...i can't feel my toesies...nor the tip of my nose...nor my fingers...it's been a cold cold TREACHEROUSLY COLD morning...my apt. is always cold esp in the morning, and the tepid shower did not help matters...barely got my car started...and walking to the train platform from my car, even my EYELASHES developed frost...and then i think there was barely any heat on that train...even the conductors were wearing ear muffs and coats...

...and now i'm finally in my office, and this place is the bahamas compared to everywhere else i've been this morning...time to thaw out...which isn't entirely painfree either...


...if you're wondering why i've been so reticent lately, it's cuz of this cold spell we're having in chicago...it's literally got my fingers so cold that i can hardly get them to type, let alone get my ass out there to snap photos...my brain's been half numb as well...teddy can barely get intelligent conversation out of me when it's this cold...and i don't mean to go on and on about it being cold, but it is FUCKING COLD today!!!

...speaking of cold, i've got an idea...they should make teddy bears that heat up when you hold them, to keep you warm at night...and not an electric thing, but maybe you can unzip the teddy and insert like a heated something or another in it, and it's really insulated inside so it retains its warmth at least long enough for you to fall asleep...of course, a cat or dog would do too, but those require a bit more commitment and care than a teddy bear...*sigh*...it's days like this i miss my abby...he kept me warm many a night...i could really use a nice big fluffy cat to lay on my feet right now...my toes still feel like i've been walking over arctic tundra in my bare feet...

...so if you missed the life at sea show tuesday night @ the metro, you missed out big time...every set was good...from mike kinsella of OWEN to CAMERON MCGILL to of course the boys in LIFE AT SEA...3 different sounds...all good...i can't believe i only paid $2 for that show! i even got a free owen cd cuz i ran into mike's best friend matt...this is the same matt who i took to the jeff tweedy/secret wilco show a year ago along w/ megan, my jozka, caleb & the boys...and for taking him to that show, he'd promised to get me mike's first owen cd...it took a year, but he made good on his promise, once i jogged his memory...oh, and teal phil went to the show with us, and he went to grammar school w/ both mike & matt...it's funny what a small world it is...

...speaking of owen, i was half-watching the tube a couple nights ago, just flipping through the channels, and i happened to land on the newlyweds w/ nick lachey & jessica simpson, who are both pop stars or something (i have no clue)...i paused the clicker cuz i was like "HUH?!"...it just seemed weird...and that's when i heard the first few measures of 'take care of yourself', the last song off the last owen cd...that's one of my favorite songs, so i recognized it right away...so millions of MTV viewers (if millions actually watch that specific show) have been exposed to the music of owen/mike kinsella, and that's good! oh, before i forget, i put up my photos of the owen set from tuesday night right here...

been listening to--
reading, writing and arithmetic--the sundays
when we were small--rosie thomas
yours, mine and ours--perniece brothers
team boo--mates of state
laid back and english--beatnik filmstars
hearts of oak--ted leo & the pharmacists
welcome to struggleville--vigilantes of love (VoL)
burning my travels clean--rocky votolato

...i am romping about the 'burbs today, so go see photos from last night's kick-ass life at sea show rightey over here...

p.s. we got to give thax douglas a ride home last night!

...how could i possibly leave this lovely neighborhood? i mean, how many people can say they have a defunct bar called burt's & bummers club on their corner? nay, me thinks i can't leave now...but that doesn't excuse me from cleaning out all the crap i don't need anymore...i WILL find homes for all my stray CD's! i WILL get rid of half my wardrobe! REALLY, i WILL...the question of WHEN, however, is another matter entirely...

been listening to--
ghosts of the great highway--sun kil moon
put danger back in your life--folksongs for the afterlife
how i learned to write backwards--the aislers set

...and the search for the perfect space continues...

...but first, let’s take a break from ranting and raving and be thankful...last night, erik of LIFE AT SEA and chris invited us over for homemade sushi...teddy & i grabbed a six-pack of asahi beer at a mexican grocery (they didn’t have boxes of clementines) and headed over to their house, which is a couple miles west of where i live...we were greeted at the door by their two lovely and sweet enormous dogs ella and coltrane...

...it was a lovely evening...erik & chris are one of the sweetest, coolest couples i know...not that i know them well, but they're the type that make you feel at home so that you want to know them better...their friends mike & melissa & karen were there too, and it was all in all an enjoyable evening with other adults who weren't afraid to NOT act like adults sometimes...the boys jammed in the basement and crowned themself "the third snow" before the night was over...we played cranium, did karaoke, and played with the dogs...it's quite possible that this was the first time i was the only asian in the room when doing karaoke...oh, and the sushi was DELISHUS...

erik's kickass band LIFE AT SEA are headlining at the metro this tuesday night...$2 cover and $2 drinks (!!!)...can't beat that...oh, wait...yes, i can...OWEN (mike kinsella) will be opening up...show's at 8:30...hands down, this show is the steal of the month...

...so i went to see an apartment this morning...it's a 3 bedroom on chesnut right around the corner from ted & his brothers' apartment...it was huge...they had taken out the attic, so the ceilings were really high in the front room, which faces eckhardt park and has an unobstructed view of the loop...i really liked it...ted & i could fit ALL our friends in that apartment...

...but i don't know...teddy & i went to brunch @ kitsch'n on roscoe, and we talked about what i should do...and now i'm thinking about just staying where i am...good god, i'll probably grow old & grey in that same apt. cuz that's how much i HATE moving!!! maybe if i just threw all my shit out, it would be easier...which got us talking about how i can prepare for my move/nonmove...so my assignment for today is to make two piles of books...one for the ones i wanna keep, and the other for the ones i wanna take to myopic or the salvation army...it's not so easy for me to part with books though...i mean, who cares if i'll probably never learn enough french to read my french version of 'the little prince'...the words just look so much prettier in french...and don't EVEN suggest i throw out my shel silverstein...i'll pitch my faulkner before my silverstein...so it turns out making two piles is not as easy as it sounds...so i'm here at the art gallery kafe instead...ha ha...

...seriously, though, i'm gonna go now and start relinquishing my attachment to my material possessions...my heart will feel lighter and more free as a result, methinks...

...the search for an apartment continues...that loft i saw last week was AWESOME, but there were like 50 applicants ahead of me...*sigh*...tonight, i'm going to see a normal apartment not too far away from where i already live...i keep waffling between finding a roommate and getting my own place...i'm pretty spoiled having an entire apartment (as tiny as it may be) all to myself...well, we'll see...something's bound to open up...

been listening to--
now you know--doug martsch
brief history of the 20th century--gang of four
what came before after--sonic boom
excuses for travellers--mojave3
amplified heart--everything but the girl
summershine--VoL
peng!--stereolab
substance--joy division
michigan--sufjan stevens
rehearsals for departure--damien jurado

...where shall you take me? i don't understand, and i don't see...there are times when i think i see you leading the way...then just as quickly, i blink and you're gone...were you ever there at all? sometimes i wonder...you said that you'd never leave me...what exactly did you mean by that?

been listening to--
the photo album--dcfc
execution of all things--rilo kiley
kids in philly--marah
philadelphia songs--denison witmer
s/t--dressy bessy
little honda--yo la tengo
s/t--hidari mae
100 broken windows--idlewild
yankee hotel foxtrot--wilco

yesterday the ka2c's (kick ass korean american chicas) got together @ janet's to make soon doo boo (spicy tofu stew) and to continue planning our world domination...we now have a name (team doo!boo!) and a gameplan so we're good to go...oh, it's true...be afraid...be VERY AFRAID...it's so much fun to get together w/ those girls and cook korean food from a recipe off the internet not totally aware of what we're actually supposed to do...but as long as it all tastes good in the end, that's what counts...and when in doubt, just add more kimchee, that's what i say...

when i left janet's to pick up teddy from work, i got a voicemail from phil that johnny and mikey were coming out from the suburbs for the joan of arc show...luckily, teddy was in a good mood when i picked him up and it took no armwisting to convince him to go to the show...i knew he really missed john & mikey...he even called dave and we three all went over to the empty bottle together...it was great to see the boys all together...although i did miss my jozka...esp. since he & john & i went to the joan of arc show together last march @ the fireside...but i hear the mountain goats are coming to the bottle in a few weeks, so maybe joe will come out from ann arbor for that...


as for joan of arc, the photos from last night's show can be viewed right here...they've increased in number since i last saw them...last night's show had keys, viola and cello in addition to the usual suspects...the sound was different from what i expected...and i guess i should know by now NOT to EXPECT any more...i really dug the sound...which makes sense, since i really like the idea of mixing traditionally classical instruments w/ traditionally rock 'n' roll instruments...made me wanna run out and buy a cello...now THAT is one sexy instrument...they did a cover of i think a lungfish song (at least that's what teddy told me) that was really gorgeous and made me wanna write songs for strings...overall, i totally enjoyed the show, and i was glad phil reminded me of it...i don't claim to know much about music commentary...all i know is sometimes i hear music that touches a place inside me that's beyond words, and it's like a part of me recognizes an old friend or memory dressed up as a chord or melody or beat or any myriad of combinations of the aforementioned...it's quite a beautiful experience when it happens...anyways, that's how i felt during certain parts of the joan of arc set...

been listening to--
other animals--erase errata
gotham!--radio4
is there a signal coming through?--life at sea
team boo--mates of state
loveless--my bloody valentine
yours, mine and ours--pernice brothers
long knives drawn--rainer maria
give up--the postal service

...i am currently posting this from cafe ritz on walton & ashland...i'm here w/ teddy & greendeeve...kiara, teal pheal's roommate is the barista...i'm having my americano as we talk resolutions and stuff...you know...serious life stuff that you talk about only over coffee & scones...i just wanted to post this cuz apparently there's free wireless internet here too...SNAP!

teddy & i went to penny's & then to myopic so i could visit our kitty...i call it our kitty but it's really myopic bookstore's kitty...he's so cute...i also got a book of czeck poetry for my modra jozka and a new flanner oconnor book and this book called state of mind about this guy who traveled to towns w/ interesting names like bliss, ny or justice, va or love, va etc...it's about finding the meaning of life and all that jazz...i'm like really rushing through this cuz it closes at 6pm here at cafe ritz...it's a grey day but it's lovely to share coffee & cookies in front of the warmth of a fire and get free internet that's faster than the connection i get at home...

bye y'all!

...ok...so i'm away from my computer for one day, and what happens? i check my email and i get not ONE but TWO wedding invitations...like WHAT THE FRICKIN' AY??!!! ha ha! yes...two dear friends of mine are getting married...one is like a big brother to me and owes me a fishing trip...the other is none other than my dear ryan of serene...yowzas!

...so snowboarding...yeah...uh...well, i tried...for about an hour...but there's not much you can learn when all you can do is crawl down the bunny hill backwards cuz the only way you can get yourself up from a fall is with your face to the hill...every time i would do that, i found that the only way i could move was backwards with my ass in the air clawing at the hill if i started going too fast...that's not very much fun...so i traded in the snowboard for skis and had a lovely time the rest of the afternoon...i was fine on skis keeping up w/ teddy & dave & ryan & ellen who had been boarding on the other hills that were more challenging than the bunny hill...i can't tell you how much i love the sensation of gliding down a hill on skis...i don't know if i'll ever become a snowboarder, but i don't think i could ever give up skiing...after driving back to chicago, we dropped off ryan & then went to the leadway for beers and shots and a game of pool...we were thoroughly exhausted...and now i'm mighty sore on my upper body...it's all from the boarding portion of yesterday cuz i didn't fall at all when i was skiing...i think next time, i'll take actual snowboarding lessons...who knows...maybe i'll never get it...there's always skis though, and it's good to know that even though it's been a few years since i've skied, i've internalized it enough that it's like riding a bike...

boy am i sore though...

going snowboarding w/ teddy, dave, ellen & ryan from trader joe's! hope i make it through the day in one piece...toodles!

...friends, chicagoans, countryfolk...lend me your corrugated boxes! yes, i am starting to deal with the reality of moving in the next couple months or so and it's not very fun...last night, i made a list of some of the things i want to throw away for starters...i figure i shouldn't start boxing stuff until i know what i'm taking and what i'm not...and if i'm not taking it, i might as well toss it now...

...add to that the fact that teddy & his two brothers jay & dave & dave's girlfriend ellen are all moving about the same time, and you can just imagine how much i'm looking forward to the end of march...you know, what i realized? before spring hits, i will have helped move teddy's oldest bro dave THREE times in NINE MONTHS and both teddy & jay TWICE in SIX MONTHS...am i the only crazy person who takes vacation days to help OTHER PEOPLE move? probably...i myself will need a whole week of vacation to pack & move i'm sure...

...tonight i'm gonna go look at a 3000 sq foot loft in ukrainian village that's currently occupied by a bunch of djs...i've always wanted to live in a converted loft of some sort...and this would be just a few blocks from the other metra train that goes to my work...i don'k know if i'd want to give up having a place to myself, but with 3000 sq feet, that's lots of space for 4 people i think...i'll probably find another apartment for myself, but i just wanna see what i'm missing...

...you know what's an interesting experience? getting a voicemail from your landlord at lunchtime that your apartment building has been broken into and that maybe you wanna check out whether all your stuff is gone or not...being in lake forest at the time, and it being only lunchtime, i didn't think i should just skip out of work since if i'd been broken into already, there really wasn't anything i could do but cry anyways...so i called ted and asked him to go over there...he was finishing up his laundry when i called, so i had a couple nervous hours to wait to hear from him during which i got to reflect on how attached i am to my stuff...i have renter's insurance, so it wasn't the money...it was more of the stuff that's really irreplaceable...like my guitar...and all my photos that happen to reside on my computers...i think i'm gonna have to make some backups and keep them at my mom's house or something...

...the good news is that my apartment wasn't touched...i talked to my landlord later and he clarified that the break-in didn't occur today but a few days ago...i was lucky...the first floor tenant was totally cleaned out...luckily, i'm in the attic, so the robbers probably ran out of room in their getaway vehicle after they stole stuff from my landlord's office & cleaned out my neighbor's apartment...

...stuff comes and stuff goes...thieves break in and moths destroy...but there are things that can't be taken away by crowbar or mold...those are the things i want to run after...

...saturday night, teddy & i picked up keom from his yoga party and we all went to the LIFE AT SEA/DUVALL show @ the empty bottle together...i finally got to give keom his bday present, which was a fancy schmancy box of chocolates from trader joes and which i'd been carrying around in my backseat for 2 weeks...

...it was crowded even though we got there early just when the first opening band (the emily shrine) were about to go on...we saw erik (of LIFE AT SEA) and his girlfriend chris and we chatted for a while...i hadn't seen either since december...they're one of the nicest couples i know in chicago...by the time LAS got on, it was REALLY crowded...i didn't think i'd be able to take any photos cuz the lighting @ the bottle pretty much sucks, but i got somewhat lucky & the light guy turned it up for LAS's set, so i was able to get SOME shots from the back by leaning my camera against a pole...it was so cool to see such a big crowd get into their music...there was definitely a positive vibe in response to their music...see more photos of the show RIGHT HERE...

...by the time duvall got on, it was REALLY crowded, and i lost my position by the pole and had to squeeze myself somewhere towards the left near a wall...i have to say that i really like the material from duvall's new album...this was my 3rd time seeing them live, and they seem to get better each time...their songs are very melodic and have got that pop hook thing down...i highly recommend seeing them live...

...after the show, keom bribed us to drive him all the way home to hyde park...it would've taken him forever anyway on public transportation since the green line doesn't run 24 hours...even though i gave him a hard time about it, i actually do try to give rides to carless people whenever possible cuz i wanna support their nocar lifestyle to make up for my own driving habits...

...sunday morning, i went to HPV (hyde park vineyard) for their sunday service to do a photoshoot...i'm doing photos for caleb & audrey's project @ yale divinity school about HPV...it happened to be the church's 6th anniversary, so it was a good week to take photos...my pastor, rand tucker, was out of town, but a few people from the congregation shared...i still miss seeing pete & amy there...but carlos showed up this week, and it was so good to see someone i knew back from when i used to hang out w/ pete & amy & sam...i still feel really weird going to church...everybody's nice and everything, but i just feel out of place and at a loss for what to do next...it was more tolerable when pete & amy were there cuz i was so comfortable with them...if carlos & sam go on a more regular basis, i think i might feel a little less awkward showing up more often...teddy was supposed to go with me to church, but he found out at the last minute that his family was getting together for a birthday party for grandma sophie so he had to drive his brothers out to the burbs...

...sunday was supposed to be me & teddy's day off together, but that didn't work out due to the last minute plan changes...teddy & his bros decided to have a quick party @ their place that night...it was a really small get-together...the only other people they invited were me, ellen & phil...dave made hummous from scratch, and he put me to work cutting up veggies...we had all sorts of cheese and like 5 different kinds of crackers, not to mention olives, chips & fresh salsa, and pickled herring...we turned it into a birthday party for phil cuz we'd missed it on the 3rd, and it was his 25th, which is a pretty significant bday in my opinion...to our surprise, phil came with all kinds of little presents for all of us, and we stuffed our faces and played a lovely game of cricket on the dartboard, which phil totally kicked our asses on...it was a lot of fun, but i was exhausted by the time i headed home around midnight, considering my lack of sleep from the night before...it was great though to see phil, as always...i'm so glad he's in chicago now...i just love how downright silly teddy gets with him around...it's like watching little boys...

been listening to--
more motion--trenchmouth
castaways and cutouts--duvall
mass suicide occult figurines--john vanderslice
how i learned to write backwards--the aisler set
other animals--erase errata

...this afternoon i finished the last book in the chronicles of narnia by c.s. lewis...it's a good thing i didn't wait until my next commute to work to finish it cuz i started blubbering like a baby during the last few chapters, and if i'm gonna cry over a book, i'd much rather do it in the privacy of my own apartment than on a metra train...i don't even really know why i was crying...i mean, it's like a CHILDREN'S book for crimeny's sake...the tears, the lump in my throat, the ache in my chest...they all came out of nowhere...i was AMBUSHED by my own subconscious emotions...

if you've never read the book and plan to, skip this paragraph cuz i'm gonna quote from it...i guess when i think about it, there were two things going on...one was the feeling of finally coming home, finally finding that which you've spent your entire life searching for even when you may not have know what exactly it was you were seeking...when jewel says, 'i have come home at last! this is my real country! this is the land i have been looking for all my life, though i never knew it till now...', i thought of all the times i've felt like an alien, and i don't mean the kind granted registration cards by the INS...there are times when i get this eerie feeling like i'm not from the planet earth...i'm no sci-fi nut either...it's just a feeling i've had for as long as i can remember...the feeling that there's a place so much better, so much more whole, so much more infinitely good...it's easy to forget that this is what i'm really longing for in the midst of all the busyness and external stimuli that i'm constantly bombarded with...but when i do remember it, i get this really strange sensation, like there's something sqeezing my heart, like you squeeze the juice out of a lemon...

...the other thing going on with this book that jerked my emotions was the description of the reunion among old friends and loved ones, esp. when king tirian is reunited with his father who had died years before after battling a giant...oh boy, did THAT one get me going...it didn't help that i'd been thinking about my dad earlier over breakfast, and had actually found myself singing that song denison wrote about me losing my dad...and so reading about the narnians and the children entering aslan's country, i couldn't help wondering if that's what it was like for my dad, when he died...was he filled with an indescribable joy, the culmination of all his desires fulfilled as he left this life for the next? did he meet his loved ones who'd passed on to aslan's country and the heroes and heroines of old? could he run miles and miles like the wind without losing his breath? or climb treacherous waterfalls as if crossing a babbling brook? did he eat a fruit that was almost too beautiful to eat, and did it taste absolutely indescribable? did he? did he? and does he now? some of you may wonder that a sensible girl like myself...okay, scratch that...i'm NOT sensible i suppose...anyways...some of you may wonder that a girl like me would believe in such things like an afterlife or whatnot...the truth of the matter is, all my upbringing and everything i've been taught to believe aside, i go by what resonates inside my heart...even though i may seem to have thrown off the shackles of the organized church or what we may perceive to be the organized church, what i cannot escape from, nor want to escape from, nor need to escape from, is something i don't have a word for, at least a word that is not laden with a schlew of images, feelings, prejudices, attitudes etc for everyone in a different way...it's like...the Essence...of All...oh, i don't know...crimeny...that sounds so hokey...oh fuck it, i'm just gonna come out and say it...it's GOD, ok? G-O-D, GOD! there! i've said it! it's true! i can't get away from GOD! do i understand what i mean by that? NO I DON'T! but it's true...and it's good...don't ask me how or why...i don't know...my story is not yet over...

...call me a blubbering fool if you will...some day, i'm gonna see my dad again...and when i do, all will be right as rain...

center city on a bus
feelings change from want to must
so i pushed the meaning to it all
i carry you from place to place
i said, 'this is how i spend my days...
do you understand my shape, my form?'

do i really have to let you go?
not if i don't want to....

last night spent on the couch
felt your heart beat pounding out
sounds like someone's footsteps on the floor
i dreamt we walked from room to room
opened doors into those parts of you
all the memories that i have of us before

do i really have to let you go?
do i really have to?

when someone you love dies
you never question where they've gone
like landscapes under snow
they're blocks you build more life upon
they're the corner of your eye
their quiet arms still comfort you

do i really have to?
do i really have to let you go?
do i really have to let you go?
do i really have to let you go?
do i really have to?

(do i really have to? off of the album philadelphia songs by denison witmer)

...guess who i went to see at the beat kitchen last night? janet kim of WANAMAKER and KIM! miss mia was there too (she & janet play together in KIM) and so i got to meet mia's fabulous boyfriend...janet did a solo show of recent and new songs, some of which i had heard with the full WANAMAKER band last month when they opened up for LIFE AT SEA...janet has a very distinctive voice...it's rich and strong and can surprise you...she did this song about philly, which of course made me think of denison...i miss that little elf...anyways, speaking of the last wanamaker/life at sea show, here's a stupid little something i did...i took a bunch of photos of wanamaker at that show even though i didn't know janet at the time cuz like how often do i get to see a fellow korean american chica rock out on stage, eh? not often enough, fer sure...so anyways, i met janet for the first time at miss mia's mahndu-making world domination party last sunday, right? and i told janet i took a bunch of photos of her show last month and that i'd post them and send her the link...well, i get home that night, and i looked on my laptop, but no wanamaker photos...i looked on my desktop, no wanamaker photos...the next morning, i looked on my work laptop, no wanamaker photos...i looked on my work desktop, and guess what? yup, no wanamaker photos...now i felt really stupid, but i knew janet would be cool with it...but i still felt stupid and a little mad at myself cuz i'd already gone through all the photos and even picked out the ones i'd been planning on uploading...i think what happened was that i was cleaning out files on my home laptop about a week ago, and i remember deleting a folder thinking it was a duplicate folder, and apparently it wasn't...rats...oh well...life goes on...although it was a solo show last night, i did take some photos, and you can see them right here...it's my first page of mouseover photos so you don't have to click on an image any more to see the larger version...just place the mouse pointer over a thumbnail for the bigger version...

...it's snowing like a dandruff storm out there...it's all nice & purty...teddy's off today and i bet he spends a good chunk of the day racing cars on the computer...i called him last night after i got out of the show, and he never even answered...at first i thought he'd left his phone in his car, but then i realized that he was probably ignoring all phone calls cuz he was playing that game! i bet he was up til the wee hours playing that game...oh well, who am i to complain? it's no different from me staying up sorting through my photos and watching the cosby show...

...btw, LIFE AT SEA are opening up for DUVALL tomorrow night at the empty bottle...LAS are a totally rocking band, and i'm gonna break my new years resolution #4 and buy their new cd...DUVALL, as some of you may know, is the band partially responsible for bringing me & teddy together...so the story goes...back in april of 2002, i was driving south on damen, and i happened to see my old friend dobber getting out of his car...i did a u-ey so we could chat a bit, and he ran off the names of some bands he thought i should check out, including DUVALL...he told me they were ex-smoking popes so i figured they'd be pretty cool...well, i missed my first couple chances to see DUVALL cuz i was busy & lazy, but i finally got around to seeing them that august, 4 months later...well, i told my friend derek that morning i was gonna see duvall and he told me to also check out the opening band WATCHERS cuz he worked w/ michael the frontman and chris the bassist and he told me they were really tight...and so i make extra effort that night to get to the show in time for the opening bands, and i missed most of chinupchinup, but i did catch watchers, and i still remember my heart sinking to my stomach when i first laid eyes on MY TEDDY as he set up his drum kit to play w/ watchers as i thought to myself, 'OH MY GOD HE'S SO HOT, HOW AM I EVER GONNA TALK TO HIM??'...so to make a long story a little less long, DUVALL has a special place in my heart for exposing my eyes to the damn hottest drummer this side of the moon...i probably never would've gone to see any of the other subsequent watchers shows cuz they never played w/ anyone i would've wanted to see, which means i never would've laid eyes on my teddy which would've been very sad indeed...

been listening to--
disintegration--the cure
when we were small--rosie thomas
time (the revelator)--gillian welch
now you know--doug martsch
emotions--alaska!
philadelphia songs--denison witmer
perfumed letter--bill mallonee
infinite keys--ester drang
our constant concern--mates of state
hearts of oak--ted leo & rx

ok...i think i've regained enough compusure to elaborate on my previous post...i've mentioned before that i was raised in a cult, no? yes, it's true...my family was in a cult called University Bible Fellowship (UBF) until i was the age of 17...it sucked...we got out...my family found normal healthy (relatively) churches...but the scars from spending my most formative years in a regime marked by totalitarianism, legalism and just plain lunacy are still fresh, almost 15 years after i was freed...

...if my family hadn't gotten out when they did, it's possible that the leader of UBF would not have lived to see 1994 instead of continuing his reign of terror until 2002...i know how much i wanted to kick that SOB's ass when i was a mere teenager, and i know it would've only gotten worse by my college years...this is not something i'm proud of either...i mean, the guy was like totally ancient and already near death healthwise when he died in that house fire two years ago...but i have to freely admit that i really, really REALLY wanted to kick his ass from here to pyonyang, NK where his other totalitarian buddies live...

...right now, UBF continues to operate on college campuses across the united states and around the world, including here in chicago at schools like northwestern, UIC, loyola, depaul, northeastern, etc...sad but true...somebody call out the national guard...

...zion grieves...where now is her crown of beauty for the ashes that lie here, in these ancient ruins, where now is the oil of gladness poured out instead of mourning? the devastation of generations past and present plead for restoration...

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE BEING RAISED IN A CULT
by sarah-ji

10. 75% of the buildings within a 4 block radius of the group headquarters is owned or occupied by members of your group

9. you and the other kids in the group have to line up in the "LEADER's" office with your report cards several times a year

8. you (and everyone else in the group jr high and older) are ordered to write and share a speech entitled 'I AM A NOBODY'

7. the "LEADER" personally cuts (butchers) your hair and thinks he's doing you a favor

6. the "LEADER" is a short stocky korean man who likes to run around in military fatigue

5. the "LEADER" plots your future engagement from the time you are 11

4. it is common, and expected, to have at least 3 couples get married at the same wedding, and most likely, the couples find out they are getting married and to whom anywhere from the night before to maybe a few weeks prior to the wedding

3. occasionally, not too long after a wedding, one of the newly married brides is kidnapped for deprogramming by her concerned parents

2. the "LEADER" administers his own quack medical treatment for members' various health problems, including salt water injections to skin lesions for psoriasis, a big mac diet for the underweight, and an IV for just about any reason

1. your group is listed on numerous cult awareness websites

today is the two-year anniversary of the death of the "LEADER"...i will stop here because i am THIS CLOSE to typing a tirade of curses and laments for childhoods lost and lives ruined...this is the hell i witnessed until i was seventeen...

been listening to--
still feel gone--uncle tupelo
anodyne--uncle tupelo
burning my travels clean--rocky votolato
sleeping on roads--neil halstead
team boo--mates of state

i have new photos on my wicker park page...that's all i have to offer for now...

...do you know what really sucks? a wedgie that just won't go away no matter how you wiggle and fidget...shit...these pants are going to give me some serious medical problems if i don't get up and do a little bootyshake every 5 minutes...what's up with that, eh? oh well...that's what i get for $12.99 @ old navy...the perpetual wedgie pantsters...

...so back to vacation ideas...i emailed my best friend josh today to see if he & lielle will want to do an east coast vacation around the 1st week of july since i'll be out thataways for caleb's wedding...i have no concept of distance when it comes to the east coast, but i'm thinking about driving up to vermont or something and working our way down...don't they have mountains up there? and ben & jerry's? at any rate, josh better still be in CT then cuz i intend on staying with him for the wedding...

...guess what i'm doing tonight? LAUNDRY! WOO HOO! there's nothing i like better than clean socks and marginally clean underwear...speaking of which, did i mention i bought a SHOWER CAP on saturday? this was at teddy's suggestion...i told him i don't like showering in the winter cuz my hair gets so damn wet & heavy, and in weather like today's, it would freeze and just break right off like so many slivers of black icicles...he told me if i wear a shower cap, i could still take a shower without having to get my hair wet...like why didn't i think of this before? so i went out and bought me a shower cap with pink flowers on it and everything...i'd been getting pretty bad about showering...i'm sure none of you want to hear this, but i mean it got to the point where my little side braids were serving the purpose of keeping my hair in place while i slept so that i wouldn't even have to brush my hair, let alone shower...your scalp eventually gets used to being oily and stops itching after the first couple of days...

'nuff 'bout my personal hygeine (or lack thereof)...

been listening to--
nobody knows this is everywhere--764-HERO
you are free--catpower
measure--matt pond pa
loveless--my bloody valentine
dollar movie--goner
one time bells--the french kicks
greetings from michigan--sufjan stevens
the world won't end--pernice brothers

...first day back at work in 2004...a 12 hour blearyeyed headache...stuff inevitably falls through the cracks of my brain during holidays which to me lasts from thanksgiving to presidents day which HAPPENS to be the busiest two months for my job...although i'm beginning to think with the more recent reallocation of duties, i'm actually busier at other times of the year...historically, however, this is my busiest time...i'm not gonna complain though cuz i'm just grateful to merely have a job...

so i've got 15 vacation days this year...what shall i do? where shall i go? last year i used most of them to spend time with teddy since he's off on weekdays and works weekends...but now i've got this schedule thing that gives me two weekdays off a month, as long as i continue to do my 12 hour days once a week...so i think i can actually use my vacation days for VACATIONS...and luckily, i get the friday before & the monday after july 4th off as official company holidays, which means even if i decide to do an extended vacation for caleb's wedding out in CT, i'll only have to take a couple days off...maybe another seattle trip in the summer...hopefully when ian's around...

...you know where i really want to go? besides seattle...i ALWAYS want to go to seattle...i would really like to go to joshua tree nat'l park in california...i spent a few days there several springs ago, and it was one of the most beautiful places i've ever been to...especially with all the wild desert flora waking up for spring...you'd be amazed at the diversity of life in the desert...and the rocks...the rocks...oh the rocks...

...well, i'm getting ahead of myself...before i explore options for vacationing, i need to find a place to live come the end of march...

been listening to--
a thousand leaves--sonic youth
yours, mine and ours--pernice brothers
s/t--dressy bessy
castaways and cutouts--the decemberists
ghosts of the great highway--sun kil moon
celebratory arm gesture--summer hymns
greatest hits--wesley willis
the legend of blind joe death--john fahey
folklore--16 horsepower
hoarse--16 horsepower
where shall you take me?--damien jurado

...ok, everyone...it is now officially winter in chicago...we got our first big snow today, and although it's nothing like the blizzard of '79 which was what greeted my family our first winter in the u.s. of a., we still got a respectable amount of accumulation out there...and of course, since i was too lazy yesterday to go pick up my hard drive which i had purchased online from compUSA, i had to trudge out into the blinding wet whiteness this afternoon...i had to take 2 trains, the blue & red lines, to get to the store on chicago ave., and i had the worst train karma today...missed all my trains by seconds, pretty much doubling my commute time...i was pretty soggy by the time i got home...

...ok...i have a confession to make...i totally smell like garlic right now...you see, i went to a manduh making party @ miss mia's...manduh is a traditional korean new year's dish...it's basically dumplings...we made veggie ones with lots of tofu and apparently LOTS of garlic...i must have gotten some of the juice from the dumpling filling on my body somewhere, but i have no idea where...and ergo i smell like garlic...i don't mind too much but teddy doesn't seem to be taking to my new fragrance to well...i suppose it doesn't help that we were also munching on kimchee in addition to the dumplings...it was quite a riot making manduh with miss mia & her kickass korean chicas...i met a bunch of really cool fellow korean gals, including janet of wanamaker whom i'd seen open up for life at sea last month...none of us was what i'd call an expert on actually MAKING the manduh, but with a little collaboration and some creative uses of normal kitchen accessories, it actually came out quite yummy...yup, with a bit of some korean homecooking we're well on our way to world domination...

alrighty...would anybody like to install my new hard drive?



been listening to--
rooty--basement jaxx
only with laughter can you win--rosie thomas

...i am going to break from my usual resistance to making new years resolutions because i am strangely fond of the numeral 2004...it's so...EVEN...normally, i don't make resolutions cuz i have an extreme fear of failure, and everybody knows the easiest way to avoid failure is by not having any goals at all...but this year i will make an exception because the numeral '2004' somehow makes me feel bold and courageous...or maybe it's cuz i saw the entire lord of the rings series over christmas break...i mean, who can resist the flaring nostrils of the elfman legolas? they make me wanna learn archery and horseback riding and maybe clean my apartment...

anyways, so here are a few resolute thoughts that have been floating around in my head:

1. i will find a new apartment...well, i guess i don't really have a choice with this one, my lease expiring in march and all...but it's always nice to start a list with something you know you'll absolutely have to do...
2. i will find homes for all my stray cds...i'm gonna give myself until 2006 for this one...
3. i will donate at least 1/4 of my wardrobe to the salvation army...
4. i will not buy any new cds until i've listened to the ones i've already bought...
5. i will install a new internal hard drive on my home desktop...the first step has been done already: i purchased a new 80gig harddrive 2 hours ago and it's awaiting pickup @ CompUSA...
6. i will unite all my photos onto one computer from the 3 desktops and 3 laptops they currently occupy...
7. i will prepare 10 photos to be displayed in the public somewhere...
8. i will attempt snowboarding at least twice before the winter is over...
9. i will read at least 2 books a month...
10. i will vote...

i think 10's a good number for now...if i come up with anything else, i'll keep it to myself...

yesterday, teddy & i had a rare day off together...we attempted to grab brunch @ sweet maple on taylor street, but there was a line out the door...so we thought we'd give the new chili's a try downtown...but we couldn't find parking...so we made do with going back to wicker park and ate at earwax cafe...we bought a dart board that afternoon cuz teddy's been itching for one and we took it back to his apartment...lauren & doug & jason were all there, and lore & i did origami while doug & ted put up the dart board...we played a game of 301, which is really hard if you play by the rules, and then we all went out for mexican on chicago ave...lore & doug went to see the blue man group after dinner...jay, teddy & i were all pretty tired & we just stayed in and played darts and listened to the radio...

...tonight, teddy & i & maybe dave & ellen are going to see theater oobleck's 'spirits to enforce' which is the sequel to shakespeare's 'the tempest' but not written by shakespeare...at least i hope we're gonna see it...i called in reservations and as long as no one calls me back, i'm in...for those of you not familiar w/ the genius that is theater oobleck, if you live in the chicago area, i suggest you get acquainted...not that i'm all that familiar myself...my one encounter with this theater was their 2000 production of 'the golden election by marilyn quayle & her sister and theater oobleck' that my friend john roberts was in...it was outrageous and prophetic, as the results of that election proved it to be...ever since that performance, i have been waiting for another chance at witnessing a theater oobleck production, and tonight may be my lucky night...

happy 2004!!!! today we and a bunch of other chicagoans who are either early risers or allnight partyers congregated at the lakefront by the planeterium to welcome the first sunrise of 2004...i can never get enough of sunrises over lake michigan...and then to see the first morning light hit our beautiful skyline...that is a sight that always takes my breath away...

another year...hopefully i'll be a wiser sarah this year...but you know what i'm finding as i live out my story here on planet earth? the older i get, the less wise i feel because i realize every day how little i really know and understand...the journey seems to stir more questions than it answers...that's okay with me though...i'm getting more and more comfortable with the unknown and unanswered questions...

...there are a few things though that are certain, and these are what mean the most to me...love, faith and hope...paul had it right...these three are what remain, and the greatest of these is definitely love...