ha ha...and then there was that over the rhine show that bill opened up for...pete & amy & i had dinner w/ their friends prior to the show......and pete & i got so mad when bill only got a 20 minute set that we sat out in schuba's hallway smoking cloves during over the rhine's set and only came back in when bill joined karen on stage for a duet...and the time pete & sam & i went to look at tattoos...ha ha ha! and i remember when pete & i said we wouldn't wear shorts in the summer cuz we wanted to be rock'n'roll ha ha we were such wannabes and still are...oh gosh, and the time pete & i went on a photoshoot & ended up @ the american girl store HA HA HA! and pete was trying on the girls' clothes they were selling to match the doll clothes!! HA HA HA! smoking a nat sherman's together outside church the day of the 5th anniversary...we smoked a lot together, pete & i...and he passed on his zippo to me for christmas...and i gotta say, he's married to one cool girl...if i were a boy, i'd marry amy to...which makes sense seein' as how pete & i get on so well, so we'd probably have the same taste in girls too...pete & amy rock...'s'all i gots to say about that...

ah yes, my kid bro pete is 25...and he's a dad too...what a year...

been listening to the mix cd i made for pete's bday:
the execution of all things—rilo kiley
the electric version—the new pornographers
the empty page—sonic youth
reject all american—bikini kill
a movie script ending—death cab for cutie
else—built to spill
skips a beat—the promise ring
the greatest thing—ester drang
universal truths and cycles—guided by voices
american flag—cat power
silver transparent—bill mallonee
american english—idlewild
parade—damien jurado & gathered in song
public witness program—fugazi
summertime climb—the flashing lights
let’s run—le tigre
we don’t say shut up—danielson famile
after all—mojave 3
too pure—sebadoh
of up and coming monarchs—pedro the lion
pink moon—nick drake
you know that (is nothing new)—vigilantes of love
heavy metal drummer—wilco
cinema air—the gloria record
rules broken—all-time quarterback

so reckless records is having their 'blowout' sale except it's not really a blowout cuz if it were a blowout i should've found a ton of stuff for like cheap and of the four cds i walked out with last night, only two even qualified for the sale, and only at 20% off at that...so the deal is, if it's been on the shelf for 6 months or longer, it's 50% off...if it's been on the shelves for 3-6 months, it's 20% off...i still only paid $26 for the 4 cds even though i technically only got $2 off w/ the sale...big whoopdee doo...

so i had my weekly meeting with my boss halane and coworker andrei, and i shared with them this idea i had for keeping the lines of communication open with the users of that evil application, the HRIS/Payroll system, that my job centers around...the idea was along the lines of a newsletter with gentle advice on how to not screw things up more than they already are, little pep talks on how entering data CORRECTLY could save the company money, and a q&a section...i also though a caricature of our payroll manager would be a good idea...i also said a whole bunch of blah blah blah on getting input on users for quarterly training sessions blah blah blah...and i could see andrei slowly distancing himself from me...and my boss is like, 'that's great! i love it! i guess you're going to be really busy from now on!' so i guess i've justified my existence in this company for a little while longer, but it's gonna be a lot of work...ugh...well, it's not so bad...i'd get to design the newsletter myself, and i'll find ways...maybe stick in little lyrics from my favorite songs without anyone noticing...like 'i could be wrong but i don't think i am' or 'we've got solid state technology' or ' you were right when you said you can't always get what you want' etc etc etc...

i have a new work schedule...i've worked this out w/ my boss...i'm gonna work 12 hour days once a week and take off one day every other weeks...so basically i'm working 44 hours this week, and next week i'll work 36 hours, but i'll get a whole day off!! the 12 hours aren't so bad...you just play a lot of tunes and keep busy, that's all...i'm happy cuz this means i'll be using less vacation days for the miscellaneous day off here and there...like going to great america...and even going to new york, i can make that only one vacation day and still get 4 days in new york...

so this thursday is zapruder point's long awaited cd release party @ subterranean...here is my promo that i sent to the chicagomuzik yahoo group...out of sheer exhaustion (NOT a lack of desire to promote) i'm just gonna copy it word for word:

hey folks--

i know that there are a gazillion bands out there deserving of more
attention than they're getting, and i realize there are a gazillion
shows going on in chicago on any given night (which is why i love
this town)...

...but i wanna draw your attention to a certain trio called zapruder
point (http://www.zapruderpoint.com)...take a 2-string guitar, add a
violin (or fiddle if you like), set 'em next to a not-so-big drum kit
and voila! you have zapruder point...granted, the recipe is not as
simplistic as that, but the music is simply delectable...their
supporters include the likes of jim derogatis, and i've even seen mr.
thomas dunning doing merch at a zapruder point show (before he moved
his hoot nights to dublin)...

...so anyways...they're having their long-awaited record release
party @ subterranean (2011 w. north ave--that's like north &
milwaukee next to estelle's) in like TWO DAYS!!! that would be this
thursday, july 24th @ 9pm...they're headlining and it's only $5!!
like how cheap is that!!! that's less than the price of a decent
beer @ house of blues!!

...imagine if you will...the mellow tones of the lower couple strings
on dan phillip's guitar striking soul-stirring harmonious
chords...the mellifluous dancing strains of casey millard's
violin...to the enthusiastic but not overbearing beats of the dashing
tom millard...

...i know of few bands who are as DIY as these guys...let's give 'em
some love shall we? i've been to shows in new york, seattle,
portland, austin, madison, etc. and i know we've got the best fans
here in chicago...

...so come to the show and say hi to me! i'll be the asian girl with
hair as long as her legs (which isn't saying much) toting a nikon
coolpix 4500...

..alright...that's it for now...i figured there aren't many posts
here so i might as well give you some reading material...thanks!

-sarah

so yeah...come see zapruder point this thursday @ subterranean! and come see denison witmer @ the same time same place NEXT thursday...

so sunday teddy & i went to hyde park vineyard...rand wasn't there...we actually got there almost on time this time...we were only maybe 5 minutes late i think...that's like a record for me...the one time i've been to church on time was when caleb & i stayed over @ audrey's and i had to drive them early enough to set up & practice for worship...speaking of audreay, she was there yesterday but left early...i'm gonna see her on friday though @ pete's 25th bday bash...

after church, we went to this middle eastern restaurant called cedars w/ pete & amy and this young couple named maggie & kyle...they were very sweet...maggie said that ted reminded her of her brother...i guess his crazy hair and his longstanding vegetarianism...ha ha...anyways, lunch was yummy...after lunch, teddy & i went to his apartment and played drums...at first, we played along to the clash (london calling was still in the cd player from last week's bbq), but i really couldn't hear the music w/ my earplugs in so i just started making my own stupid beats on the little red kit and ted played along on the full white kit.

we picked up dave around 4:30 and went to lauren & jay's apt for the d-kids & friends meeting...it was the inaugural meeting and i thought it went well...ted, dave, me, jay, lauren, douglas, timm, baby, and then later ellen and at the end mike cole...pizza & cappucinos...and lots of discussing...it was cool...those siblings are so lucky to have each other, that they can get together, have fun, and talk and share and support each other's dreams and be accountable as well...the rest of us who were not siblings are lucky to share in that via association...

i think that few people in this day & age experience community like they used to in past generations...esp. in western society...especially if you're a young adult and single...and yet our need to be affirmed and loved and accepted has not at all diminished...if anything, those needs are even more acutely felt in the context of a society where they are so difficult to meet...living in the inertia of such isolation and disconnectedness, surrounded by a sensory overload of stimuli from the constant bombardments by the likes of MTV, starbucks, hollywood, and the gap company...our hearts and souls and spirits atrophy as our physical sensual beings continue to gorge on the readily available buffet of consummables...

yesterday's meeting was a beacon of hope in the midst of a dark, dark world...

so friday night we met up w/ teddy's siblings & their significant others--greendeeve & yellowellow, orangelorange & rougedouge--and we ate at that indian restaurant on belmont & sheffield right across from leona's...teddy & i haven't had indian since new years day w/ brownjown & tealpheal & violetta brioletta...it was yummy! teddy kept talking about how he wanted some MGD or miller high life, and when we walked out of the restaurant, there was this huge sign there for miller...so i took a picture...

after dinner, teddy, dave, ellen & i headed over to the 10 cat tavern...i was really excited because i wanted to play pennant fever, this baseball pinball game where one person pitches and one person bats...it's loads of fun and terribly exciting....much more so than a real baseball game...so we did that and teddy kicked my ass at the last inning...oh wel...the 10 cat's got this exhibit of all this baseball stuff...i think they really like baseball there...but i didn't see any cats...it's a cool place with really nice pool tables...and a mature patronage...not as in senior citizen agewise mature, but just the type of folks who ain't there looking to pick up somebody...and they all seem pretty laid back and not like really yuppyish types who need to show off their designer clothes and designer cars...nice folks...not really punk rock or anything but nice...

i'm going to my mom's now to say hey cuz my bro's in korea for a month and she's all by her lonesome...and it's a nice sunny day so i think i wanna spend some time on her deck...it's all good!

been listening to--
execution of all things--rilo kiley
moon & antarctica--modest mouse
murray street--sonic youth

heehee...teddy is so sweet...he just called me from work to tell me he saw a lady w/ a wilco shirt on and told her all the good seats for the sept show were gone and she said she probably shouldn't tell him this but that they added another show...and he didn't want to wait until after work to tell me...little did he know i'd already bought the tickets!

well...i gots me wilco tix! for the saturday show on sept. 20...not bad seats either...orchestra level...we'll see how worth it they are...

tonight i'm gonna go see modest mouse @ the house of blues...they're pete's favorite band so i got him & amy tix for his bday which is coming up soon...i've never seen modest mouse, but the show's sold out so it'll be a nice crowded intro...

tra la la...rawk on...

so last night was my one celebrity encounter...teddy & i were eating at a thai restaurant a couple blocks away near milwaukee & north ave, and we sat down next to a couple...except the couple wasn't sitting across from each other...the first thing you noticed was that the guy had moved his chair over so that he could be closer to the girl...it seemed all very sweet or whatever...for a split second, i thought to myself, 'i should know who this guy is...' but i didn't really think too much of it and i sat down and started perusing this huge menu...the menu was covering my face, and i could hear the next table's voices, and suddenly a lightbulb went on over my head as i recognized the voice...it was the voice of a local NPR radio show host who will go unnamed at this time...i turned my menu just enough so that only teddy could see me and i mouthed the phrase, 'THAT'S __ _____!!!!' and he whispered back that he'd thought so...i could not believe it! i was sitting next to the table of a radio personality whose show i've admired for years...someone i'd always wanted to meet...someone i always thought i'd immediately have a crush on if i ever got the opportunity to meet him...

well...the rest of the meal was spent with this overarching thought in my head that i was sitting next to ___ ______ and his girlfriend...but that wasn't it...we must've gotten to the restaurant just after they had gotten there because they left right before we did...and as we walked down milwaukee so i could go to filter and spill the beans to teddy's roomie joe who is also a fan of this same radio show, i spied ___ _____ hiding in the shadows of a huge pillar at the entrance of a building...and he was passionately making out with his girlfriend (i'm assuming it's his girlfriend but frankly i didn't ask)...we couldn't believe it!!! so we go and tell the story to joe and then we walk back out of filter and i take a peek down the street AND THERE I SEE THEM NECKING AGAIN way in the distance!!! like that's a lot of making out!

like nuts man...well, i didn't actually meet the dude, but i can say with confidence that i don't have a crush on him, and last night's little encounters are enough to assure me that i never will...not because of anything i heard him say or saw him do...it's just that...the chemistry just wasn't there between him and me...

and i'm just being silly here...

today i drove to franklin, wi near milwaukee to do some interviews for a new plant there...like not all that exciting...coming home, the traffic was just a bear...there was a serious accident on the tristate just south of town line road where our offices our located, and all the lanes were closed so a helicopter could land and carry out the injured...it wasn't pretty...i went to my mom's to recuperate and had dinner there...

well, tomorrow is modest mouse w/ pete & amy & teddy...i don't know modest mouse all that much, but pete loves them, and i've been told i would too...

oh...i tried to get wilco tickets online yesterday...i failed...well, i was able to get tickets, but i had forgotten my card and had to call teddy and by that time, ticketmaster had relinquished my decent seats and all i could get were crappy ones...and i just didn't want to spend all that money for crappy seats, ya know? so i'm not gonna go...oh, they'll probably add a 2nd show or something...maybe...

well, i'm just chillin' here...not really...the a/c's not on so it ain't chill at all...but i'm not up to too much...

been listening to--
to the rooftops--watchers
last broadcast--doves
quiet is the new loud--kings of convenience
wish--the cure
kiss me kiss me kiss me--the cure
head on door--the cure
pretty we ain't--the sex pistols

p.s. i just checked my email and sure enough, i've been notified by wilcoworld.net that they've added a 2nd show...they're becoming way too predictable...

the following was written (by hand) circa 5:30pm:

happy bastille day!

so i am out of reading material for my commute home, which leaves me no choice but to write...as if that's a boring or tedious chore..tedious...hmmm...i propose that the spelling of that word be changed the TEADIOUS cuz i don't thing that 'TED' should be the first 3 letters of a word like TE(A)DIOUS...that's my personal bias though...anyways, i digress...

so remember my depressing little post from a few days ago regarding how all you can trust people to do is to let you down? well, interestingly enough, the last few chapters of high fidelity, which i finished this morning, talk about the narrators fear of commitment as being a result of his fear of losing someone to death, which is still quite inevitable for us humans...i have to admit that i can relate to this fear...having witnessed my mom go through the pain of losing my dad doesn't give me too much hope that i'd fare any better were i to face the sudden loss of my better half...

anytime you choose to love or to connect to another human being, you risk injury to your heart...there's no insurance you can buy to protect you from the arrows in this life that are a guided missile to the heart...so why this need to connect, to love, to be loved? well, i dunno WHY we need it, but i can guess why we risk such damage to the heart to get it...my guess is that those who do take that risk do so because they know that the rewards can far outweigh the pain...and yes, after years and years of joy when you do lose that someone, the more you loved that person, the more it's gotta hurt...but i tend to believe that the joys present in such a relationship in light of eternity, can transcend the boundaries of time, and years after you've lost that someone, the joy you had can revisit you and remind you why you put your heart on the line...it's gotta be worth it..or else i'm in trouble...

now here's something i wonder about...i was raised for years on borderline fundamentalist evangelical christianity, and from what i can remember, i was told, or believed i was told, again and again, that you can't depend on human love because it will fail you, that only god's love is unfailing...i also remember a lot of the behavioral restrictions being grounded in god's knowing what's best for you and wanting to protect you from the consequences of your own lack of wisdom...ok...i understand that god's the only entirely trustworthy being in all of eternity & that he probably does know what's best for you & that he's got your best interest in mind & all that...but really, what's wrong w/ experiencing some of the sorrows of human life? i'm not a masochist by any means, but i'm leaning more and more towards the belief that it's the sorrows & hardships in life that make it possible for you to fully appreciate the joys and triumphs...so you do something stupid and have to deal w/ the consequences...if you learn through that experience why you shouldn't have done that in the first place and actually internalize it, isn't that better than mindlessly obeying orders out of fear of something bad happening? like i understand that there are somethings that you just wanna take other's people's word for...like if you jump off a 20 story building, you may not survive...but i think sometimes we just need to feel that pain, so that next time we don't do something even stupider out of mere curiosity...i dunno...i just can't bring myself to obey for the mere sake of obedience, or even out of love...i have to question...that's just where i am at this stage...

well, believe it or not, i walked a cat...on a leash and everything...and there's the photo to prove it...it took a lot of coaxing, and abby was really nervous, but teddy & i got him to walk about 10 houses down, give or take a few...he was doing just fine until the neighbor down the street turned the corner w/ a big old dog...abby made a mad dash back to the apartment...but i thought it was a success...it'll be cool if he gets to the point where we can actually go around the block...and then who knows...maybe he'll start jogging or something...but i'm not holding my breath...

so sunday night was teddy big bash at the boys' apt...it was the longawaited rooftop bbq...pete & amy & little elliot made it out, which was cool...pete immediately went to work helping ted cook...that's all he's ever done when he's come to teddy's parties...cook...i think teddy loves that about him...it was a huge elaborate ordeal, preparing for this party...first off, teddy worked a six a.m. shift, so he was already exhausted by early afternoon, and then he made this really nice pasta salad, cleaned an entire kitchen top to bottom, and hit the grill...we had all sorts of guests there...from siblings...to sibling's significant others...to siblings' posses...to ex-roommates...to current roommates...roommate's friends...teddy's best friend brian...to trader joe colleagues...to total strangers...it was loads of fun!

quite honestly, we were such slowpokes w/ the grill, that there were no veggie burgers or dogs ready until after 10pm...we started out w/ some lovely side dishes though...i'm talking gourmet...teddy's pasta salad was a beauty...w/ a fresh basil sprig for garnish and everything...and his sister lauren made this elaborate fruit spread w/ these dips that were to die for...me, i made my killer guac...everybody loves my guac...i have a secret recipe...and i made veggie kabobs...and shrimp kabobs marinated in a pineapple curry sauce...ted & pete roasted corn in the husk...that was yummy...and that was about all i got off the grill until probably 10:30 or so...

folks stood around on the roof, and as the night set in, we brought out the japanese lantern my friend john made and we gathered around it as if it were a bonfire and drank, smoked, chatted up a storm...it was amazing how all the different camps of people got along and mingled together instead of just sticking to the familiar folks...and the weather was absolutely perfect...it wasn't hot or sticky at all...even a bit cool for a july night in chicago...

mikey v and teddy started drumming around midnite on teddy's two drum kits...boy, is that loud...i think there were more drummers at that party than any other instrumentalist...we could've totally had a jam session...ted's brother dave brought his bass & huge amp...we had the two drum kits, and a bunch of other percussions including the biggest thumb piano i've ever seen, my two guitars are there, ted's roomie joe's guitar...but we kept it at the two drum kits going at it...

i was exhausted by the time i made the taxi rounds and went home by 2:30, but it was definitely fun and a night to remember...i really love teddy's siblings and friends...and even his siblings' friends...it's all good...

been listening to--
murray street--sonic youth
tromp le monde--the pixies
the execution of all things--rilo kiley
loveless--my bloody valentine
reading writing and arithmetic--the sundays
in aeroplanes over the sea--neutral milk hotel

went to see miranda stone @ the last garden of the season...miranda & mike choby rocked and made us laugh for a nice long set...here are the pictures yo...

mike choby is the awesomest bass player in all of chicagoland...he's awesome on the gee-tar too...and miranda...that girl is a ROCKER...and her lyrics make me think that she'd relate to the mess that my life is without judgment or condescension...

chris langill wasn't supposed to be there due to the scheduled birth of his 2nd child...but little aaron got a head start and birthed himself on sunday, so langill showed up, proud papa, photos in hand...

been trying to clean the apartment today...not very successful...

i bought a leash for aberdeen...i am going to attempt walking a cat...call me nuts...

headache...

ugh...

been listening to--
VOL--VoL
some braid
david bruce's stuff
7 deadly sins--miranda stone

it's amazing how low you can sink beneath the weight of selfdoubt and fear...everything once clear fades to a dim...

...and you wonder how it is that an eternal and infinite and unfathomable being of pure goodness and love would take an interest in a speck of dust like yourself...and you want to stop saying 'no, thank you' and just fall into that shimmering pool of grace...

lady gregory, come forth...i need a word with you...

ok. urban hillbilly quartet photos are right here...did i mention how much they ROCKED at cstone?!!! they were sometimes a 3-guitar outfit...like real southern rock! but different of course...i missed mikey on fiddle...but he's busy fighting polio off in the heart of darkness...

oh, and more reviews on watchers' 'to the rooftops' album--
this one says teddy's a brilliant drummer, which he is, he he he:
http://www.aversion.com/bands/reviews.cfm?f_id=1145
this one says more nice stuff about the drummer:
http://www.popmatters.com/music/reviews/w/watchers-totherooftops.shtml
the rollingstone had comments too...
http://www.rollingstone.com/reviews/cd/review.asp?aid=2046429

DISCLAIMER: this following post is depressing...

i live in a culture of nontrust and fear and selfabsorption...all that emo vulnerability on one end of the spectrum and indie detatchedness on the other is a facade to hide the reality of fear and loneliness and emptiness that lodges itself as a lump in the throat that's grown way too large to simply swallow...pseudospirituality is the bandaid applied to the gangrene in our hearts so that we don't have to wrestle with this being that pursues us in our dreams and in our waking trances...this being that we don't want to admit has a name because that name is blasphemous to the culture we've created, this culture in which the individual is supreme and fuck anyone who tells you otherwise...this being, this beauteous being...chasing you...chasing me...like a lover searching for her beloved in the dark streets of this vast and lonely city...

...a ragged looking indie rock couple asks you for a few bucks so he and his wife, who've just trekked across the country from california, can stay the night at a hostel, and you are automatically suspicious, and it's not just because of the joint he's got in one hand...how do you know they really just arrived from california and are looking for a room and not more drugs? but you supress your judgment of who they may be and what they really want and you hand over the last dollar in your pocket as you wish them luck, comforting yourself with the thought that they really may be just looking for a decent bed to sleep in...but you think to yourself that you just gave them joint money...

...big deal...call me naive...i gave a dollar to a dude who was smoking a joint on division st. at 11 pm on a thursday night...maybe i should've offered them my sofabed instead...or my own bed, which isn't all that comfortable, and they'd have to deal with the cat...maybe i was hoodwinked into supporting their weed habit...but maybe, just maybe, they really did need the money...maybe more than a dollare or two, what they needed was for someone to look them in the eye and acknowledge them and wish them good luck in all sincerity, even if that someone was someone they happend to be conning out of a dollar at the moment...

...maybe none of this really matters in the grand scheme of things, but it's all too apparent to me today. last night, lately, right now, that trust is not characteristic of the culture--or any of the subcultures for that matter--which i inhabit...trust is not characteristic of who i am as a person either...am i capable of trust? i must be...and why am i thinking of this all of a sudden...

...there goes the fear again...

...from a logical standpoint, you really can't trust anyone because sooner or later, they will let you down, guaranteed...look at my dad...he died...the only man who ever made me feel adored and loved unabashedly...he let me down...but it wasn't really his fault, i suppose...i guess all you can do to trust someone is to trust them to be honest in their imperfections and brokenness...or you can be naive (and i personally don't see anything (too) wrong w/ naivete) and trust that someone will be your friend or love you faithfully or be there for you or whatever the hell else we're supposed to be trusting in our fellow human and then be flat out disappointed and hurt when they're not and then forgive and get over it and trust all over again and then be disappointed and hurt etc etc etc...and why must life be a vicious cycle always?

...if i choose to trust, do i choose my own demise? and if so, the demise of what? the demise of self? the demise of a totally isolated selfsufficient island of humanity that really only wants to be loved unabashedly like her daddy loved her?

...and the truth is that i am afraid of that which i desire...to be loved...to be loved by someone the way my dad loved me...to be loved by someone the way bill loves brenda...what a terrifying idea...because to have that which i desire means that i will have to love back...and what if i fail? what if i don't have the ability to love someone the way i want to be loved myself? i've already failed so many times...

...there goes the fear again...

and what i want...what i want...is to be like a child...a child is lavish with his trust and love and adoration...a child can't help it...a child doesn't think about being disappointed or hurt down the road...a child doesn't calculate the minimum amount of vulnerability and self-revelation needed in a given situation for the desired level of attention or affection...a child simply loves...trusts...smiles...laughs...cries...

been listening to--
to the roof of the sky--VoL
killing floor--VoL
emotions--alaska!

last night i watched waking life w/ teddy & his brother dave & his girlfriend ellen...i remember how hard that movie hit me back in december (refer to my dec. 21st post)...and even now, i'm still impacted by the movie...something about eternity and god and reality and perception and all that stuff...there's so much stuff in that movie...

work is crazy busy...i was in a two hour+ meeting this morning in which my head was spinning w/ people talking all at once, and the last 40 minutes all i wanted to do was run...and pee...sheesh...but they did give us fresh slices of ripe watermelon...which probably caused my need to pee towards the end...

i am proud to say that i got my city sticker BEFORE i was issued a ticket for not having one...i even got my residential parking sticker so i can park ANY DAMN PLACE I WANT on my block...about time too...i think i'm going to grow up and be responsible now...

been listening to--
being there--wilco
infinite keys--ester drang
believe the hype demos--serene
start here--the gloria record

well, here are the bill mallonee/VoL/tiny silver hearts photos i've done so far:
schubas tues 07.01.2003
cstone 2003 acoustic stage
cstone 2003 gallery stage

i'm determined to get all my bill photos up on my webiste...slowly but surely...man, i love those suits!

been listening to--
perfume letter--bill mallonee
ancient melodies of the future--built to spill
keep it like a secret--built to spill
loveless--my bloody valentine
in aeroplanes over the sea--neutral milk hotel
happy sad--tim buckley

and so here i am, back to life...back to reality...

i am exhausted, sore, and somewhat numb in the head...cstone depleted what little resources i had left for continuing as a fully functional human being...in the end, though, if i did anything at all to promote the career of my favorite athenian, then it was all worth it...i have to say, doesn't bill look great in that suit? jake said bill found it at some thrift store, and it fit him like a glove for $25...

time spent w/ bill is time well-spent, i say...being around him always makes me want to be good and pure...more and more, when i see bill, in the back of my head, i'm thinking of my dad...little things, like the way he interacts w/ the lonely bartendress @ the hotel bar listening to her stories of what she wants to study and do with her life...little things, like the little encouraging words he addresses me with...these little things give me insight into how we should treat each other...

and i had a really good time w/ jake too this time...he is a really nice guy and can make me laugh with stories of bill or kenny from days of old...he's participating in a project called portico which is inspired by l'abri, which is based on the teachings of francis schaeffer...this got me thinking about schaeffer's writing...my dad had a lot of his books, and i'm sure i've stolen at least one of them...something in the way jake was describing stuff @ portico made me think i needed to look more into the writings of schaeffer...so that's my next project...today, i'll finish bridges w/ spirit by adam voith (of aerobooking & tni books)...then tomorrow i can start on whatever f. schaeffer book i can scrounge up...i might even go to the bookstore tonight...

it was fun hanging out w/ brandon from bloomington and debbie & erica from wildwood...i missed caleb & megan, but last year's cstone really can't be reproduced in its intensity and general mayhem...

i have continued my tradition of getting an oil change @ the speed lube in macomb, il during cstone...i think i remember the guys from last year...the scary part was when an off-duty speed lube employee came over w/ a photo to show his buddies as if it were a photo of a family pet or new car, and it was actually a photo of some heavy duty weaponry...the dude also had a confederate flag tattooed on his arm...

anyways...

been listening to--
need to bleed ep--bill mallonee & VoL
perfume letter--bill mallonee
'cross the big pond--VoL
blister soul--VoL
march 16-20,1992--uncle tupelo
no depression--uncle tupelo
summerteeth--wilco
execution of all things--rilo kiley
infinite keys--ester drang
recovered--denison witmer
the a-list--UHQ
highway 61 revisited--bob dylan
blonde on blonde--bob dylan
brief history of the 20th century--gang of four
tim--the replacements

ok...detholz @ cornerstone photos are here. bill mallonee & the tiny silver hearts @ schubas photos are here...more to come later...i love bill & jake in suits!

i just got back from cornerstone and good riddance...if it weren't for bill & jake and now bo & brandon of the tiny silver hearts formerly known as the trophy wives formerly known as the vigilantes of love, i would not subject myself to 110 degrees w/ the heat index for a number of days in a row...

so much to tell...and i'm just exhausted...a few notes for now that i'll elaborate on later:

tuesday's schuba show w/ bill & the tiny silver hearts RAWKED!

bill's solo set @ cstone RAWKED!!!!

VoL RAWKED the gallery @ midnite thursday!!!!

bill & jake on the main stage in front of thousands and thousands of people and televised on a big giant huge screen playing double cure brought tears to my eyes...

and then there are the detholz!...wait till you see the pictures...the detholz! RAWKED the new band showcase on saturday!

UHQ has a new guitarist making it a 3 guitar band that sometimes has 2 guitars and a banjo...and the RAWK!!!!

i missed ester drang...

i missed demon hunter...

i missed ticklepenny corner...

i skipped pedro the lion...

to be continued...