...oh...and in case you were thinking about breaking and entering into my apartment with a cta transit card, in addition to the downstairs fortress, there is a deadbolt to contend with, as well as my pet tarantula (which roams freely about the apartment) that i never talk about because most of my friends are scared to death of spiders...but if you still insist on it, go ahead...

...well, i've committed my first act of breaking and entering...but it was into my own apartment, so i think i'm safe from the authorities...yeah, being the quintessential space cadet that i am, i ran out of the apartment last night without my keys, and 3 steps down the stairwell, that tiny part of my brain which is actually reasonable and on top of things (which obviously had been spacing out the previous 5 minutes or so, at least) snapped awake as i was about to take my 4th step and screamed, 'you idiot! you forgot your keys!' i have to give it credit, though, for waking up BEFORE i stepped out into the freezing cold and locked myself out of the building entirely, let alone my own apartment...i was supposed to be picking up teddy at 9pm from trader joes, but this obviously wasn't going to happen...so just about a week ago, teddy had called me at work jubilantly claiming to have broken into my apartment w/ a cta transit card...i couldn't find one in my wallet, and my ids and various cards were way to thick to do the trick...i used various bits of junk mail i could find and ripped those up pretty good...i reluctantly resorted out of sheer desperation to using the insert for my SY bad moon rising cd which i'd grabbed for the ride...i ripped that one pretty good too damn it...and then i searched the seemingly bottomless abyss that is my purse, and found not ONE but TWO CTA transit cards...crapola...i should've looked through my purse before resorting to my bad moon rising insert...it still took me a few minutes of jiggling and wiggling, but i did manage to break into my apartment...

...then i get down to my car, and it's got a lovely layer of snow, but just on the windshield in the front and back, and since i have wipers on both, i didn't think it would be a big deal, and i got in, turned on the engine, turned on both windshield wipers, only to be greeted by that SCRAPE SCRAPE sound of sheer ice refusing to budge...so i get out of the car and search my trunk for a snow/ice scraper, dropping the f-bomb to the north south east and west, and find a discarded piece of cardboard box instead...so i scrape my windshields w/ that the best i can, and w/ the wipers and wiper fluid, i manage to get the windows clean enough to be able to drive without endangering human lives...SHEESH...

...i'm not even gonna tell you about my blockbuster woes when teddy & i tried to get a video to go over to his brother's place...

see, now that thanksgiving's over, i'm back to bitchin' and moanin'...

on that lovely note, if anyone's interested, my friend nanette & the wicker park grace project are holding advent services every sunday starting tomorrow until the sunday before christmas from 6:30-7:30 pm @ st. paul's community church at 2215 w. north ave just west of cold comfort farm deli...we're combining art and music and reflection to make it an interactive experience...not really religious...it's welcome to people of all faiths and walks of life...this week's theme will be 'darkness (and possibility)'...i'm gonna lend nanette my sufjan stevens christmas cds to play some of the selections possibly...

ok...bye!

...last night was my first "traditional" all-american thanksgiving dinner at teddy's family's out in the burbs...there were 17 people there representing four generations--teddy's parents, 2 grandmas, siblings david, lauren & jay, dave's girlfriend ellen, ellen's mom lillian, teddy's aunt martha & uncle bob & his cousins vicky & connie & connie's husband ben & vicky's toddler mackenzie...we all sat around the biggest dining table i've ever seen outside a restaurant, and it was just absolutely lovely, like i've seen in the movies...teddy's mom made most of the food, including the turkey, which was succulently juicy from having been soaked in sugar-salt water for 12 hours prior to being roasted...there was creamed cauliflower soup w/ homemade cheddar crackers, a southern recipe cornbread stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, bean salad, cranberry sauce, cranberry relish, homemade rolls, and a salad of greens, fennel and citrus fruit...for dessert, teddy's little sister lauren was the barista and we all had our americanos, lattes, mochas, etc made to order with our pumpkin cheesecake that aunt martha made and cranberry tarts and apple pie-type pastry...we all had a lovely time chatting and laughing and feasting...we looked through connie's wedding photos, did jigsaw puzzles, had pingpong tourneys, played piano for each other, and just had a good time...teddy & i snuck some turkey out to the garage to sniper, their kitty cat, who is tiny compared to my aberdeen...teddy kept calling him abbey by accident...we headed back to the city around 10:30, and i let jay the youngest drive my subaru...he drove like a maniac but we all made it home in one piece...

...i have to say, i didn't really miss the rice & kimchee with my thanksgiving dinner last night...it was interesting to observe how thanksgiving is done outside a korean family...in some ways, it was more formal in that we were all seated at the table at the same time, but it was nice to have all the generations there sharing the festivities...teddy's folks have been very good to me, and i really appreciate being a part of their lives...the siblings especially...

...teddy & i did stop by my mom's on the way to his folks' place...we were glad we got to see her and my bro for thanksgiving too...they went to my uncle's in lake zurich for dinner, and i suppose we could've gone there later, but we were too tired, and i'm sure things there were over by 10:30...

...so the day after thanksgiving is one of the biggest shopping days of the year, and i normally avoid any place w/ a parking lot on such days, but teddy suggested that we go downtown to the watertower place and get coffee @ gloria jean's and people watch...so we headed down there midmorning and hung out for a couple of hours...it wasn't excessively crowded, probably due to the nippy weather, but there definitely were a lot of bodies going to and fro everywhere we went...we went outside and listened for awhile to the salavation army brass band that was playing in front of the john hancock building...i took some photos at the christmas tree in the plaza in front of the john hancock...it was a really tall tree, really simple, only decorated with colored lights and a small star at the very top...the simplicity of this tree was disarming, in the midst of all the splendor of michigan avenue, the magnificent mile, all decked out in its christmas season glory...

...at around noon, we headed back north towards trader joe's since teddy had to work at 1pm...we stopped in katerina's, that cafe/jazz club on irving park where i'd met w/ connolly & his fiance a couple weeks ago...i'd been meaning to take teddy there for a while now, and we didn't have a lot of time today but we had a quick lunch of bruschetta and spanakopita (spinach pie) and americanos...teddy really dug the place--the decor, the music playing on the stereo, the coffee, and the food...considering we only had 40 minutes, it was lovely...we're definitely going back there when we have time to lounge around...

...and now i am home in my cozy little attic, watching the neighbor's roof disappear beneath a white frosty powder snow...i just can't believe how lovely this weekend has been so far, and it's still only friday late afternoon...i normally wouldn't even be home yet from work...don't you just love it when you feel like you've had a full weekend and the real weekend hasn't even started yet? i just wish teddy were off from work too...oh well...we still get to spend a couple hours together before he goes off to work each day...

i can't believe december is already upon us...next year will be a busy one for me...i need to move the end of march, which will be a monumental task considering the amount of junk i own...i'll also be trying to finish getting certified as a compensation professional for work...then there's the question of what to do w/ my photography...i just wish someone with money out the wazu would become my patron or something...in the meantime, i am going to try to get some of my stuff printed in various formats just to see what it looks like off the web and on paper...i've also got a photo project in the works but that's a surprise that's gonna take about half a year to accomplish...i wonder what kind of photos i would take if i really TRIED...and then the music...the music!! i'll never have enough time or money for all the music...

...ok, i need a nap...god bless everybody good night!

been listening to--
loveless--my bloody valentine
shadows of--the waxwings
hark!--sufjan stevens

...happy thanksgiving folks!

...now you may all be wondering, did i wake up at this insane hour on a nonwork day just to wish you a happy thanksgiving? actually, yes, i did...i woke up at 7:30 a.m. with the silly excitement of a kid on christmas morning just cuz i'm gonna get to go to teddy's parents' house for thanksgiving dinner today...considering i didn't go to sleep until 1:30 am, i really should still be in bed, cuz lord knows there are not many thursdays during the year on which i can sleep for as long as i want...instead, here i sit in front of this computer, with my white melon tea wearing my holden caulfield hat, my toes exposed to the extreme cold in my apartment which i deal with every morning cuz i turn off the heat at night (my furnace generates a sound that i can only describe as the muffled roar of a busy bowling alley on a saturday night, and i've never tried sleeping in a bowling alley under such conditions so i turn off the heat every night and take cover beneath my down comforter)...

...so today is the day for giving thanks, eh? i know i normally bitch and complain but i know that the secret to a life of peace and joy is creative thankfulness...and what am i thankful for today? well, reflecting on the past year, this being the season whence such reflections are practiced, and beyond the basic gratitude for being alive without any major malfunctions in my body with a roof over my head, i would have to say that i'm not thankful so much for THINGS or SITUATIONS as i am for the people in my life, whether they're still in it or not...

...there are days when i'm like rod tidwell in jerry mcguire (yes, that movie is still only three days old in my mind) and i just wanna shout that i love my mom! i love my brother! i love my boss! i love EVERYBODY! and then there are those days when i hate the same people...but i don't actually hate them...when i really honestly think about the people who have loved me and cared for me during my several decades on this planet, what can i do but be grateful?

...and today is the one year anniversary of teddy's and my first dinner together...it wasn't a DATE date, but it was our first time really connecting...we'd gotten together to discuss why he'd left watchers, and we ended up talking about a whole bunch of stuff...it was so easy to talk to him...we were in the restaurant for 3 hours...and that was the start of a beautiful friendship...i am so grateful for my teddy...i have these moments, when i think about the joy that he's brought me these past months, i wonder how it can be that i should be so blessed...it's because of gifts like teddy that i still believe in a loving and gracious god who is on my side and not out to condemn me or nitpick at all my faults...i know in time all that will make more sense...

been listening to--
dollar movie--goner*
you can play these songs with chords--death cab fer cutie
lots of sam cooke

*can i just say something about this band, goner? the frontman and songwriter for this band is a guy named scott phillips who happens to be the twin bro of my local fave dan of zapruder point...i guess musical talent is in some ways genetic cuz scott is also a gem of a songwriter...this album, which i hadn't listened to in a long time but loved the first time i heard it, is really a beauty...they've got a new album out which i can't wait to hear...so if bands like death cab & pedro the lion aren't indie enough for ya, check these guys out...they're worth it...

...DISCLAIMER: i watched jerry mcguire last night...this may not be evident immediately, but it will become obvious a couple paragraphs later...

...so is honesty really the best policy? cuz if it weren't, i'd be several thousand dollars richer right now...yeah, the bank made a mistake and put money that didn't belong to me in my account...and before i could even be tempted to withdraw the mystery money, i called the bank...it would've been nice if the bank had given me a nice tip for taking the time out of my day to inform them of their error, but of course, in this day and age, who has the time or interest to reward good behavior, especially if you're a gargantuan megaentity like bankXXX...*sigh*...well, i figure a clear conscience is worth far more than a measly several thousand dollars...right?

and then you've got people like a certain somebody i know who pray for four thousand dollars cuz they need a new furnace and new washing machine, and lo and behold the next week they get a check for almost four thousand dollars from the mortgage company for an overpayment to their escrow account...i wish i had an escrow account...but with my luck, i'd probably get a bill for four thousand dollars at the end of the year for an UNDERPAYMENT...say la vee y'all...

...well, i do have some good news...my boss had a little performance appraisal talk with me yesterday, and apparently she's actually HAPPY with my performance this year! as opposed to last year when my productivity got shot to hell with events such as, oh, getting divorced, leaving the church, moving and increasing my commute by 300%, watching my dad die, you know, that kind of stuff...i was actually surprised that she was happy, cuz even though i did do a lot better than last year, you have to understand, before my dad died, i was a superproductive worker here...i guess i kinda lost interest in advancing my career and all that after spending a month in the hospital next to my dad...i watched him work like a dog for decades, and for what? it really changes the way you look at work...you want more than just a paycheck...you want what you do to be meaningful...and i think you can do that at any job, but you kinda need to go beyond the boundaries of the mere job description sometimes...like having meaningful relationships with people at work...or giving extra personal attention when you don't need to, especially when you work in a company of thousands of employees...i'm realizing more and more that just because we can't change our immediate circumstances to be the way we want them to be, does not mean we can't still be the person we aspire to be...kind, caring, compassionate, honest, courageous, fun...sometimes we have to change our surroundings from the inside out instead of making excuses...

i suppose this can also apply to the church...AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! i'm not gonna go there just yet...

ok, i lied, i am...

i read somewhere about how we can talk and complain about churches, how they're so imperfect, blah blah blah, and we can discuss what WE would want in a church if we could have it just so...but this guy i was reading mentioned how the christians he really really admired and respected just quietly served in these nondescript churches without all the flair and shebang and pizzaz of some of them fancy churches that have a fancy band or an eloquent preacher or a grand art gallery or all this postmodern emergent talk...and i think i kinda know what he's talking about...it's like those people don't limit their spiritual lives by what others may perceive as a church's weaknesses...i'm not saying you shouldn't look for the church where you feel comfortable and welcomed and all that but you have to realize that the church is imperfect because it is human...it's like what my old pastor steve nicholson said...he always tells the story of when he was a young man and he couldn't find a church that he thought was good enough and how an older christian woman finally confronted him one day and said that he kept looking for the perfect church, but that there was no such thing, and that even if there were, he'd probably go there and ruin it, meaning that his critical attitude and negativity were affecting not only himself but the people he was around...

i guess when it comes down to it, god's gonna be present in simple churches, fancy churches, main stream churches, alternative churches, postmodern churches, emergent churches, traditional churches, avant garde churches, etc as long as he's welcome there...

...but i'd still like a good band, is that so wrong? CALEB! PIERRE! TODD! move back to chicago, PULEEEEZE??? just kidding...ok, not kidding...

and today's photos are photos of CHICAGO and not of BOYS per SOMEBODY's request! you're welcome caleb!

been listening to--
reading, writing and arithmetic--the sundays
oddessey & oracle--the zombies
only with laughter can you win--rosie thomas
infinite keys--ester drang
rehearsals for departure--damien jurado
universal truths and cycles--guided by voices
my solo project--mates of state
the moon & antarctica--modest mouse
ancient melodies of the future--built to spill
where shall you take me?--damien jurado
now you know--doug martsch
spoon and rafter--mojave 3
time (the revelator)--gillian welch

...only in chicago can you go from 64 degrees fahrenheit to -2342563 celsius over a 24 hour period...alright, i'm exaggerating, but only a little bit...it really was 64 degrees F yesterday, and that's the truth...

...i was greeted by a world covered in a light dusting of snow when i looked out my bedroom window this morning...to accentuate the semi-lovely sight was a blast of arctic air desparately seeking the warmth of my furnace bursting in through the same said window...i swear, that window is leakier than a sinking submarine...i needs to do something about that cuz i was a pan asian popsicle by the time i woke up...it was pure torture getting out from under my down comforter just to turn the alarm off...

...as you may have guessed by now, i am a certified cold wussy...my first winter in the united states was the blizzard of '79, and i knew my parents had to have moved to the wrong America...i liked the America with the palm trees that i saw during our very brief busride changing planes in honolulu...alas, i have weathered a couple dozen chicago winters since, and the past couple ones, i kept saying to myself that it never gets this cold by the pacific ocean, and i waft into my daydreams of life on the left coast...and every year, around autumn, i find myself still in chicago, bracing for another chiller...

...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???? actually, nothing is wrong with me...my not moving to the west coast is actually a sign of sanity...you see, i have a job here in chicago that pays pretty much all my bills...the economy on the west probably could not provide me w/ a comparable job...at least not yet...i need a couple more years of compensation experience under my belt, a professional certification in compensation, maybe get recertified as an HR professional, and then i will have some ammo for a decent job in a warmer state w/ mountains and an oceanview...but for now, my strategy will be to wear many layers during these dark months...esp. now that i'm taking the metra and have to stand on a platform exposed to sun, rain, sleet, snow and wind, i have to be extra fortified for severe weather conditions...today, for example, not including my bra, i am wearing no less than 3 layers on top...in addition to my 3/4 length black coat w/ thinsulate, i wore my holden caulfield hat which covered my ears and my forehead, and i wrapped my face and neck in my long fleece scarf so that when i put on my sunglasses, there was no part of my face exposed to the elements...i didn't look in the mirror before i left because i knew that vanity would get the better of me, and i'd loosen up and possibly even shed some of the layers so i wouldn't look so idiotic...at least i was warm...

*sigh*...people in california don't have this problem...

...note for future reference: if you are eating a WASABI shrimp roll, you probably don't need to put the ENTIRE packet of wasabi into your soy sauce for dipping...unless you wanna burn a hole that goes from your sinuses straight through your brain and out of the top of your head...dumb, sarah...dumb...

...so i bribed teddy into letting me meet him for lunch @ trader joes by promising to bring subway sandwiches...it was unusually warm still at noon when i met him...very windy though...the dark grey clouds which had been threatening all morning to burst open any minute stopped being taken seriously by those caught up in the indian summerlike weather, and there were people hustling and bustling on the sidewalks and in the parks...teddy & i ate at the park bench in front of trader joes, but we had time remaining so i took him to a place i found beneath the 'L' tracks right off of grace...there was this employee parking lot there for one of the warehouses or factories on ravenswood, and right next to the parking lot beneath the tracks was this little patch of grass with two wooden picnic benches...

...i don't think we were supposed to sit there, but we did anyway...there were security cameras posted on the wall of the factory building, but i don't think we were in danger of getting in trouble...we were just sitting there holding onto each other tight against the force of the wind which was reaching tornadoesque speeds...it might be a nice little spot in the springtime when the weather's warmer and it's not so windy...a little sun wouldn't hurt either...

...as i headed home, the dark grey clouds decided there was just the right amount of people walking around and having fun outdoors to let 'em have it...i passed by two parks on damen driving home, and i chuckled to myself watching people scramble for cover...some of them seemed to be enjoying it...it's not often that you get warm rain in november here in chicagoland, so i can see how getting caught in the rain isn't as irksome as long as it's not 33 degrees out...but alas all this talk of warm weather will come to a sudden halt tonight, as the weather gods remember that it's november here in chicago, and temperatures plunge back to where they belong for this time of the year...there are whispers of snowfall for tomorrow...i'm glad i bought my mittens last weekend...i will be needing them for sure tomorrow...

...it's hard to believe that thanksgiving is already just around the corner...i will be spending it with teddy's family out in the burbs...it'll be a huge dinner with both grandmas and some extended family members plus the four kids (out of five) who still live in chicago plus me plus ellen (dave's girlfriend)...it'll be my first all-american thanksgiving, since year after year, i've had mainly rice & kimchee & chopchae & other korean foods with turkey & stuffing as more of an afterthought...i'm not even used to sitting around a table for thanksgiving, as in asian families the children get sent down to the basement or any other large room to accomodate us while the grown ups hog the dinner table...it'll be an interesting experience...

...tonight i am going to my friend nanette's for a pre-thanksgiving dinner...we're gonna watch the segment of the WTTW show that nanette & her wicker park project were featured on (all 3 minutes of it!)...i'm gonna make this apple cinnamon cake out of a box...like how hard could that be right? i have to chop apples though...should i peel them? i suppose if they're going in a cake i really should do w/out the peels, eh? oh well...here goes nothing...

been listening to--
end serenading--mineral
that is when he turns us golden--ester drang
helioself--papas fritas
the fawn--the sea and cake
mindsize--poor old lu

...so last night was the satellite booking benefit show @ the subterranean...4 bands in one night meant i was a busy girl with the camera...the first act was maxel toft and the lovely maid marion (a.k.a. kriss marion)...i've known kriss marion since i was like 19...i remember having her two older boys in sunday school...i remember when jake was barely 3 and eli was 4...and now they're teenagers?! goodness gracious...i think it's cool that kriss has raised 4 beautiful children and still finds the time to rock out and play shows...actually, the music she & max play are really simple folk songs, the kind i would like to write & play were i inclined to do such things...this duo has some of my favorite things--girl drummer, a banjo, a xylophone, simple songs...i thought they played especially well last night...go see photos here...kriss & her husband shannon have been unintentional influences on my life...kriss, for having her own style, and shannon for his integrity and compassion...shannon was the first person to get me to realize that i had been raised in a cult and to face the baggage that came with that...yeah, i was raised in a cult, but i'm not gonna go into that story today...

...after max & kriss was derek becker's very own band the security console/council/counsel (i have no idea what the correct spelling is), which includes jonny from the detholz! on the kit...this was my first time seeing a full set by these guys...go see photos here...i think i'd once posted that derek's voice is so emo...but this band is totally not emo...derek's voice occasionally reminds me of jeremy enigk's, but the band is a bit more broad than 'emo'...it's definitely indie rock, but what kind of a category is that? i don't know how to describe how a band sounds, which is why i'm not writing reviews for a music mag...but sometimes i'd say they've got a kinda psychedelic feel, and kinda like jazzfusionish sound...like they jam out and stuff, but they're not a jam band...oh no, not these guys...

...can i just say something about derek? just looking at him, you'd think he's a total indie rock hipster...he's got the hair, the pretty face, the figure, and oh my god a thrift store wardrobe to die for...he says 'right on' with just the right inflection...he drinks pbr (at least i've seen him drink pbr)...but you know what? when you get to know derek and actually talk to him, you realize that he is one of the sweetest, most genuine, most integrity-filled guys you will ever meet...and unlike most indie rock hipsters i've met, he is dependable and organized...which is why he makes such a good booking agent...i would trust derek with my credit card # and bank account...and did i mention he has a really hot wife? yeah, sorry girls...but she's as cool as he is if not cooler, which is a relief, cuz i can't stand when my guy friends are married to or going out w/ brats...oh, and the photo of derek's shoe is i think one of my all-time favorite shoe shots that i've done...it's kinda my signature...at every show i try to do a shoe shot...sometimes they come out and sometimes they don't...this one came out better than i could have expected...

...one of the acts that derek/satellite booking books for is annie quick from harlem, ny...annie is a talented girl rocker whose songs are poetry set to a pop/rock sound you won't hear every day...the first time i heard her live was when i went to see clem snide the beginning of april 2002...she was still playing under the moniker stickman jones then...and ryan beatty & jesse sprinkle were backing her up as well as jad her husband and webmaster extraordinnaire...i'd heard the name 'stickman jones' from the pastemusic.com site, but i'd never heard her music...i was impressed at how she rocked out which resulted in some cool long exposure shots where she looks like a dancing fairy goddess of light or something...anyways, annie's got new songs now and a new album coming out on paste records in february...i've really enjoyed the new songs that she's been playing at her live shows, so you can be sure her new album is going to be awesome...she sounded really good last night w/ andrew from the detholz! on drums (oh my god he's such a tight drummer!!!) and sweet lovely jonny on bass...i thought it was a good idea to have andrew play drums for her cuz it really makes the set tight to have such a technically and artistically excellent drummer laying down the beats...you can go see photos here of the show...

...the lovely detholz! headlined the show, and i think the suit jim was wearing was worth the price of admission...it was this pastel blue suit w/ yellow squares on it making the design of a pastel blue/yellow checker board...i don't know where he finds these suits...and for some reason, andrew looked like a catholic school boy in his white shirt & tie & slacks...that's not a bad thing in my opinion...teddy was a catholic school boy, although i don't think they had uniforms @ st. viador's...anyways, you can go see photos here from last night...it was another frenzied set from the detholz! who can be depended on for frenzied and frazzled yet supertight rock 'n' roll and potent propoganda...it's cool though cuz every show (and i go to a lot of detholz! shows) is different, even if they may use mainly the same setlist...you can't help but love jim's little speeches in between songs...and you never know what those guys are gonna be wearing...i like it when they wear ties...jonny looks good in a tie...like really classy...

...so that was quite a show last night, and all for a good cause...i really hope satellite booking succeeds cuz derek sure as hell deserves it...i got to see some mutual friends that derek & i have...like shannon, kriss's hubby, who was my intervarsity staff worker when i was at depaul...yeah, can you believe i helped start an intervarsity chapter @ my college? ha...those were the days...i was just going along w/ my friend syler thomas, really...he had to lead my by me ear kicking and screaming into everything we did...i also saw brad farris and ann boyd, who is now the staff worker @ depaul...goodness gracious, i just realized i didn't have a chance to say hi to linda, derek's wife cuz i was so busy taking photos...oh well...i'll see her soon i'm sure...

so last night before the show, i was about to email josh & nick @ paste to ask them why they haven't got sufjan stevens on their roster...i wondered if it was possible that they had never heard of sufjan...i was going to tell them to get with the program...well, they happened to be giving away the latest issue of paste magazine @ the show, and it's a good thing i didn't have time to send that email, cuz lo and behold, on page 116 there is a short review of his michigan album...i'm glad that paste is on top of things...i don't think they gave him enough stars, but 3.5 ain't bad i suppose...they also review rosie's new one and denison's recovered album in that issue...oh, and the compilation cd has a bill mallonee song on it (life on other planets) PLUS guided by voices, the weakerthans (these guys are catching on! i discovered them about 2 years ago and they were one of the first punk bands i dug), OTR, the innocence mission, and beulah, among others...it really is a pretty good music magazine...and they're the only nationally distributed magazine to have published one of my photos, so they're alright in my book...

ok...i'm all typed out...gonna go do something else...

been listening to--
hark!--sufjan stevens
michigan--sufjan stevens
didn't ever...hasn't since--marc olsen
give up--the postal service
old ramon--red house painters
let us garlands bring--early day miners

...real quick now...my friend derek becker has this booking agency called satellite booking...there is a benefit show for the agency tonight @ the subterranean (2011 w. north ave) @ 9pm for $10...maxel toft & maid marion (kriss marion, mother of 4 and all round cool lady) plus the security council (derek's current band) plus annie quick from NYC (cd release party!) and none other than the detholz! will create a memorable musical night...

why is there a benefit show for a booking agency? well, first of all, derek just started it not too long ago...second of all, derek busts ASS for his bands, and he's incurred a lot of expenses out of his own pocket to promote the folks he really really believes in...third of all, he is a lovely man with a lovelier wife to boot...4th, you wanna see these bands anyway...just tell the guy at the door sarah-ji sent you...(he'll give you a blank stare and ask for your ID and your money but what do you care, right?)...

see you laters alligators!

been listening to--
take a guess...i'll give you a hint...THE GREAT LAKE STATE...and HO HO HO!

update on abbey-the-cat a.k.a."fuzzbutt"...i got a thank you card from the folks that adopted him out in bensenville, il...they say, and i quote, "he has to be the most agreeable and loving cat around...we're all enjoying him so much already..."

*sigh*...yes, my abbey is an adorable all-be-it extremely large kitty...i remember back in february when pierre & his friend were visiting jamming on my guitars and pierre just gushed over abbey and asked me, 'how can you ever say no to him? he's so CUTE!!!' i guess he is cute...

but it's only been a few days...we'll see how much they still love him a year from now...

seriously, though, i am glad that he's doing well out there...and teddy & i are going to go visit him occassionally...

...wednesday was a beautiful day, except for the part where i had to work in the morning for a few hours...i took the day off just in case ryan & jesse drove by on their way to dansville...the short story on that is that they drove right through chicago, did not pass go, did not collect $200, no dinner, no beer, no songs, no hugs, no kisses, no nuthin' but a measly phone call promising a real visit soon and an invitation to come out to dansville...but still, it was a lovely day...teddy & i went to filter the coffeeshop where our dear jozka used to be the cook...i read while teddy worked on preparing for his first drum lesson w/ the son of a coworker @ trader joe's...i had my americano and teddy had his coffee and we got some grilled veggie & tofu that was really dee-lish...it was a lovely time of day to be hanging at filter, at the hour when the mid-afternoon almost winter sunshine pours in through the huge picture windows that overlook six corners...

...i love wicker park coffeeshops...you've got the yuppie types w/ their dell laptops surfing the wireless web...and then you've got the hipsters and their marlboros and camel lights and parliaments reading their hipster books...and you've got nice normal students studying anatomy or statistics...and then you've got couples like me and teddy who don't need sugar in their coffee cuz we're already sickeningly sweet to each other...ha ha! actually, i do put sugar in my americano, and cream as well, and teddy says i always use just the right amount...i don't know how the americano became my beverage of choice, but that's what i like...2 shots of espresso preferred...there's just something so beautiful about the light brown froth at the top of a freshly made americano...

...after being notified by ryan that they were not getting off the highway in chicago, teddy & i went over to the san marcos youth outreach center where nanette & kara & chris from our wicker park spirituality discussion group were doing art projects w/ the kids to use in the advent services coming up later this month and in december...nanette wanted me to take photos...the kids were pretty much done by the time we got there, but a few of them did a little more work so i could take some pictures...we were only there a little while cuz we had a 7:45 matrix revolutions show that teddy's bro jason got us tickets for...so yeah, we FINALLY saw the final matrix movie, and i have to say that i was disappointed...first of all, there wasn't enough kung fu fighting going on...2nd of all, it didn't make any sense to me the way it ended...it's like they couldn't come up w/ an ending and after months of writer's block, that's the best they could do...3rd, even the music was boring...i still like the first one the best i guess...oh well...on to lord of the rings!

so remember sufjan stevens, the dude whose new album i told all of you to run out and buy? well, he's got these 2 christmas albums that he was selling at his show...and i never thought i'd get into christmas music cuz i've never really liked most of the christmas carols when i was growing up...but the way he presents these songs, most of which are traditional but a few which are his own originals, it's just so beautiful and refreshing... is it the banjo? the xylophone? sufjan's lovely voice? i don't know...and now i have to find out how to get me many more copies of these albums so i can give them to my family and friends for christmas...my momma's gonna love these...

...so last night i went to see my friend denison play @ the subterranean...teddy & i got there in time to hear some of sufjan stevens's set...go see photos here...first of all, sufjan was playing a banjo, and in my book, a boy who plays the banjo can do no wrong...and sufjan not only did no wrong, he did right really really well! i loved his songs, and i bought his latest album, which is called GREETINGS FROM MICHIGAN "the great lake state"...all the songs on the album are about michigan, where sufjan is from...it made me think of my dear jozka who moved back to ann arbor and whom i often miss when i read good books or see beautiful things or have sad lonely thoughts...i must send this album to jozka...i think he'd love it cuz he loves the mountain goats, and i think sufjan's songs are just as poignant and moving as john darnell's...seriously, folks, this sufjan stevens dude is well worth investing money in, whether it's for live shows or his albums...and he's a really good writer too...he was giving away a short story he'd written that had won an award in a grad writing program he was in...i haven't read it yet, but i absolutely adore the title "we are shielded by the holy ghost"...oh, and the album...i listened to it this morning and it is a gem of an album...he plays like a bazillion instruments on it and a bunch of his friends play & sing w/ him too and it is just too lovely for words but not in that saccharine kinda way that makes you wanna poke someone's eye out but that kind of mysterious serene kinda way that makes you believe there is a god and that he is good and that we are in the middle of a big big giant bear hug from this god...i don't really know how to explain it, but it was a very worshipful experience for me to listen to that album...go buy it NOW!!! you won't regret it...

...anyways, it was good to see denison again...go see photos here...and would you believe he grew a BEARD?? my goodness...who would've thunk it...he said it makes him look more like a mountain man, which was the direction he was striving for...and i have to say, he's right...he looks like grizzly adams or something...i love going to denison's shows cuz i can sing along (or at least mouth the words) to every song because i've internalized just about all his stuff...but he did do one new song last night that was like a really beautiful lullabye and now i'm drooling for his new album, whenever that will be...denison's playing tonight in elgin and then tomorrow in madison @ the catacombs...i wish jesse & ryan were gonna be here for any of those shows...but they called me from the road and they wanna drive straight to dansville...they said they may stop by for a meal here in chicago...i could just throttle them!! i mean, they were supposed to VISIT as in hang out...but oh well...jesse's gotta get home to his family...i'm gonna make them come and do a proper visit soon though since they're only 9 hours away now...

i took today off, and oh what a lovely day it is...teddy & i are gonna go walk in the warm sunshine and drink coffee @ filter's and read books and be all lounging around and shit...i love spending daylight hours with my teddy...our schedules are so outta whack sometimes it gets hard...

that's all i have to say for now...

been listening to--
greetings from michigan--sufjan stevens BUY THIS ALBUM
seen & unseen: a benefit for the evergreen center for street youth--various artists incl. denison & sufjan & OTR & 16HP & even frank black

...i am getting serious flack from teddy about giving abbey away...i had no idea he would be so sad...i mean, i'm sad too, don't get me wrong...i've had that fuzz butt for over 7 years...he's the closest thing to a kid that i've ever had...i mean, it was getting downright unhealthy for abbey to keep living with me...you have to understand that until march of 2002, i lived in a pretty spacious two-floor condo out in the burbs w/ a private little yard and everything...abbey was an alley cat before i adopted him when he was a wee 5 months old...he NEVER accepted the indoors...i remember when i lived in an apartment in rogers park, he'd be waiting at the door when i came home from work, and as soon as i started opening the door, he'd wiggle past me and shoot down those stairs in a desparate dash for freedom...and when we lived in the burbs, he had plenty of freedom to roam, although he never went as far as his step brother bug, whom i'd found as far away as along lake ave, a busy 4 lane road w/ a speed limit of 45 mph...abbey liked to go for walks, but he really loved to lounge in the yard and just mellow out...since he's lived w/ me in my little attic apartment here in the city, he's had barely a window to look out of...i was starting to think he needed prozac...i remember when i used to take him to the vet, and he was always the smallest of the 3 cats i had back then...he never weighed more than 11 or 12 pounds...well, when teddy took him to the vet on friday, he weighed in at a whopping 18.5 pounds!!! that's just wrong...hopefully, being back in the burbs where he'll have the freedom to come & go as he pleases will make him less lethargic and put him in some sort of shape other than ROUND...

*sigh*...is that not an adorable picture of abbey & teddy? i don't know who loved whom more...abbey sought affection from teddy that he never sought from me...like always lying in the crook of teddy's arm when they would watch tv together...somehow he knew to ask me for food, so i was basically the maid...food, water, clean the catbox...but teddy was the one abbey really adored and was devoted to...

tonight, my friend denison is playing @ subterranean...this dude named sufjan stevens is opening up for him...he sometimes plays w/ the danielson famile i hear...he seems really nuts, in a good way...i hear his music's great though, so i'm looking forward to the show...his new album is all about the state of michigan, which is where he's originally from...i read an article on him in the CMJ new music report, and he said he wants to make an album for each of the 50 states...now that's a big project...

i think i'm gonna call ryan and jess and see how far along they are...i hope they get here tomorrow night...it'll be so good to see them, as short a visit as it'll be...

i did laundry sunday night and i vacuumed half my apartment last night...tonight i'll try to organize my cds some more and try to figure out how to sleep 3 boys in my apartment...my air mattress has been leaking air so maybe i'll try to find the hole tonight...jesse's little, so i'm not worried about him, and i have no idea how big their friend jeremy is, and ryan is just a GIANT...he can sleep in my bed diagonally and take up the entire mattress...or let his feet dangle off the sofabed or air mattress...his choice...

i took thursday off, so i'll be able to cook for them in the morning before they have to take off...i love big breakfasts! hmm...i'll have to think up a menu and go shopping...esp for beer...

been listening to--
recovered--denison witmer
black out--the good life
team boo--mates of state
our constant concern--mates of state
emotions--alaska!
poses--rufus wainwright

my friend from high school steve elliott is gonna write a book about the 2004 elections...can you believe it's less than a year away from picking a president again? here's an editorial steve wrote about the howard dean campaign...howard dean is the former governor of vermont, home of ben & jerry's ice cream, and a democratic presidential candidate...you can read about him here...

...well, it turns out ryan beatty & jesse sprinkle my holiday runner/serene boys just left seattle a few hours ago...and are on their way to my apartment...let's see...they're driving to spokane tonight...that leaves 1800 miles to wicker park...if they're BOTH driving vehicles, i know jesse hates to drive, so maybe they'll get here thursday...actually, i think that's under dispute cuz ryan in his email said they'd get here wednesday, and jesse's email said they'd get here thursday, which is kinda funny...either way, i just hope they stay until friday night when annie (quick) plays w/ the detholz! @ subterranean...too bad they'll miss denison's show tuesday night...maybe we could make the elgin show on wednesday or the madison show on thursday...i'm sure they'd love to see mr. witmer...my first real connection to jesse was over a denison witmer song...

...alright jesse just called me, and i guess they're getting here wednesday night, but they really have to be in dansville, ny by thursday so i'm really disappointed they'll miss BOTH denison AND annie...aw shoot...oh well...but like he said, now they're only one day away as opposed to 3.5 haul-ass days, so they could come back and visit whenever now...

...so i'm supposed to be cleaning the apartment, now that i'm catless and all...teddy & i even borrowed my mom's oreck vacuum today after church...his instructions to me before leaving for work were to sweep first and THEN vacuum...and i proceeded to take a 3 hour nap after he left...but i guess now i HAVE to start cleaning cuz i'm doing my 12 hour work day tomorrow, and i seriously am out of clean underwear and socks...that means i have to carry that mega hamper of mine down to my car all by myself...funny how i used to always do it by myself and since teddy showed up, i've been spoiled and got him to carry that thing every time i happened to be doing laundry...but i must do it alone today cuz lord knows the laundry needs doing or ryan & jesse will have only a face towel to share and shower with...

ok...i got permission from jeremy to do whatever i want w/ the guns 'n' moses photos...i hope that means i can post them cuz that's what i'm doing...please...it's rated R so if yer one of them visually easily shocked folks, don't click on this here link...god help us all...

...so yesterday was me & teddy's 9 month anniversary...we celebrated by going to thai lagoon on north ave across from the handlebar...thai lagoon is apparently the hipster thai place...they've got quite a cd collection and the non-smoking section is merely hypothetical...we saw chrissy the drummer from michael's old band the hex there...after dinner, we went to the double door for the mahjong/watchers/james chance & the fibbs show (fibbs=watchers)...as usual, i tried to sneak in my camera, but the dude at the door went through every nook and cranny in my purse and i got caught and he made me take the camera back to my car, which sparked a cussing tirade out of me (not really) down north ave...i just don't get that policy...i don't take flash photos, so who cares if i use my camera or not? i feel like my freedom of speech is compromised whenever i'm not allowed to take photos for no good reason...ESPECIALLY when it's my friends who are playing in the show and would WANT me to take photos...i wanted to get a photo of ethan playing w/ james chance, that's all...oh well...

...anyways, james chance was the frontman for the 80's no-wave band the contortions and he was a big influence on michael & the bands he's been in...so for watchers to be asked by james chance to play as his backup band for his little midwest tour must have been exciting for those boys...they did a great job too...james chance is not exactly young anymore, but he's still pretty nuts...it was good to see the boys from watchers again...ethan didn't wear his signature beret, but i thought he looked good without it...i just wish i had some pictures...grrrrr...

...so most of the guys from the band lying in states (who share the basement practice space with watchers) were there...if you remember, lying in states have an alter ego called guns 'n' moses, who played w/ the detholz! @ the bottom lounge on halloween...jeremy, the keyboardist, plays moses, who in turn playes axl rose...so jeremy was @ the show last night, and he told me that the guys found my blogger when they were doing a google search on their band...at first they thought some girl had a crush on jeremy until they realized it was ted's girl's blogger...i told jeremy i had a bunch of photos of him in his underwear on stage from that night and that i was gonna save those photos until lying in states hit it really big and then i was gonna blackmail him...now i really don't think jeremy embarrasses quite all that easily, and i did tell him i would put together his own page, but i'm not gonna link to it unless he gives me permission since he is a nice boy and teddy thinks quite well of him and all the boys in LIS...

...we saw a bunch of other folks there like damon & wayne from the eternals/trenchmouth, the dude from reckless who also dj'ed the watcher metro cd release party, ryan from trader joe's who's teddy's skating buddy, isaac green ethan's good friend and former bandmate in the skalars, and various other hipster fixtures from the neighborhood...i told teddy to call teal pheal at the last minute, and he came just in time for the watchers set...it was good to see phil again...i'm so glad he lives in logan square now...even though he's super super busy going to art school @ the 'tute, we see him a lot more than we would were he still in brooklyn or missoula or even the 'burbs where his folks live...and i think teddy really liked having him at the show w/ us cuz then he had someone to share rounds of beer with...i'm such a wussy drinker...i really hate drinking period...i think i got it all out of my system back when olarn and i used to run around town together a couple summers ago...

...so i met connolly & his fiance chris @ katerina's for coffee & to see his photos from josh's wedding, since i happened to forget to take my camera the day of the wedding and ended up w/ absolutely zippo pictures of my own best friend's wedding...so now i can finally post a photo (or actually, a photo of a photo that connolly took) from the wedding...i look funny in a fancy dress, don't i? and my hair all in an updo? but teddy looks good in a suit, that's for sure...that dress...i don't know how many hours of lost sleep can be attributed to that dress...

alrighty...tomorrow, i am taking abbey to my x's and from there, he's off to his new life as a professional mouser...teddy keeps begging me to keep him but i know he'll be much happier in the burbs...this apartment will seem lonely without him...no little nose peeking under the door as i come up the stairs...no more lawn mower purring sounds in the middle of the night...no more fuzzy head butts into my hand demanding to be petted...*sigh*...

been listening to-
the argument--fugazi
mass suicide occult figurines--john vanderslice

...for brunch today teddy & i were going to go to chicago diner on roscoe & halstead, one of the best places in chicago for vegeterian dining...but as we were about to cross halstead from our car, i noticed a place i had never seen before, a cafe called hearty boys...it turns out they're a catering biz with a storefront cafe, and they serve breakfast all day long! the decor inside looked warm and inviting, so teddy & i thought, what the heck, let's try something new! i was actually drawn in by their mission statement stenciled on their front window: 'good stuff, not stiff, cute staff!' now how could you beat that? and they were true to their word indeed...i ordered an americano and teddy ordered the house blend, and we got them in these huge tall glasses! my americano was very good...they serve intelligentsia, of course, the coffee of choice here in chicagoland...the staff was indeed cute and very nice...teddy liked it that one of the staff would call me sweetie in this really nonthreatening manner, if you know what i mean (hint: we were in boy's town)...their menu wasn't terribly expensive (you could eat a whole breakfast anywhere from $4 to $9), and the coffee was good and cheap in my opinion, compared to the likes of starbucks or some other pricier coffeeshops...our food was yummy, and the overall dining experience was very pleasant...it was a cold gray moist november saturday outside, and it was lovely to be in the warm friendly surroundings inside the hearty boys...teddy & i highly recommend this place for breakfast or anytime of day for that matter...

...after our meal, we went shopping in the belmont/clark district...i was looking for a pair of mittens to replace the pair i destroyed by soaking them w/ gasoline during my little mishap when my little red subaru ran out of gas that snowy yucky day last march...those poor mittens were transformed into instant firestarters, so i didn't even try to wash them cuz i was afraid the gasoline would just get on my other clothes or whatever...anyways, it's been getting rather chilly in the windy city these past few days, so i needed another pair of mittens...we went to the architectural revolution, which is connected to the alley...they have all kinds of shit in this place...from s&m paraphernalia to wooden flowers to hackey sacks to silver jewelry...we spent a lot of time there, and i found some mittens that were kinda like my last ones, but i decided against it...we went over to ragstock instead, and i found my mittens there...i actually found the exact same pair that i'd turned into a fire hazard, but instead of those i got this pair of plain wool mittens lined w/ warm soft fleece...

...uhm ok i gotta run & meet connolly now...more later...

...i had some really wacky dreams last night...first i dreamed that denison came to town (which he is gonna do next tuesday) and he was playing a show @ subterranean by my apartment...i was complaining to him that he didn't have his tour dates on his website until the last minute (which he didn't)...and then i gave him a big hug and told him how much i loved his 'recovered' album, that i'd been listening to it over and over again and that he should be a covers artist (which makes no sense...i would never tell deni to just sing covers all the time!) and sing in karaoke bars and that he'd make a killing cuz he's so good...and then deni asks me whether he should be a UK covers artist or an american covers artist, which i really didn't have an answer for...

...and then all of a sudden i was on a moped (a pretty blue one!) riding beneath the belly of chicago's loop, except it didn't look anything like lower wacker drive, and there were these train tracks that you rode or drove on and you had to be careful because you had to share them with actual trains, and the signals to warn you of oncoming trains weren't really that good...so i'm riding my moped dodging these underground trains that aren's realy subways and i'm suddenly in the apartment that lielle & josh stayed in while she was doing magic flute @ the lyric almost 2 years ago, and i'm riding my moped through this apartment from the back porch, and the owners are home, and i just hope they don't notice me, and i sneak out the front, and i'm going down those long flights of stairs, and i think to myself that it seems higher up than it used to be and i notice that the carpet is now beige with blue stars and not green anymore...

...and i'm out the door riding my moped, wondering how long it will take me to get to teddy's apartment, and i'm wondering if it would be dangerous to get my cell phone out to call teddy and tell him i'm on my way...and i'm riding down devon and then south on clark, and i'm thinking i'm making pretty good time...

...and then i'm in another dream which is really a movie...i'm inside a ladies room and there are these dwarf women in there, and there are these other little women who are not exactly dwarves who are picking on the dwarf women, and then i'm a dwarf and trying to escape these women by crawling through the bathroom stalls and as i'm escaping, i notice one a normal sized woman and it's sigourney weaver and she's covered in blood sitting inside a stall, moaning...i run out of the bathroom, and i'm not a midget anymore, and there's this war going on, and i get caught by the bad guys and they force me and members of my family (suddenly my cuzin kris is with me as well as one of my aunts) to follow them through this structure that looks like grand central or union station or some other big train station like building...we are taken in a group to a place that has a window and all of a sudden, i see the sky is turning black, and there are these huge bombers flying over our heads, and i watch a burnt orange church steeple topple over like a toy building being thrown to the ground by an overly zealous child, and i see smoke and blackness everywhere, and i know the city is burning outside...

...ok...i think that's enough of that dream...

but seriously, denison's playing subterranean on tuesday nov 18th @ 8pm...sufjian stevens this goofball is opening up for him...be there...

been listening to--
only with laughter can you win--rosie thomas
summerteeth--wilco
ocean beach--red house painters

my friend and teacher of all things jesus and punk rawk left me this comment regarding my last last post, and i thought it was worth posting somewhere not so hidden away:

"isn't it amazing what ppl will do? wedding suicide attempts and all that. it makes you wonder if there was a world once when that stuff made a difference(ok mom, i won't do it. you must be right, and i must be totally wrong!), or if things have become so anti-commitment/family/stability etc. that previously sane ppl are now considering violent/manipulative ends in a vain gesture towards restoration of something that we've really lost...
it doesn't mean that wedding drama etc. is right, but it sure does echo of loss and pain not clownish intensity. maybe they are remembering some goodness that we traded away...a knowledge we traded along time ago, we bartered it off for these rags we call clothes. and we learned how to fake it and remake it on cue...(but Lord, i swear we never stopped needing You. let us remember...)

or...maybe the parents are just sad b/c they don't get to raise their kids anymore...its the merits of freud and darwin on mtv and they're drugged, laid, overpaid, so beautiful, so deadly boring...

what has become of our fortunes? let our eyes be reopened to see the inhabitation of God in the world...

let us remember."

yeah...my comment about korean parents threatening to commit suicide @ their kids' weddings is based on a true story...my friend's parents really did threaten to commit a double suicide at his wedding if he married "that girl" who, to them, didn't come from a good enough family...they got over it after the first grandkid (grandkids will smooth over ANYTHING in the korean family)...i don't know if his wife ever got over the feelings of inadequacy and insecurities she must have felt at her in-laws' rejection...

the reality of today's family is dysfunction and brokenness and distance and absence...i want to think that i had a happy family life, but the reality is that we were fucked up too, just like so many other families, pastor's kid or not...i think most of us are ready and willing to admit to the messiness that is our families...but what to do about it? i know i don't communicate with my mother and brother the way i should...i know that what my mother really wants from me is acceptance and affection and acknowledgment, free gifts i withhold because i am afraid of being close to her...

there has got to be a way to break the cycle of dysfunction, and yet i find myself powerless...

like caleb said, i too need to see "the inhabitation of god in this world..."

check this out...beatle bob and gbv...together on video forever...god bless beatle bob....

...it's sad but true...i must bid adieu...after over 7 years...to my big hairy roommate...my cat aberdeen is moving out to the burbs cuz he's got himself some gainful employment...one of my x's student's moms needs a mouser, and abbey loves chasing mice, so he'll be packing up and shipping out by this weekend...teddy was sad when i told him the news, but it has to be done...my apartment is just way too tiny...abbey's grown quite attached to teddy over the months...he always did have a bit of a gay streak in him...always prefered goodlooking boys to a mere female such as myself...

...it had been a while since i'd heard from bruce (my x)...sounds like he & ellie are doing really well...her dad even invited him out to korea for the holidays...that means it's pretty much a done deal that they view him as their future son-in-law...good for him...it's a lot better than when her parents were threatening to disown her if she had anything to do with him...korean parents...they're always threatening to come to your wedding & commit suicide or something...the ultimate drama kings and queens...

...in the nervewracking news department, my mom went in yesterday for a biopsy...her last mammogram revealed something strange, and the doctors want to examine her further...we'll find out the results of the biopsy tomorrow, but for now, i don't know what to think...no use worrying yet...i've always wondered in the back of my mind what it would be like if my mom got terminally ill...at least with my dad, i had my mom...but if i had to care for my mom on my own, i just don't know if i could handle it...i don't even wanna think about it...

been listening to--
under the same stars--the prom
mercury--american music club
recovered--denison witmer
rehearsals for departure--damien jurado
it's hard to find a friend--pedro the lion
our constant concern--mates of state
burning my travels clean--rocky votolato
sleeping on roads--neil halstead
s/t--owen
perfumed letter--bill mallonee
you are free--cat power

...ok...waxing HURTS!!!!...ouch...my poor skin-around-my-eyebrows...but i have nice clean eyebrows now which is always a plus...it took all of 5 minutes...

...i have lost my boyfriend to some video game at his brother dave's...boys will be boys...it's just as well...now i can control the clicker...

...i think i am going to save up for a moped...they're not that expensive...and they're cute as hell!

...i am currently amusing myself with this site...

...i am currently eating some very bland vegetable soup and regretting it...if there's one thing i can't stand, it's bland food...if yer gonna put it in that orifice on yer face that connects to the plumbing innards of your makeup, it should at least not taste bland...it can be bitter or sweet or sour or spicy...but not bland...koreans don't do bland food...except for mook, that tasteless gelatanous stuff that you have to drown in soy sauce and scallions and sesame seeds for it to have ANY taste whatsoever...

...anyways...

...i'm getting my eyebrows waxed today...i've never done it before and i have no idea what it entails, but meggin, lielle's maid of honor, told me it's the best $8 she spends every month, and she has very nice eyebrows...i think i'm spending more than $8 for the convenience of a wicker park salon...teddy's probably gonna choke when he finds out how much i'm spending, which is i don't know how much, but i'm only gonna do it this once, and if it's too traumatic of an experience, i'm never gonna do it again...

...i have this strange desire to purchase a moped...it's strange cuz it's november now and no sane person should be thinking about riding a little motorized bicycle around the windy city in the dead of winter, which lasts for 5 months in these regions...nevertheless, i will admit to visiting ebay...

...speaking of ebay, remember that casio vl-tone that i purchased off ebay recently? well, i don't remember if i mentioned receiving it or not, but i did, and teddy turns out to be quite good on it...not only has he learned to play the star wars theme (it only took him all weekend!) but he's also quite nimble at creating interesting melodies by smacking me on the ass with it...i do love that little thing...ah, the memories...well, i don't really have SPECIFIC memories, but just general ones of childhood, back when i was mesmerized for hours recording little diddies on that thing...*sigh*....

...i wonder when i'll accept the fact that i can't return to the days of paper dolls and coloring books and lego (unless i become a full-time mom which i don't foresee for myself)...remember the show thirtysomething? if you do, you're dating yourself, but then again so am i...remember how OLD everyone on that show seemed??? and to think i now qualify...AGHHHHH...i'm older than damien jurado...that's what it all boils down to...the day i found out i was older than damien jurado was the day i REALLY started feeling old...

...but enough of that nonsense...

been listening to--
where shall you take me--damien jurado
only with laughter can you win--rosie thomas
rehearsals for departure--damien jurado
the postal service (yes, i FINALLY got the postal service album...*sigh*...ben's voice...makes...me...swoo-o-o-o-o-n....)

...well, i'm back in the saddle, folks...thanks to all the well-wishers who ordered me to stop puking and to take care of myself...except for some pflegm in the chest and a hacking cough, i'm a million times better...

...teddy & i got to go see rosie thomas & damien jurado play yesterday @ schubas...i was really happy teddy got to go because i wanted him to see two artists who have been very important to me in my personal listening habits as well as my fantasy life as a singer-songwriter...rosie was sick and out of it, but she was hilarious as always...brian, her brother, played keys w/ her and eric played guitar...the only one missing was andy myers on drums...damien & rosie had brought someone named justin to play the drums, and i'm sure he's sweet and all, but he's no andy myers...anyways, photos are here for rosie...i didn't really take any of damien...he's not all that photogenic, ya know...actually, i didn't try all that hard to take photos cuz i was more into the music...i really love him mostly for his music...damien played a bunch of songs from rehearsals for departure, and he even closed w/ a full-band (well, as full a band as you're gonna get on this tour) version of honey baby, which is my favorite upbeat damien jurado song...that was fun to sing along to!

...i hope rosie & damien come back through chicago sometime soon, although damien said he might not be back until next fall...i haven't heard their new albums yet, but i really liked the songs they did at the show...

...i also went to church yesterday, believe it or not...teddy & i went to the humboldt park vineyard cuz it's so close to my apartment...it was nice to be totally anonymous, but you still stick out like a sore thumb in a mostly hispanic church when you're a 5'3" korean girl sporting pigtails with your 6' skinny white boyfriend...it was nice and small...definitely close and convenient...they have this percussion lady on their worship band who was really cool...

...i think i gotta give sam a call and see what he's up to...

...in other news, i heard that ester drang got in a really bad head on collision after their st. louis show a couple of weeks ago and they lost most of their gear, their van was totalled, but not one of them was injured...i'm so glad none of them was hurt...it made me think about all these musicians on the road, especially the ones i really care about who tour incessantly (i.e. bill mallonee) often on more caffeine than sleep...and me, i complain about having to drive 30 miles to work once a week...makes you think about lighting candles or buying a st. christopher medallion...

...all you travelers out there, please be careful...

been listening to--
in between ep--rosie thomas
time (the revelator)--gillian welch
measure--matt pond pa
team boo--mates of state
start here--the gloria record
happy sad--tim buckley
and then nothing turned itself inside out--yo la tengo

...all that comfort food...wasted on the toilet...

...well, i spoke too soon last night...i started feeling nauseous sometime after smallville, and i basically didn't stop throwing up until midday today...needless to say, i was dehydrated, and when i got to the doctor's office, my bp was not stable, and the doctor hooked me up to an iv right there in the office...he wanted to put me through 2 liters, but after 1 bag, i was stark raving mad with hunger and bolted...i had this intense craving for french fries (probably my need for salt) and forced teddy to go through a wendy's drive thru...

i'm not so queasy now, but the doctor doesn't want me back at work for another few days...i'm getting mighty bored...

well, the good news is, i feel much better (except when i'm coughing)...the bad news is i probably have bronchitis...olarn, a personal expert on bronchitis and pneumonia called me and told me what the symptoms for bronchitis were, and i had all of them, pretty much...so i'm gonna try to go see a doctor tomorrow and nip this in the bud before it turns into pneumonia...

...and my comfort food for when i'm sick? pb&j on toasted bread, ice cream sandwiches, and lots and lots of juice...

and now i'm home sick with the flu...i've hardly been out of bed the past 24 hours...ugh...that's about all i have to say about that...

BRAND NEW--or almost brand new...it's actually been around since yesterday, but i wasn't letting the world know yet...there's a guestbook up there if you feel like saying hi...only if you feel like it...please don't say anything mean because my boyfriend reads this from time to time and he might kick your ass...i have your best interest in mind...

or you can just leave a comment for a specific entry too...

all this new functionality...sheesh...don't everybody speak up at once now...

...so i'm driving home from dropping off a friend at the fullerton 'L' station last night and i'm listening to pedro the lion's it's hard to find a friend, and then it hits me...

"but if all that's left is duty, i'm falling on my sword
at least then, i would not serve an unseen distant lord"
(from secret of the easy yoke by pedro the lion)

was this the conclusion elliott smith came to? did he fall on his sword because there was no good news left for him?

...we'd been discussing (teddy, teddy's bro dave, dave's girlfriend ellen & dave's best friend keom & i) over pizza just an hour before my epiphany how strange it was that elliott chose a knife as his mode of exit from this world...and then i hear that song in my car not even 15 minutes after dinner...

so i drive down webster with a big lump in my throat wondering how frayed and tattered the end of elliott's rope had become that he'd lost all hope of hanging on and had put a knife to cut that final tie...the big lump in my throat is for elliott smith and for all the other boys and girls, men and women out there who are hanging by a much weathered and too strained rope who have been given only a list of do's and don't's by an unseen distant lord...

and here's all of that song, which has been one of my anthems these past couple years...

"i could hear the church bells ringing
they peeled aloud your praise
the member's faces were smiling
with their hands outstretched to shake
it's true they did not move me
my heart was hard and tired
their perfect fire annoyed me
i could not find you anywhere

could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all

the devoted were wearing bracelets
to remind them of why they came
some concrete motivation
and the abstract could not do the same
but if all that's left is duty, i'm falling on my sword
at least then, i would not serve an unseen distant lord

could someone please tell me story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all

if this only a test
i hope that i'm passing, cuz i'm losing steam
but i still want to trust you

peace be still
peace be still
peace be still"

~secret of the easy yoke by pedro the lion (david bazan)

...i just got a 45 minute lecture (all loving of course) from my friend olarn, and he said something that really hit me...he said, 'just don't sabotage yourself...' and it was really meaningful to me because i think i DO sabotage myself...i create unnecessary drama and pain for myself because under no circumstances could i possibly allow myself to be happy, now could i...

...i do want to choose joy...self-flagellation is not becoming of anyone...

...did i mention that the detholz! show we went to friday night had captured by robots headlining? captured by robots is not really a BAND band, or maybe it's the ideal band if you're cheap or paranoid of other humans or you're the son of a mechanical engineer...it's basically one dude who built all these robots which play these crazy instruments he built...they talk too...it kinda looks like the cover of sonic youth's 'bad moon rising'...anyways, he's doing this extensive tour across the country and even into canada...he's come up w/ the musical version of the movie 10 commandments, and each of the robots play a different character from the movie...the show has 10 songs covering various styles of music from various scenes in the movie...basically, the human dude (JBOT) projects various parts of the movie on the wall, which he kept pointing to and telling the audience 'watch the movie!' and then at certain points, he'd have these exchanges w/ his BOTS on stage, with him (JBOT) playing moses, and the other BOTS assuming the roles of other characters such as ramses or nefertiri...then they would perform a song...yes, JBOT & the other BOTS...it's all quite amazing...

...teddy & i only stayed for the first 3 songs cuz it was already 1 am by this time and teddy had to be in the burbs by 9am for family stuff...now this show ranges from comical to profane, but it was definitely worth my 10 bucks even for just 3 songs since i also got to see the detholz! and guns 'n' moses (lying in states' 'other' band with jeremy the keyboard player playing axel, uhm, i mean MOSES)...

...i spent pretty much all day saturday plotting my escape from corporate america, but i won't be revealing that plan here until a more opportune time...

...and now it's sunday morning and i wanted to go to church this morning but the question is, 'what church?' and the obvious answer would be 'hyde park vineyard' or that would be caleb's answer, but now that pete & amy moved back to long island and i can't find sam anywhere, and it's all the way down on the southside, and it meets so darn early for a sunday morning...i thought i'd find another church here on the north side maybe...so i checked out the humboldt park vineyard website, which meets like less than a mile away from me, but the thought of going to another vineyard was scary to me since my dad was a vineyard pastor, and actually my brother jim went to the humboldt park vineyard a long time ago before he found the evanston one, and i'm sure ray & teresa don't remember me, but still, those churches always talk to newcomers and i'd rather be anonymous or have total strangers talk to me...then i checked out the website for grace covenant, which is where derek becker of satellite booking goes, but i just read too many names i knew on the website alone...good gosh, i think half the evanston vineyard from the early-to-mid-90s era moved to that church...legendary names like sahyouni & hider...

...so i'm just sitting here listening to the sonic youth twiddling my fingers over a keyboard...

...i did find out that the humboldt park vineyard has an alpha course, which i think maybe teddy & i can go through together...the alpha course is like an exploratory study of christianity in a non-threatening environment...you can ask whatever questions you want, and it goes over the big questions...i've heard positive things about it in the past...i dunno...i mean, you can't really package a life-changing faith into an 8 week course, can you? i just don't see choosing your walk of faith as a mere intellectual exercise...it's gonna grip you or it's not...the only reason i've chosen to stick around in the realm of christianity is cuz this dude jesus really grips me...i like him...i just don't think i know him as well as i'd like...none of the other religions really have anything that grabs me like this dude, ya know? i mean, they say nice things and all, but a lot of it just feels like creme puff after awhile, and i can't take 'em seriously any more...

...and i keep going back to this thing that bill mallonee told me not too long after my dad died last year, something about the communion of saints that the catholic church believes in, and how he believes that my dad is still somehow involved in my life...so he's gotta be looking out for me, right? and i guess another reason i'm still stuck on the whole christianity thing is because of my dad...i mean, he was pretty amazing for a 60-something-year-old-korean-vineyard-pastor/fomer-missionary-for-a-cult/former-front-page-news-reporter/former-alpine-mountain-climbing-team-leader...my dad reinvented himself like a dozen times in his life, so that gives me hope...and i haven't forgotten that in the last days of his life, my dad extended to me a grace & mercy & love that was supernatural, that i can't explain in words, that had to be coming from a source other than himself...

...anyways, totally off the topic, but i'm listening to hidari mae's s/t right now so i have to go grab a box of kleenex...andy myers' voice is so haunting sometimes i get shivers...i can't wait for their next album...and i wish they'd tour...like i don't see why they can't just hop on the road w/ damien & rosie, i mean c'mon, then damien wouldn't have to find another drummer every time he toured, and rosie could have her drummer as well...really, i wish andy would tour mour...and i mean to places other than europe...i realize the midwest may not be much compared to the likes of amsterdam, but still...that's no reason to dis us...actually, andy is one of the sweetest boys in indie rock that i've ever met, and i know he'll make it out here someday...day jobs...holding UP or holding BACK the world of indie rock?

...i'm one to talk...but then again, i'm just a photographer, not a rocker, so i don't need time off to tour or anything...

...speaking of damien jurado and rosie thomas, they're playing two shows next weekend @ schuba's so c'mon out & say hi...i dunno which show i'm going to yet, but i'll definitely be at one of the two...

...and speaking of day jobs, teddy's been considering joining a band again, but it's the same issue for him...he don't wanna be broke again...paying bills and paying them on time are good things...but i think it would be good for him to start drumming again w/ a band that's maybe a style of music he hasn't played too much of, just for fun, like a jazz band or reggae or something...he's too good of a drummer not to be using his talent...

...watchers (teddy's old band) seem to be doing well though...they're doing a mini tour w/ james chance of the contortions, AND they're playing as james chance's back up band as the fibbs...they'll be playing @ the double door on november 14th...

...in other news around town, i just got a call from my friend connolly and HE PROPOSED TO HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!! he's ENGAGED!!!! like holy cow man...2 mather h.s. swim team weddings in one year...that's way rad...i'm happy for him...connolly is one of the few nice boys i know in chicago, and i know he's gonna be a lovely hubby...

...*sigh*...my friends are getting hitched left and right...first josh...then sam...then caleb...now connolly...and this is not even including the friends from my former life--jae, jae, grace, sarah k., and who knows who else by now...

...and next week i go to another wedding...

...leave a light on for the lovers...

been listening to--
goo--sonic youth
s/t--hidari mae
i break chairs--damien jurado
just for a day--slowdive
we are all beautiful people--for stars
our constant concern--mates of state
what's next to the moon--mark kozelek
mix cd--american english (idlewild); else (built to spill); dissension (hidari mae); rules broken (all-time quarterback); i am the cancer (sloan); why i cry (magnetic fields); two-headed boy part 2 (neutral milk hotel); trainer (pinback); here she comes (slowdive); this i don't need (starflyer 59); tears are cool (teenage fanclub); places to go (owen a.k.a. mike kinsella); summertime climb (the flashing lights); cinema air (the gloria record); size of your life (the promise ring); confessions of a futon-revolutionist (the weakerthans); i know you heard me the first time (kind of like spitting); blur to me (waxwings); any place i've lived (lilys); capsule (bailter space); admiral of the oceans and viceroy of india (serene); devils-video killed the radio star (zapruder point)

...i need a nap...but i've got new photos up so go see these...some are a bit old, and some are really really old...

the detholz! halloween spectacular @ the bottom lounge last night

jenny choi @ gunther murphy oct 3 2003 cd release party

idlewild @ irving plaze in nyc nov 1 2002

g'night...

p.s. on the way to the detholz! show last night, my friend brandon pfeiffer called me from chatanooga, TN...he's been in nashville this week and had a cool story...he was meeting w/ a certain highly-coveted-music-award-winning producer, and he noticed that this certain producer had one of my photos as the desktop on his imac! brandon flipped out when he saw that...i guess the producer found my photos through brandon's links and said he really liked my photography...he asked brandon if he knew me, and brandon said that i'm his personal photographer! ha ha ha! i'm brandon pfeiffer's personal photographer! now if only brandon will hit it big and we can all retire...