Poor Little Cadence

Thanks, ya'll for your concern for my little bugger Cadence. Alas, it is a veritable snotfest PLUS crankyfest in chez moi. Oh the festivities! Cadence hasn't been able to sleep well the past 3 nights, and by default neither (niether? neither? nether? Crap. I'm tired.) has Ted nor I (have/and? have/nor/or? has/and? has/nor/or?).

We've been pretty spoiled in that Cadence has been this sick only a handful of times. Normally, she gets a runny nose for a day or two, we pump her w/ homeopathics and breastmilk, and she's usually back to normal. I knew when that high fever hit her Monday night, we were in for a bit more drama this time around. Plus, I don't think she's getting as much breastmilk as she used to, which is why I find myself, the mother of a 3 year old, taking an herbal galactalogue [in case you're too lazy to click on the link, a galactalogue is something that promotes lacation, e.g. breastmilk production]. I'm probably overreacting, but with the cold season coming up, there's no way I'm stopping breastfeeding now. Maybe by the time she's 4 years old, she'll allow us to perform nasal irrigation on her, but for now, I need all the ammo I can get in fighting the notorious bug season in Chicago, which only seems to get worse over the years as the bugs beget stronger and more-resistant-to-everything bugs.

Well, I hope Cadence doesn't get any worse, and I have to keep in mind that this will only boost her immune system for the future. Whether Ted and I make it through the bug unscathed is yet to be seen...

Maybe I Need a Book on Potty-Learning

I've been taking a break from blogging this week, as I've been thoroughly preoccupied with 5 different books simultaneously, not to mention the fact that Ted and I have discovered the vast library of DVDs available for immediate online viewing on Netflix. We're currently going through The Life of Birds narrated by David Attenborough as well as the first season of Heroes (after Cadence goes to sleep). I have to admit that I'm a little obsessed with the latter show. We don't have TV reception, so we can only watch it on DVD or online, and we're hurriedly trying to catch up.

So, have you guys noticed that the one thing about Cadence I never talk about on this here blog is her using the potty? There's a reason for that. It's pretty simple, really. She doesn't use it. So there's nothing to talk about. Unless I talk about her NOT using the potty, and how that's getting old. Ted and I are trying not to put too much pressure on her. She has peed on the potty on occasion, and she'll sit on it for a while for the heck of it, but she continues to resist on most occasions. For reasons I don't want to get into right now, I don't want to resort to candy or stickers or charts, so I guess we're just gonna have to be patient.

Sometimes I think to myself, "Goodness gracious, what have I done?! I've got a kid who still sucks on my boob, sleeps w/ me and wears diapers at the age of THREE!!" It's so easy to second-guess the way you've parented and wonder if everything you've ever done is just WRONG WRONG WRONG. I'll bet there are folks reading this who'd say, "Hell, like DUH! What were you thinking?! You were wrong alright." Well, I'm doing what I feel is right for Cadence and our family. And you know what? She's still totally kick-ass. There is absolutely no denying that.

Thoughts on Emergence

I don't always talk explicitly about faith or God, but that doesn't mean I don't think about them. In fact, I think about them a lot. You see, my dad was a pastor. Even before he was officially ordained in the Association of Vineyard Churches, he was more involved in ministry than some full-time pastors.

There's a lot of baggage that comes with being raised "in the ministry," and I tried walking away from the whole faith, God and church thing. I tried and I failed.

Although I really tried to kick the whole organized religion thing in the shins, I just could not get over this growl of a conviction that at the heart of who Jesus was and is, there lay the key to unlocking the door to my deepest self.

I can't explain it. I've just always known since I was a little girl that I came from God. I've always known that there was something that connected me to God, even as an adult when I was trying to escape the whole "God" thing.

A few years ago, I discovered the Emergent/Emerging church. There's a lot of opinions on what the Emergent church is, some positive and some negative. To me, it's a conversation among a diverse group of folks in the Christian tradition who're trying to work out the whole faith thing in a holistic manner and trying to do it politely and lovingly and gently.

Anyhoo, one of the reasons I'm thinking about all this stuff is that I don't want to impart to Cadence the same baggage I experienced growing up in a spiritual environment that made me feel judged and never good enough. And yet, I do want to impart SOMETHING to her when it comes to faith.

Well, it just so happens that the Emergent folks are starting a new blog for parents called Emerging Parents, "a safe place for those involved in the emerging church conversation to explore holistic parenting ideas." I'm hoping to hear other folks' stories and maybe get some ideas on how to impart faith without the baggage to Cadence.

I'm So Tired I Could Cry...

And no, it's not because Cadence smothered herself in butt cream the other day, although the fact that I didn't notice she was being unusually quiet under the table (which usually means poop or trouble) should be an indication of my current state of exhaustion.

I thought that once the wedding was over, I'd be able to catch my breath, but I was busy editing photos all week after the wedding and fretting over what processor to use for printing the photos (which if anyone has any suggestions, I'm totally open to 'em), and then we've had tons of family related stuff since last Monday, with cousins in town, birthdays, Belgian Beer tastings, etc.

I guess I just have to accept the fact that I'm not a superhuman and that my body and mind and emotions can only take so much fun and drama before I begin to fall apart and start doing things like almost missing my stop on the train or nodding off at my desk mid-email (both of which I've done today).

Our friend (and my cousin Jeannie's boyfriend) Erik has been staying with us since last Monday, and my cousin Jeannie has been staying with us since she flew in on Wednesday. There have been many hours of talking and laughing and beer drinking since, and I guess there's only so much fun you can have before you start losing your ability to function.

I feel really bad for Cadence. No, feeling bad is an understatement. Plagued by guilt is probably more accurate. I was so busy with all the wedding preparations, and then editing photos, and now hanging out w/ guests and family. I think I've totally screwed up her night-time schedule as she hasn't been going to bed before 11:30pm for almost a month now, and it's totally not her fault. What toddler could resist all that stimulation when there's so much going on?

And still, she is such an awesome kid. Yes, she's demanding and opinionated and spirited, but what I've learned is that if I give her focused attention, without rolling my eyes or giving her attitude, and I do what I can to meet her needs in that moment, she is perfectly agreeable and in fact a very sweet kid. Children are so forgiving of their parents' shortcomings.

I've got several hundred photos from the past weekend that I need to get through. I'm going to take my time, though. I mean, who really cares about my Garfield Park Conservatory photos anyways? Or snapshots of family? Those photos will still be around in another week or two. Of course if I take another few hundred photos this week, then I'll REALLY be digging myself into a hole. I guess I should just hide my camera for a few weeks then...And I should probably stay away from the Hideout's annual block party...

Three Thoughts Thursday #9 (or is it #10?)

#1—I was walking to the train one day when I passed an elderly dog of indiscernible breed hanging around his front lawn. He was a friendly type---the kind that always has a smile on his face, and I wasn't worried at all walking by him. His owner was on the front porch, just a couple yards away, and he called to his dog in such a gentle, amiable tone that made me smile to myself as I hurried to catch my train. It got me thinking about a quote by Gandhi that says, 'The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.' (Thank you, Google) I think this is true. I then got to thinking about how it is considered inhumane to hit a dog or cat or most animals in this country, but when it comes to hitting a child it's considered discipline.

I suppose the Christians have at least a little bit of something to do with this. One little Bible verse in the book of Proverbs—'Spare the rod, spoil the child' has probably done more to mislead parents regarding appropriate discipline than all the other verses regarding love, gentleness, kindness, mercy and forgiveness combined have done to enlighten them. I know that there are now Christian groups who believe in grace-based discipline and do not believe in spanking. William and Martha Sears, who are often considered the spokespersons for Attachment Parenting, are in fact devout Christians. Still, most folks who grew up in Christian or church-going homes grew up being spanked. I know a lot of folks who were hit as a child say they turned out okay so spanking must not be that bad. To them, I say, you probably turned out okay DESPITE being spanked. I'm sorry, but I personally don't see how the assertion of one's superior physical strength or size over another of inferior strength or size can EVER produce truly positive, long-term effects, such as instilling a sense of SELF-discipline, or the sense of right and wrong that is based on internalized morals and not fear of punishment.

I do believe that parents have the responsibility to guide their children. To me, that is what The Rod in the verse from Proverbs is referring to. Shepherds use their rods to guide their sheep, not to beat them when they stray. I'm no expert on discipline. In fact, it's an area that I really struggle with in our home. I am convinced that rewards and punishments do not work in the long-term, if what I'm looking to do is to teach Cadence self-control and desire to do the right thing, not out of fear of punishment or the desire for a reward but simply because it is the right thing to do.

And yet, I understand why parents spank their kids. When you are being pushed to the limits of your sanity by a scrawny 36 inches weighing less than 30lbs, it can be so easy to just revert to how you were parented. I really think that unless we experience significant internal changes, and unless we equip ourselves with the tools to know better, we just can't help ourselves from becoming our parents. For those who were parented well, this is a blessing. For the rest of us, it's a source of frequent internal and external strife.

I didn't grow up with a lot of physical discipline. However, I do distinctly remember my mom telling me that she wanted to beat the tar out of me (loose translation from the Korean), and I never forgot that. I just hope I never say anything so hurtful to Cadence. It would be as bad as giving her a spanking, I would imagine.

I believe that there is another quote out there about how you can tell a lot about a people by the way they treat their young, their old and their sick or disabled. If there isn't, there should be. All in all, I do believe that our humanity is determined, for better or for worse, by how we treat the weakest, the most vulnerable, the frailest, the most dependent among us.

Which is why Jesus is my hero, even though a lot of the stuff that often comes packaged in Christianity drives me totally nutso. But that's another thought for another (Thurs)day.

#2—On a totally different note, will any of you respect me less if I wear gauchos? I know some folks don't have a problem with it, but others simply cannot stand them. I just can't find anything to wear to the wedding that is comfortable enough for me to move around freely so I can take photos. You see, to get some of the shots I want, I sometimes find myself in awkward positions, and I mean that in the physical realm. I've been known to do things like stand on high places, kneel or get my belly on the ground, and I don't want to be doing all that in a skirt. Gauchos provide a nice in-between. Ted doesn't like them at all, but I can't find another pair of pants that I like. And don't get me started about the top…

#3—Can I just say that I absolutely love Ted's new haircut? I made him go to art+science which is much more pricey than just a barber or Supercuts. I have to say, it's totally worth it. Best of all, he loves it too!

Cadence thinks the haircut is beautiful too. They sure make a good looking pair!

One Thought Thursday--I'm Lazy, What Can I Say?

When I chose to do certain things as a parent that some folks would consider attachment parenting, I have to admit that I didn't have visions of beautiful bonding moments with my child; they were for reasons of convenience and necessity as a working mom. Breastfeeding meant I'd always have food ready to serve without needing to measure, mix or warm up. Extended breastfeeding meant I'd always have a means of calming and comforting instantaneously, not to mention being able to give Cadence—ever the Energizer bunny—the equivalent of a sleeping pill every night. Co-sleeping meant being able to nurse and comfort without having to get up or entirely waking up so that I could actually function during the day and bring home the bacon. Babywearing meant being able to do things around the house and not having to lug a stroller everywhere, the technicalities of which I never fully grasped (I am severely mechanically challenged). If these things promoted attachment between Cadence and me, well that was an added bonus.

As she grew older, however, I wondered if my laziness had set us up for disaster. I mean, would Cadence EVER stop nursing during the night, with a midnight snack just inches from her face? Would she EVER learn to put herself to sleep without the sleep-inducing hormones in a nightcap on tap from mama's boob? Would she EVER wean herself, if we let HER decide when she was ready? Would she EVER be able to sleep by herself in her own bed without a warm body next to her?

It seems to me that the answer to all these questions is YES. She has already stopped nursing during the night for the most part through no effort of my own. Sometimes she stirs, but she usually just settles herself and sleeps through the night until after I've already left for work. She has also started getting in bed and putting herself to sleep for naptimes, but only with Ted. I don't try to force her to do it with me too because I get to put her down for naps only three days a week. But at least I know that she CAN do it. She obviously hasn't weaned yet, but I know she will someday. Now that she's cut out her pre-dawn session, she only nurses twice a day as it is.

As for sleeping in her own bed, I am personally skeptical of the notion that a child should be expected to sleep alone so early in life. I remember sleeping with my grandmother while my brother slept with my parents until I was at least 5 years old. For thousands of years, humans slept together in one family bed, so I think babies are hard-wired to want to be close to a warm body, probably as a built-in safety feature. I believe that humans are highly adaptable and therefore have learned to sleep alone from infancy during the last 100 years or so (at least in the Western world). However, I don't expect this of my own child, because I know her personality. Some babies are great in their own cribs and beds from the get-go. Others can gradually become accustomed to sleeping alone. Cadence happens to fall into the camp that requires a little more coziness during the night. Maybe it's because I am away from her so much during the day. Maybe it's just how she's hardwired. At any rate, co-sleeping gives me the opportunity to be in close contact with her for at least 7 hours during the night, and although we may be asleep through most of it, in our dreamy state, we soak in each other's presence and touch, and it diminishes the sadness of being separated for 10-11 hours during the day. Of course there are nights when I just wish I could sleep unencumbered all alone in a nice big soft bed. Overall, though, it's so worth it.

Three Thoughts Thursday #7

#1—I recently celebrated a semi-milestone birthday, which has forced me to contemplate my aging process. I have to say, if there's one thing my mom has done well, it's to age gracefully. At the age of 65, she still has only a few stray gray hairs here and there, and her face lacks but a few wrinkles. In the past year, I have come to grips with the fact that my hair is in fact starting to gray. This wouldn't be so bad if my hair were a lighter color, but when you've got black hair, it's really hard to miss. Just this morning, when I looked in the mirror, I was horrified to find that a few strands had gone white totally overnight. Like, how is that even possible?

Different people have different ways of dealing with their deviant strands. Me? I pluck those suckers right out of my scalp as fast as I can. Luckily, I haven't found too many so far. And yet, I know I'll have to make a decision as to what I'm gonna do about the gray once these ghost strands become too numerous for me to keep up with. The thing is, I don't want to dye my hair. My dad stopped dying his later in life, and he had a lovely head of silvery moonbeam hair. I actually wouldn't mind having that. I just hope it's not at the age of 35. Anyhoo, I don't know what to do in the interim. If I dyed my hair, I'd want to dye it a totally different color, like cobalt blue or magenta. Something tells me that wouldn't go over so well at my place of gainful employment...

#2—It seems to me that a lot of newish parents these days fret over the size of their babies and toddlers, especially if they're on the smallish side. It doesn't help that the growth charts published in every parenting book and exhibited by pediatricians across the country don't take into account factors such as whether the children were formula-fed or breastfed or the genetic makeup inherited from the parents. Cadence has been falling off the charts weight-wise for some time now, and if it weren't for those pesky charts, I probably wouldn't stress out so much over her eating habits. The fact is, she's happy, playful, strong and active. If you look at her, the word "malnourished" would never enter your mind. Still, I wish she'd eat actual meals more than a couple times a week.

Speaking of small, I finally got to meet my friends Zarah and Felix's newborn son Asher yesterday. He is tiny at just over 5lbs (after losing some of his birthweight like all newborns) but is just about the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. Granted, I only saw him while he was slumbering, but I'm sure he's just as beautiful awake. I absolutely love the way newborns look and smell and feel in your arms. Even my cousin's Baby Eden, who's now a whopping 4 months old, feels so small and light compared to Cadence, who herself is still light enough to carry with one arm.

*Sigh*. Here's a photo of Cadence from the archives, when she was really little. Can you tell I have just an eensy-teensie bit of baby fever? I'll get over it soon enough, though, before it's too late. Although this would be the perfect time for me to get pregnant…My work usually slows down for mid-spring/early summer, which would be just around 40 weeks from now. Hmmm…

Alright, moving right along...

#3—I know that my affinity for used/vintage clothing is obvious in the way I dress Cadence. Well, what's even better than used/vintage is used/vintage hand-me-downs from people I love. That's exactly what Cadence is wearing in this photo. The shirt and shorts were her Auntie Lauren's way back in the 80's. Ted's mom made the shorts, and she spruced up the shirt with the lace/ribbon trim.

I wish my mom had kept some of my clothes from girlhood. There was this one Snoopy shirt which I can guarantee never existed in the U.S. And then there was that white dress with the floral apron that I absolutely adored. I guess we could only take so much on the plane when we moved here from Korea, but still...It apparently never occurred to my mom to save any of my stuff, even my hanboks. She expressed surprise that Ted's mom had kept Lauren's clothese all these years. This is coming from someone who saved every one of my report cards from grammar school. Oh well.

Three Thoughts Thursday #3

#1—I've been missing the Rock 'n' Roll lifestyle lately. Maybe it's the whole turning 35 thing. Maybe I'm just stupid. Whatever the reason, I've determined to start going to more shows. Granted, if I get to see 3 shows in a year, that would qualify as MORE, but I was thinking more along the lines of at least twice a month. Holy shit. That sounds like a lot.

Anyhoo, I've got this lovely new camera that I'm dying to use on Chicago's best-lit venues, so who better to call upon than my dear friends Derek Becker of Satellite Booking and the Detholz! It just so happens that the 'Holz are headlining the I-Go Audio Emissions CD Release Party at the Metro tonight. I asked Derek if I could get a media pass so I could shoot photos, and he was nice enough to put me on the guestlist AND get me a media pass! The Metro happens to have my favorite lights in the city, so I'm really excited about the show tonight. And my friend Miss Mia of Chic-a-go-go is hosting the show, so I hope she tells all the tall folks to get the hell out of my way! Stay tuned for the photos…

#2—Speaking of the Detholz! show, I am hopefully going to get to meet someone at the show whose blog (erg, actually her Myspace page) I've been lurking on for a few months, and who it turns out has also been lurking on my blog! HA HA! That gets me a-thinkin' about the power of the Internet to establish relationships between folks who would otherwise be too shy to express their mutual admiration for one another in person. It also shows how the Internet brings out the inner stalker in all of us. I totally admit to that one.

#3—Cadence is growing up so fast. No, really. It's become more noticeable in just the past week or so. She's actually occasionally rational now. I can say to her, "We can't eat cookies for breakfast, but you can have an apple or an apricot," and she'll actually choose one of the latter two without argument 5% of the time. Or when I come home and she demands a nursing session right away, I can now say to her, "We'll do ma-ma-ma (her word for nursing) after I pee and change into something more comfortable (e.g., sans bra), and she'll actually say, "Okay."

Then again, she did have that screaming session yesterday evening about something I can't even remember, and I had to plug my ears or totally seriously risk hearing loss. It was flippin' loud, folks. I don't see how she's not deaf herself.

But still, overall I'm noticing that when I can't give her what she wants, as long as I get down on her level and give her some sort of explanation in a gentle, empathic voice, she'll resort to screaming in retaliation much less than she used to.

She's also beginning to understand aspects of the bigger world outside our little family. It kind of shocked me the other day when we were talking about church, and she tilts her head, nodding it up and down, and says, "Blbublaubl God? Blbublaubl Eesus?" Wow. So she knows that going to church has something to do with God and Jesus. Up to this point, she always associated church with Rudden (her best friend and baby love) and her other friends. And Matt the pianist whom we pick up every Sunday.

And then when we were at my cousin's house on Tuesday night, Baby Eden was propped up on her boppy while we were eating, and she started crying. Cadence was next to her, and looking really concerned, she says to me, "Blbublaubl wanna ah-zhoo!" No, she wasn't sneezing. Ah'-zhoo is her word for "be held." She knew that the baby wanted to be held and was alerting us to that fact.

So yeah, she's becoming spiritual AND compassionate. Totally growing up so fast.

In Case I Fooled Any Of You...

I would like to officially dispell any myths that may have mysteriously formed in the universe regarding my skills and qualifications for parenthood. I have read a number of good and not-so-good books on parenting since being drafted into this adventure. I continue to refer many of my friends and acquaintances and random strangers to some of these resources, because really, when you think about it, I should've been a research librarian. Nothing gives me greater joy than a thorough google search. However, keen aptitude on google does not a competent parent make.

Lately, Cadence has pushed me to the unchartered hinterlands of my sanity with her Endless!Boundless!Explosions! of Energy! This girl can go!Go!GO! like you wouldn't believe. I think she thoroughly wore out my La Leche League leader's 12 year old daughter at the family picnic last night. Laurel (the 12 year old) told me with total pre-teen seriousness that Cadence could outrun her if she wants to.

To add to the exhaustion, this week she has begun engaging in reckless behavior, such as hanging from the monkey bars 7' off the ground while I'm nowhere near her. Now we have to stick to her like white (or brown, depending on what you prefer) on rice to prevent her from breaking her little neck.

And then there are those times when she insists on taking a 2 hour walk at 7 in the morning. She'll lollygag with the earthworm, thoroughly fascinated by its creeping and crawling.

And of course, she'll have to look for every puddle in every alley and street and pothole on our route for the sheer pleasure of getting her boots wet. And she'll have to jump in each one twice or three times and sometimes four.

Why is it that when she's running around like the Tasmanian Devil, I wish I could contain that energy of hers and make her sit still, but when she lazily meanders through the neighborhood, stopping to smell the figurative roses that I wish she'd pick up the pace? Why can't I just be content to be in the moment with my totally amazing and delightful and awe-filled and joy-filled kid?

*Sigh*...So much to learn...

Cadence *Hearts* Flannel Part Deaux

I was a bit rushed in yesterday's post, and I'd like to explain myself a little better. Ted and I had an eye-opening experience at a party a little over a month ago. It was a birthday party for Aunt Becki, Dave's fiancé. Most of the guests at the party were her classmates from grad school, so Cadence was the only kid. Everyone was super nice to her and kept saying over and over again just "how cute!" she was or "how beautiful!" or "how adorable!" It's not so much that we don't agree with those statements, but hearing it over and over again at that party made us wonder whether Cadence was internalizing this and if so, what effect that would have on her self-image and where she derives her sense of self-worth in the long run.

Ted shared with me his own experience of growing up and hearing over and over from his (mainly female) relatives that he was so handsome or so cute, and how that made him feel self-conscious and damaged his self-esteem. You would think that kids would like hearing that they're good-looking, but I think when that's ALL a kid hears, they may start questioning whether that's all they're good for, and I believe that Ted may have experienced that to a certain degree. Also, I think that the research on the negative effects of praise and rewards would back me up on this.

I don't think that it's wrong to dress up your kid in cute outfits or to enjoy hearing people compliment them on their looks. What I don't want to do, however, is to just sit on the sidelines and let Cadence be enticed by a society that places so much emphasis on external beauty with standards so brutal that the average jane can only get depressed after 5 minutes of thumbing through one issue of Seventeen. I don't want Cadence to grow up needing external praise from other people to feel good about herself. I don't want Cadence to be conditioned to value other people based on THEIR external appearances alone. Instead, my hope is that she will see the beauty in herself and in others in characteristics such as compassion, kindness, generosity, justice, courage, honesty, simplicity and humor, and that she will be motivated by an internal sense of what is right and good and just, and not be a slave to external praise or criticism.

Cadence *Hearts* Flannel

I know that as the parent of a girl, one big temptation is to dress your daughter up as if she's your personal doll 24/7. Just walk into any Baby Gap or Old Navy, and you'll see that the options for girls are so much more enticing than for boys. I've recently become acutely aware of many people paying attention only to Cadence's outward appearance. I guess it's only natural, since most folks think that parents always want to hear how cute their kid is. And of course I enjoy hearing these kinds of compliments; I wouldn't be plastering the internet with her photos if I didn't. At the same time, though, I also don't want Cadence to grow up thinking that the most important thing in life is for her to look "cute" or "pretty" or that her main value as a girl or woman is to look good for other people.

Fact is, Cadence is about as active and playful and rambunctious as any boy her age I've seen. I was raised in a family that believed that girls should be quiet and gentle and that they don't grow up to be certain things, like, say, a photographer for National Geographic. I don't want to place those kinds of limits on Cadence.

I admit that sometimes it's really hard to let Cadence pick her own outfit, when I'd really like to take her out and about in that adorable dress, but she's rather run and jump and climb in a flannel shirt and jeans.

And even when she DOES wear something a bit more on the girly side, I hope she'll always be comfortable enough in her own skin to just be her goofy, lovely self.

Real Moms Meme

I've been tagged by the lovely and every-so-talented Tracey Clark for the awesome Real Moms Meme started by Kristen.

It took me a while to think of something to fill in the "Real Moms _________." Mainly, because so many people have already taken my potential answers. So after a few hours of pondering and a couple of google searches cuz I hates being redundant, here's what I'm going with:

Real Moms Need Each Other.

And by each other, I mean other Real Moms.

There are so many experiences that are universal to motherhood, especially First Time Motherhood. You can read about pregnancy and birth and newborn care and parenting until you're blue in the face (or zonked out from boredom), but until you actually talk to another mom who's Been There Done That and Lived to Tell About It, there's a part of you that won't believe any of it. The phrase shouldn't be It Takes A Village To Raise A Child. It should be It Takes A Village of Real Moms To Keep A Mom From Crossing Over The Brink Of Insanity--So That She Can Raise A Child.

Sadly, we in Western culture don't live in villages anymore. Those of us in big cities don't even have the advantage of the town gossip who at least lets everyone else know what your troubles are. If it weren't for the internet, many of us wouldn't have even ONE other mom to relate to.

But the need to connect is still there. Real Moms Need Each Other. So many of us parent with guilt and insecurities and feel like failures. We need to hear that it's normal to not like your kid occasionally. We need to hear that it's okay if your kid won't eat anything but cheerios today (and tomorrow and the day after that). We need to hear that it's okay to have that cocktail/beer/vodka. We need to hear that we're not failures because we couldn't give birth naturally/breastfeed/cloth diaper/get our babies to sleep through the night/wean/potty train/learn their ABCs. We need to hear that we are not alone, and we need to hear it from other Real Moms.

I'm tagging all y'all mamas, many of you who've been there for me, keeping me real.

Lesson #3--Take Care Of Yourself

(For those of you just joining us now, I'm doing a series of blog posts on Lessons Learned from my very unplanned pregnancy, birth, and 1st 2.5 years of parenting Cadence. It's information for those seeking it, but mainly, it's a way for me to give myself a pep talk for the *next* one, if and when we think we may possibly be ready for a *next* one. My fertility has always been somewhat suspect, and I'm not getting any younger, so I may be just getting all worked up for nothing.)

Lesson #3--Take Care Of Yourself. This seems pretty obvious, huh? It's easier said than done, however, in our fast-paced plugged-in world.

Some women's bodies are hardcoded to have easy births. I know a mom who delievered her firstborn almost before her husband was done filling out the hospital paperwork. She thought it was so easy that she was ready to have another baby the very next day. If all women were like her, I'm sure we'd have to be building condos in Antarctica by now due to the overpopulation. Alas, for most women, having a baby can be as physically and mentally challenging as running a marathon. If you don't prepare your body and your mind for the event, you may find yourself regretting it at the finish line.

The first part of taking care of yourself is to eat healthy. When I was pregnant with Cadence, we had the misfortune of living only a block away from Sweet Occasions, our favorite ice cream place in the city. 2 ½ years later, the extra pounds of flesh on various parts of my body still remind me of every scoop of ice cream I indulged in during those months. Don't get me wrong. I don't believe in dieting during a pregnancy. I've heard of women who were so scared of gaining weight that they gave birth to 4lb babies. However, your visits to Sweet Occasions should be just that—sweet and occasional, not the almost daily visit it became for me. It's no wonder Cadence is willing to take two buses when I mention that ice cream will be the destination.

I think some of the guidelines on what pregnant women should eat and not eat get totally wacko and impossible to follow. I wouldn't overdo it unless you LIKE following really restrictive and regimented rules for yourself. I think the main thing I would do differently (besides eating less ice cream) would be to keep in mind that being pregnant is not an excuse for pigging out on whatever fatty greasy food I'm in the mood for. Just this mindset alone would have significantly increased the health factor of my diet during pregnancy and decreased the number of miles I'm gonna have to run now to forget those scoops of Zanzibar Chocolate.

One reason eating a healthy diet is important is that it will help you to also do the second part of taking care of yourself, which is to EXERCISE. What? Exercise? But aren't prego women supposed to take it easy? That's what past generations thought, and some women who have high-risk pregnancies do have to take it easy . But for the vast majority of women, exercise is a good thing during pregnancy. You can't sit on your gradually widening ass for 9 months and then expect to perform the equivalent of running a marathon during labor and delivery. This may be the one instance when your ability to perform under pressure will not be enough. (Like I said, I’m not a healthcare professional, so talk to yours before starting an exercise regiment.)

Unfortunately, if your body is not used to exercising BEFORE you get pregnant, it can be hard to make a habit of it AFTER you're pregnant, when your hormones and body changes are making you narcoleptic on most days. Some doctors won't even let you exercise beyond the brisk walk if you didn't exercise BEFORE you got pregnant. That's why I totally plan on getting as fit as possible before I'll even entertain trying to conceive again (which is why I may never have another child).

Women who exercise consistently during their pregnancy often have an easier time with labor and delivery. The exercise I've heard women swear by time and time again, esp women who chose natural childbirth, is prenatal yoga.

I am one of the 7 women in America who missed out on the yoga/pilates phenomenon. Part of it was my fundamentalist Christian upbringing that predisposed me to be suspicious of anything that smacked of Eastern religions. Which is stupid when you consider I'm Asian. Anyhoo, I thought practicing yoga would be an open invitation to all the false religion demons to inhabit my vulnerable spirit, so I shouldn't take the risk.

I've come to my senses since then, but I still haven't caught up with the yoga craze. I do plan on rectifying that, esp. if I ever want to get pregnant again. One of the things on my To Do Before Considering Pregnancy Again list is mastering a yoga regiment. Maybe mastering is too strong a word…I suppose surviving on a regular basis (e.g. 3x a week)would be a more realistic goal, if I ever want to cross that one off my list.

So what is it about prenantal yoga that is so helpful to women in labor? Due to my lack of personal experience, I'll have to go by what I've heard and read. Here are some articles that you may find helpful:

Prepare for Birth with Prenatal Yoga
Prenatal Yoga: More than Relaxation
Great Pregnancy Exercise: Yoga
Benefits of Yoga Before, During and After Pregnancy

Here is a list some of the benefits of prenatal yoga from one of the articles:

~Increase energy
~Decrease anxiety
~Strengthen birthing muscles
~Quicken postpartum recovery
~Improve sleep
~Reduce backache
~Improve circulation
~Increase chance of a healthy birth

The third part of taking care of yourself is learning how to relax. That may sound simple enough, but if you've never made a habit of taking time to just breathe deeply and let go of all your stress, you may find yourself twiddling your thumbs and blinking a lot while wondering when you're gonna start feeling relaxed.

You may have to try different things to find what actually relaxes you. It might not be the stereotypical bubble bath or walk on the beach. The aforementioned yoga may help. The breathing exercises alone should put you in a calm, meditative state.

If you've never tried needlecraft before, it's never too late to learn. I hear knitting and crocheting can be very therapeutic, and I know first hand (ha! hand. get it?) that simple stitching can also be very relaxing and is something that even someone who's all thumbs can do very easily. You can even make stuff for your expected bundle of joy!

For those of you who can afford it, an occasional prenatal massage session can be totally what the doctor/midwife/homeopath ordered. Of course, having a partner with strong hands who's willing to give you a backrub at the end of a long, stressful day couldn't hurt either.

Whatever it is that helps you to relax, whether it's the stuff I mentioned, or just daydreaming for 15 minutes, reading a book, listening to music, etc., it's a good habit to cultivate. I'm definitely still working on this one.

Actually, I think that this whole "Take Care of Yourself" mantra is the most difficult one for me. It goes back to my fundie cult upbringing in which I was taught that taking care of yourself was plain selfish, when you should be out looking for and feeding Jesus' lost sheep. Nevermind that the cult leader always had a bevy of women around him, cooking for him, running his errands, giving him backrubs and doing GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE. Anyhoo, so yeah, it's hard for me to give myself permission to take care of ME. That's one of the reasons I'm writing all this out so publicly. I figure if I blog about it and tell other folks they should do it, I'll be more inclined to follow my own advice.

Lesson #2--Know Thyself

(For those of you just joining us now, I'm doing a series of blog posts on Lessons Learned from my very unplanned pregnancy, birth, and 1st 2.5 years of parenting Cadence. It's information for those seeking it, but mainly, it's a way for me to give myself a pep talk for the *next* one, if and when we think we may possibly be ready for a *next* one. My fertility has always been somewhat suspect, and I'm not getting any younger, so I may be just getting all worked up for nothing.)

OK, here's a short one. It's actually an addendum to Lesson #1, which was Learning About Stuff Ahead of Time Is Probably A Good Idea.

Lesson #2--Know Thyself. I'm not saying you need to get psychoanalyzed or anything like that, but a little bit of introspection and discussion with your partner where you think you might fall on the various spectrums of birth and parenting will help you to filter the multiteragigs of data that you will feel like you are being bombarded with once you've taken the plunge to try to conceive or once you've conceived.

While I think it's still very helpful to get info on a bunch of scenarios and choices, if you have no idea what feels right to you and your birth partner, it can be pretty overwhelming and you may find yourself being swayed like Chicago tree branches in March. I think this is really important, or else you will FREAK OUT about EVERYTHING. Folks who are easily freaked out in general or who have a lot of fears regarding pregnancy and childbirth and the whole shabang may benefit from talking to people who have had POSITIVE experiences and maybe limit their reading if everything they read just scares them even more.

And don't let anyone guilt-trip you or scare you out of decisions that you and your partner have made based on your own research and evaluation of what is right for you. You can be flexible and open to new information if it's helpful and is accurate and makes sense, otherwise, just smile, nod, whatever, and relax.

For those who ARE scared of the pregnancy/birth/parenting thing, I was the same way. Believe me, if I hadn't been stupid about my birth control, I would have NEVER chosen to get pregnant. A lot of it was misinformation. The media really know how to scare folks about this stuff, cuz fear sells better than faith. It's sad that women have been made afraid of their own bodies and what they're capable of.